13 Year Old Went to Bed One Day and Woke up as a Different Kid

Hey M.,

I think in this situation all you can do is this. You can pray for her. You can leave her in God s hands. Through all of this you most continue to show your daughter love. Love is what conquers the storms of life. No matter how bad things may seem you must continue to show her love. She may not think of it now or show attention to your love but she will when she gets older. Just tell her that you love her and anytime she wants to talk about anything that you will be there for her. Tell her that you love her and that you care deeply for her. My pastor says when some one rebells against you the best thing to do is pray for her and show her the love of God. Let me say a pray for you.

Jesus we come to you in prayer Lord we pray in the name of Jesus for M. s olds daughter. We pray that you would send your love upon her heart. We pray that you would comfort her and help her through what ever she is facing. We pray that you would protect her daughters and keep them safe. We pray Lord that you would speak to her daughters heart about being honest and truthful to her mother. We pray Lord that you would place a strong desire in her heart to share her feelings with her mother. We pray in the name of Jesus for her husband. We release healing anointing power into his body. We say that by Jesus stripes he is healed. We speak to his body in the name of Jesus to line up with the word of God. We plead the blood of Jesus over there house and her husband. We bind you satan in the name of Jesus. We say to you devil And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone where the beast and the false prophet are and shall be tormented day and night forever and ever. We pray strongly and release healing anointing power into their marriage. We call their marriage restored in Jesus name. Devil if you are listening you are going to restore what you stole from their marriage and their family. They have the victory in Jesus because of what he did for them. How he died on a cross and paided the penalty for their freedom. Jesus we talk you and praise you for all that you have done and are going to do. IN Jesus name we pray amen.

I would say that her behavior is because of the situation..and I am only 23 so take this for what it is..
I went through some tough stuff when I was around her age, and lied and was late and all that jazz. But my mom laid down the law (I was grounded for 2 straight months) and I had no phone, computer, company, or tv. I too was an honor roll student but was not allowed to participate in school activities until I: was more respectful, did not lie, and did my chores. She made a list of all the things I was supposed to have done every day and if they were completed without her telling me, I was allowed to do what I wanted (provided she had a phone number to reach me (before cells lol)and I called if we were leaving to go somewhere else.
I would definatly tell her that being honest and responsible will get her what she wants (ie. going to her bf's house) and that you understand there are a lot of confusing things happening right now and just be honest with her, tell her its not easy for you either..
Friends were a lifeline for me, I wanted hardly anything to do with my mom and earned phone time and an hour out at a time (to start) by doing chores and if I was 1 min late, my hour outing for the next day was taken away..
Now I have a wonderful relationship with my mom..and I agree wtih the other posting, pray for her and let her know you are there for her, and set boundries-she will rebel-but she'll be stronger when its over

She my be acting out on you because she thinks it is your fault(not that it is) that her dad is gone. I too come from a family where my dad had a serious drinking problem with it ending in divorce when I was in 5th grade. Has she started her period yet? If not she could be about to and her hormones are out of wack. Regardless there needs to be consequences for her lying and disrespect to you(rolling the eyes, talking back, etc.). Ground her, take away cell phone or phone privileges or whatever will work for her. She needs to know that you are the boss and this behavior is NOT acceptable. Put your foot down now or it will be much harder to do once she gets older! We have all been 13 years old before and it is a difficult age and it usually doesn't stop until 16 or 17. Lay down the law now, even though she will be mad at you, she will get over it and respect you more. Good luck!

When I read your post, one thing that I thought of immediately was that she may have too much freedom. If you allow her to have the freedoms of a 16 year old, she's going to start to act like a 16 year old, with the maturity of a 13 year old. Does that make sense? I mean, at the age of 13, there is no reason for her to have the freedome to go over to her boyfriend's house unless you are dropping her off, and leaving her there when the kids' parents are home. Also, at that age, I only ever was allowed to talk on the phone to my boyfriend. I began going over for 2 hours for dinner when I was 14, and that's all it was, 2 hours. I understand that everyone's thoughts and opinions on what's age appropriate are different, but if she is acting up, it's definitely time to reevaluate. You are in charge, and it's your house and your rules. If she's not doing her chores, add onto them for punishment. I strongly do NOT agree with grounding, don't think that staying at home where kids should feel loved and safe should be used as a punishment. But, there's nothing wrong with saying "Oh, I noticed you didn't do your chores, so along with your normal responsibilities, you are now going to scrub the bathroom floor with this sponge (make it a small one) and this bucket". She may be mad, but it's not about pleasing our children and being their friend, it's about teaching them about obedience and respecting authority. That way when they get out in the real world they are equipped with the values they need to succeed. If you catch her in a lie, there has to be an immediate consequence. I'm a strong advocate of physical punishment, as far as chores, tough ones, at that age. If they're having to do physical labor as a punishment, believe me, they will begin to weigh out those consequences when they're deciding what choices to make in situations they're put in. Some things to consider are scrubbing floors, mowing lawn, raking, shoveling, cleaning gutters, cleaning grout, anything you can think of that sucks and is time consuming. Also, another thing to make it even more of a punishment is to wake them up early on a Saturday to do them. My friend's parents used to wake him up at 5 on a Saturday if he was punished with physical labor. Then, he would be called in for lunch and would have a pitcher of water to drink. They used to make him chop wood. There are always ways to deal with kids, no matter what their ages are, you just have to put your foot down and have to figure out what works best.

