47 answers

14 Almost 15 Year Old Daughter. ( Dating )

I have a 14 year old daughter, who is a great kid. She gets good grades in school and is very much into her grades.

My daughter has a great group of friends. Most of them she has known since 1 st grade.

The other day she came home from school kind of asking me to go to the movies with a boy. She went to elementry school with this boy. The boy is the same age as her. He goes to High School and she is in Middle School.Because I held her back a year. I know the boys mother but I have not met the boy.

I just don't know what to do. This is my baby.

When do I let go A LITTLE.

Please help.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Just want to thank everyone for there advice. Thank GOD there is a place like this so parents can help other parents. Like I told my daughter "i'm still waiting for the book i was suppose to get PARENTING 101 from the hospital " HA HA. If only they did that !!!

Well I talked to my daughter and told her there will not be "DATING" until she's 16. before then she can go to the movies with a group. And if there' a boy involed I need to meet him. LIke Movie Nite.

I also told her when she's 16 she can date ONLY IF we meet the boy. Not a 5 Min. hello. But come in and sit down.
I also left the conversation open to questions. And told her please be open with me. I am always on her side and I LOVE HER TONS !!! I also let her know that when or if she ever gets into a sticky situation CALL ME !!! I told her I will pick her up. ASAP. If she has to blame it on me for the early pick up thats fine. I will make up something.

THANK YOU EVERYONE
A.

Featured Answers

Well, date age is such a personal opinion, however, I would explain to her you always have to meet her friends before she can go on a date. That sets the pace for later when she or he is able to drive. Hopefully, that will be an understood standing rule.

1 mom found this helpful

Offer to drive them to the movie (somebody has to if they are only 14, right?), and sit in the back. (Not near them.) When my son was younger most of his friends found this OK, as long as I didn't talk to them or act like I knew them. B.

1 mom found this helpful

A. C.

My daughter asked me once when she would be allowed to go out with the kids she hung around with. I told her as long as there was a group with an adult present or as a chaperone that would be the only way she should go out with any boys who still think respect was a one sided affair.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

Hi A.,

Thank you for making me smile. You see just yesterday my 13 year old came home from school and asked to go on her first group date and I thought "here we go". And then today I read your request, I guess it is what moms go through. So I will not give you any advice, but if you don't mind, I will tell you what my 10 years as a middle school teacher and school counsellor taught me:

I know that if a boy and girl want to spend time together, they will, parents permission or not, whether they go to the same school together or not, whether they live in the same city or not.

I know that the more parents try to keep their children young, the more their friends may pressure them to grow up.

I know that when a child asks her/his parents for permission to "date" it is not only about going out with the girl/boy, they are also asking, "do you trust me?", "am I worthy of someone else liking me?", "what do I do?", "whould I go?", "am I ready for this?" etc. If they didn't care about you being involved, they would have made up some story and not even told you what they were doing.

I know that you are very blessed to have an open relationship with your child.

I know that your child wants you to know what is going on with her.

I know that you are in a position to open the communication for ALL her dating experiences.

I will not give you advice as I do not know your family, your values, nor do I understand your relationship with your daughter. But I will tell you, love her, let her know you love her and then love her even more.

B.
Family Coach

9 moms found this helpful

I say go with the two who say give permission for a group date. I had my first boyfriend at 15 and he really liked to push the envelope (if you know what I mean) when we were alone. The whole thing started with a movie, and then hanging out at each others houses while mom's were home, and our moms' were friends too. By the end of the summer I can just say that I'm glad I was strong enough to say no as many times as I had to - not all girls will be able to do that, and not all boys will take no for an answer! By the time I was 17 I was involved with a man, not a boy, and I knew it was ok because my mom let me - and she told me she understood what it was like to be in love, and she didn't want to forbid me to see him because then I'd be sneaking out to see him anyway.... the whole schpiel. He turned out to be a very stand up guy who married me and now we have a wonderful life together and the age difference doesn't matter now in our 30s.... BUT I wish that my mom would have said NO, you can't see him anymore. NO you're too young to be that involved. NO you can't go out to the movies alone with boys at 15 yrs old. She would have saved me a lot of emotional stress in my teenage years if she would have had more age appropriate rules and expectations. The thing about dating is that it's not about good grades or how nice a kid is, it's that once you start getting physical, it's easy to get more and more physical, but teenagers just don't have the life experience to realize the emotional attachment and stress that comes along with that. I happen to agree that dating is for finding a spouse, and teenagers are just not in that point in their lives yet - mind you I wasn't raised to think this, I think this because of my experiences, and I will try my best to teach my children this. That doesn't mean they will be banned from talking to members of the other sex, or going out to do fun things with boys and girls - but it does mean that I will operate out of knowledge and giving them a safe and healthy adult life and not operating out of fear and trying to keep them happy in the moment as teenagers so often want to feel. Many times, I think (of course I'm not there yet so in ten years I may have to eat my words!haha) parents have to make decisions for their teenagers that are going to make the teen very angry and feel like their parents don't love them, but once they are grown with their own children is when they will see their parents' wisdom and really appreciate the boundaries they had set in their lives. Good luck on this - I am definitely not looking foward to the teen years, if I could keep them babies forever I would!!

5 moms found this helpful

Go with your gut instincts...sans the bittersweet emotions of your dear baby girl growing up (some teens don't like to hear that), but I know its hard!

At least she grew up with the boy...and you know his mother. What is your opinion of her?

