Okay, I'm not trying to be rude here, but I'm going to definitely try to be direct. There are all KINDS of things that are wrong here. First, what does grounding and cutting his hair have to do with his grades or lack of doing homework? In my opinion, punishments have to correlate with the behavior. Let's say a child doesn't keep his room picked up...well, he loses all things that are left on the floor, it's a direct consequence to what the behavior caused. Not doing homework....he'll have to repeat 9th grade, or better yet, have to spend his entire summer attending summer school. What better consequence than that? If you want to be actively involved in making sure he's doing his work at home, then you need to make it a rule that every night (at my house it's 6:30) homework is to be done at a certain time. At that time, all tv's are turned off, and the kids are to work on their work until it's finished. Once it's done, they bring it to me and we go through it together to make sure they didn't miss anything.
With the pills..."Unless he's gotten really good at hiding it"??? Is he not getting counseling over this? Because even with a child who a parent knows for SURE isn't using anymore because of particular behavior going back to being happy and content again, they STILL MUST keep up on counseling!! Just because a child says he won't use pills anymore, doesn't mean that in his mind, he's overcome those urges. A child who has a problem, no matter how small, with drugs of any kind MUST see a professional to find out why they were using and to learn new ways to deal with that particular escape mechanism. If you're not willing to put him into counseling, then you're just asking for his problems to only get worse.
With the divorce....I come from a divorced family and my mom and dad hated/still hate each other too. And you know what? I STILL wish they would just grow up. Even now, at 32, all of the important moments of my own life and the lives of my kids are RUINED because of tension brought on by their bad relationship and selfishness to deal with it. When I was younger, I had to hear badmouthing of them too, and MAN, I smoked a lot of weed and drank a lot when it was time to go home so that I didn't really care what whoever had to say about whoever. When I got married, my dad didn't want to come into any room my mom was in, when my first child was born I had to worry about the other parent showing up if the one parent was there. At my kids activities, I have to try and make sure both aren't invited at the same time, and if they are, I have to divide my time between the two so that one doesn't get mad or feel left out. See what it does to the child for THE REST OF THEIR LIFE??? I can't even enjoy my own kids' birth completely because I have to worry about the selfish ways of my parents. Do you and your husband honestly feel that your own insecurities you have from each other and your own needs that you want filled are more important than what's best for your son? Because my mom and dad did, and still do, and I'll tell you what, they are LUCKY that I turned out to be forgiving of their deliquencies and that I didn't end up completely messed up. My brother on the other hand, ended up getting into hard core drugs, attempting suicide, and getting random girls pregnant. This could be your son if you don't get it together. I'm sorry to say this but I can completely understand about your son not caring about his grades. I'm surprised that's ALL he doesn't care about at this point! In his mind, all YOU guys care about is who's the bad guy and who gets possession of him on what days. So, if you guys don't care enough about him to drop the act between you and turn the focus 100% on him, than what makes you think he's going to care about his OWN needs? You are showing and teaching him that you and your husbands needs and wants are more important to both of you that what your son needs. So, you're teaching him that HE is not important and what HIS life is isn't important, so why WOULD he try to do his best, when in his mind, it all doesn't matter anyway?
I know it sounds harsh, and I don't mean to hurt you, I just think that sometimes parents need a wake up call because they get so wrapped up in themselves that they forget that they're raising an adult who sees everything they do and is directly affected 100% by everything they do. My mom and dad really messed me up.....don't continue to do that to your kid. Atleast give him a chance to feel important and appreciated! Don't have him be 32 like me and STILL having to play referee with his parents....