Sounds like a typical teenager to me, but there could be underlying issues such as your separation from your husband. I would try to sit and talk with her as a friend and not a mom. If things don't seem to get any better try punishing her for lying and not doing her chores. Don't let her go to a friends house when she wants to go. You can also find out the friends phone # and or address and either call to see if she is there or take a drive over to check up. I did all this stuff to my parents back in my teen years and I drove them nuts, but eventually I grew out of it. If worst comes to worst seek professional help for her.

M.--
I have a feeling your daughter NEEDS you...even though teens say that they want to be left alone they DONT...she is wanting to know that you are not going to leave her (like Dad). Read the 5 love languages (i think they have one for kids and teens)--this book will tell you how your teen feels loved the most and makes your life a little easier!

Our teen girl is now 16, and we went through a similar rough time, especially it seemed that she was not able to tell the truth about even the simplest thing. It was very frustrating. We found consistency is the best policy. the truth and nothing but the truth became our motto. Yes, their friends are very important to them at this stage, but they are not more important than the family... are her friends going to provide for all her needs(no) Respect is a must, she must respect your rules, your feelings, etc, she wants you to "respects her wishes" it is a two way street, and until she can give it to you on a consistent basis, she cannot expect to get any back. We had to "ride" our daughter pretty hard for a long time, and there were times when it was causing problems for the whole family. At that point (we had already been through a year+ of counseling to try to help her) we just simply told her, either you live in this family , and within the framework that we have established, or we will make other arrangements for you. (you have to be willing to do this, it cannot be an empty threat). At that point, she decided what really was important to her (and it wasn't friends first, it's the way it should be, God, family, friends). Our life is not perfect everyday, but it a lot more pleasant than it used to be. You have to be firm, and consistent, and in it for the long haul. (We have a younger sibling with handicaps also, and we both work outside the home; so we are pretty much normal people)

I'm not a professional, but I really feel 12-14 years old is an absolutely critical age for girls. Your daughter is totally dealing with a lot of stuff in her life right now and I think it would be worth your time to talk to a professional family counsellor about your situation.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I can empathize and pray for you! I have a 10 year old with ADHD and a 9 year old with Autism. I have been a single parent now for 7 years. I recently found out that my mom has alzheimer's disease. The only thing that gets me through is my faith and the wonderful friends that God has placed in my life. I, too, have no dull moments!

Hang in there!

When anything drastic changes in a teens life, they go nuts... It's truly a fact of life. My kids are both still young, but I am the product of an alcoholic father and my mother stayed married to him for almost 23 yrs. My older sister went through what your daughter seems to be doing. I don't want to alarm you because she may not be doing what my sister did, but my sister started taking drugs around the age of 12 or 13... She too is an addict and alcoholic... Both she and my father are what is now termed "bi-polar", but we still call it Manic Drepression. In her manic phases she is overly pleasant, highly motivated and seems like she's "got it together" then when the pendulum swings the other direction she is defiant, abusive and completely illogical! We spent MANY years in AA and Alanon (which I highly recommend if your husband has a drinking problem)... Those sessions helped me deal with her (as I was nearly three years younger) and to this day, I rely on some of that advice dealing with her constant mood swings... My advice is to go to counseling, even if she tries to refuse... It will help you and how you handle your own emotions! There is SOMETHING going on with her and at this point in her life, she finds solice in friends who are illequipped to give productive advice (even if they are good kids themselves - kids are selfish and don't care about anything unless it affects them - I know, it sounds horrible, but it's true)! She needs a mediary, someone she can trust who isn't involved in your situation... I wish you the best of luck and I'll pray that you are able to get through this...