Each Mom handles this differently.
But all I have to share is this: when I was about that age, I never told my Parents about any "date" I had. Me and my friends always had gone out as a 'group' of boys & girls anyway, whether platonic or not. So, I would tell my parents I was going to the movies with my 'girlfriends' and then they would drive me there and drop me off. Then me, my girlfriends and the "guy" would then pair up, on our 'date.' It was all innocent... but I guess I never felt real comfortable telling my parents. But, I think my Dad knew, as the certain boy in question would call the house. And, my Dad always made our home an 'open house' for all my friends to just hang out at, for boys and girls. They and all my friends parents all knew each other anyway. But well, so that is what I did.

So, it is GREAT that your daughter even told you about this. Good for her. Just KEEP the lines of communication open for anything she wants to talk about... without pressure or judgment. My Dad was real cool and open about things... but I was just too 'shy' to tell him I actually had a 'date' per say. It was my own awkwardness...but not trying to hide it from him.

Anyway, girls and boys, if they want to go out together, WILL find a way to do it, with or without their Parents permission. SO, therefore, just keep open with her, have your 'rules' and curfews and what not, whether she is allowed in another boys car or not, and etc. But let her know you are always there for her... for any serious or silly question or concern. No matter what, you don't want her to start 'hiding' things from you. Dads also have an important role in this 'phase' too... to nurture their girl in the proper ways of boys.

All the best,
Susan

4 moms found this helpful

Invite his family over for dinner. Then if you think he is OK, tell her she can go as long as several others join them, you drop her off, pick her up, etc. So long as she doesn't violate your trust, going out in a big group is good for her.
Though my daughter and son are 9 and 6, we have already discussed how dating is for when you are ready to start looking for a husband or wife. Not something many teenagers are looking to find just yet.
Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

I have two girls 13 and 14. This is what I do. My girls know the routine by now. Mom and dad have to both agree on what and where they are going and doing. They know I’m going to want to talk to their friend’s
(boy or girl) parent(s). I don’t want to tell them “no” right off the bat, so I throw out other ideas such as, invite him to your home to watch movies where you can supervise them, or even a group of friends to watch movies and eat pizza. Or, if you go out to dinner as a family, take him along. Talk to him and ask him questions about school, what he likes to do, what does his family like to do together, etc. I also make it a point to know the parents of the boy so that as parents you are all on the same page. You also get an idea of what kind of parents he has. If your daughter objects to this then it really needs to be spelled out to her that you are not comfortable with the movie thing, yet, and explain to her she is not 16. Kids can be sneaky and we need to be one on top of them without saying that we do not trust our children and they have a responsibility to maintain that trust with us. It’s a balance between not being over protective and giving them a little freedom. We as parents have a right to be all up in our kids business and it can be done in a discrete way. It’s not that we do not want them to do things with friends but let’s face it; they are still naive at that age. Keep to your rules on what you expect from her. My daughters do not ask permission to go or do anything without coming to me with the right information. Such as, with whom, what, where, when, and a parents phone number. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

We have 4 kids, 2 grown and 2 at home. Our kids are always welcome to bring their friends, male or female, over to our house or on family outings. They can go with their friends' families, or meet up at school functions, but no dating until 16. Then, they should start out going on group dates and avoid "going steady" or getting serious. So far, none of them have had a fit about the rules (because they know it wouldn't do any good) and we've never had any dating issues.

Good luck, Mom! Stand strong, even in the face of tantrums. :) Having a teen is a lot like having a toddler, but the stakes are higher.

3 moms found this helpful

Don't buckle under preasure. Your instincts are right on this one. Alone dates should be out of the question until she is older. Yet if you forbid dating of any kind, she will hide if from you if its what she really wants to do. I saw all my girlfriends whose parents had strict dating ages (16 was common) lie on this issue. And yes, they were "good" kids. Then I saw one family's solution to this dellima and I thought it was brilliant. They didn't put age limmits on dating, but all dating had to be as part of family functions- no alone dates until a certain age (16,17, 18). And no alone time in the house. You can say it was old fashioned, but the kids accepted it really well and all new comers were forced to get to know the whole family (which made them more respectful of eachother). Aim for old fashioned. All mama's with teenagers should read a book called: Epidemic: how teenage sex is killing our Kids.

http://www.amazon.com/Epidemic-How-Teen-Killing-Kids/dp/0...

It will really open your eyes to the temptaions for sex out there that even us 30 somethings didn't have to deal with. And mama's who have been wishy washy on what they plan to teach their kids about sex and waiting may find they want to take a more old fashioned approach after reading this book for the sake of their kids physical and mental well being. Being a product of my generation, I was thinking of not teaching my kids to wait until marriage because I didn't wait and how can I expect them to. OMG, this book has kicked my butt into seeing that I will really do my daughter a disservice if I don't encourage her to wait for as long as she can possibly hold out. And that its my job to keep her safe.

I know you are just talking a movie date here on not sex, but the lines will begin to blur before you know it. This book will give any parent the backbone they are looking for.

3 moms found this helpful

Hello,

In my household and growing up, I was not allowed to "date" until I was 16 years old.
Especially if he was a high school kid... you have every right to be scared. I would let her go out with another friend and her date. Double up... I would not allow one-on-one dating . You are stretching boundries... that you and your daughter might not be ready for.

Did you know that many kids are having sex at 14 now? Yikes...

Try to be supportive and fun, offer rides and encourage groups!!!

3 moms found this helpful

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