Hi M.,

In reading your letter, I feel so much empathy for you..First of all, I'd get my priorities a little straighter..You mentioned you have a full time and a part time job,I think I'd give up on the part-time job for a while..sure, maybe your finances will suffer, but at this point in the game, your daughter sounds as if she needs you terribly and this acting out she is doing, is the only way she knows how to show you that she does. Thirteen is an extremely hard age for a boy or girl, trust me I know, I had 6 of those 13 year old children at one time or another, and it "ain't an easy job" for a mother. Kids have weird ways of asking for a bit of their parents lives and attention. I think that's what your daughter is doing. As for the problem you and your husband are having at the present, I don't think pushing him out of the home is the right thing to do, and it doesn't sound as if it's working as far as the family goes..and how do you even know he's not drinking while he's gone?..You don't..He also needs your love and attention, not to mention a ton of support..Alcoholism is not a habit, it's a disease..How do I know this?..I have a 49 year old son who is an alcoholic, and had it not been for the intervention of his fiance' and myself, he'd probably be in the ground by now..He went away to a rehab. establishment for one month, came out clean and sober 8 months ago and is still going strong..Think about that option and let your children know that you are helping their father in that respect, not punishing him. That could be another reason for your daughter's acting this way..I'm not a psychologist or any other type of medical person, I've just lived through what you are, and it's been through my experiences that I could say what I have with you. I wish you and your entire family much luck and happiness in the future and sincerely hope everything works out for all of you..God bless you...D

Stay home and supervise your children!
That is the best thing I can tell you.
They need it more in the teen years than any other time except infancy.
Good luck, because you are headed for big time trouble if she is allowed to disobey and disrespect you.
She knows that this is a turbulent time for you with your husband out of the house so much, and she is taking advantage of the opportunity.
Get some backbone and stick to the important issues like where she is and what she is doing.....good luck!

My now 15 year old and 13 year old daughters both did too. I had prayed and asked God for advice when the older one did this, He told me to love her through every battle (like you I picked and chose them). She did not want me to touch or hug her. I stopped trying to hug her but would maybe touch her shoulder or back lightly every so often. It took about a year and she is doing better, still a lot of anger but she seems better able to control it and she comes to me and snuggles. My 13 year did exactly like your daughter, it was literally overnight. She is the queen of moodiness, whining, and crying. EVERYTHING upsets her. She used to be my best buddy and helper now she is so lazy.
I homeschool the girls so we don't really have issues with peer problems or boys yet. It has been 6 months since she started this and now she is sleeping on the floor of my room. She has no explanation of why. She wants to be with me constantly but it is out of a neediness not because she likes me lol! I recently bribed her into giving me one hug a day because I really think it will help break the ice.
I think most of what we are dealing with is hormones. Both of mine started their cycles right about the time this all started. Also PBS did a wonderful program about teen brains and how they are developing at this point in age. They are actually changing more than a toddler does. They don't see or react to anything the way we do. You might want to check into that info to help you understand this temporary period of insanity.....
Sorry this si so long but I wanted you to know you are not alone and with consistency, prayer, love, time (and possibly counseling) it can get better.
Betzy

Work at home mom, 4 girls ages 33, 31, 15, 13, Loves crafts and runs a small daycare in my home.

Get yourself and her into counseling. She has her hormones raging and her parents marriage is on the rocks. She needs help and support from you and she needs to learn how to take it all in. You can learn to help her go through this rough time. I think the lying and laziness are symptoms of this deeper lying issue. I come from a divorced home and my parents were really really amicable when they separated and through my growing up years. Yet, it left a deep impact in my heart and soul. Anyway, I know this sounds cheesy: if you have ever watched Oprah, she had a show about children from divorced homes and adult children from divorced homes. When they interviewed the adult children and their parents it was evident that the parents didn't really know what was going on with the kids at the time. They (the parents) thought that they (the kids) were all handling the separation/divorce of the parents okay. But the adult children told a totally different story... how it affected them when the parents separated (while the children were young) and that the children felt all alone and were unable to connect the dots to understand what was going on. Anyway, my eyes were opened to a lot of things. You could get a copy of the shows and watch them yourself. It may help get you and your daughter a start to talk and see what is going on inside of her. I also think that part of the lying and laziness is somewhat related to being a teenager. :-)

Hi M., I have three young daughters so I'll be in your shoes sooner than later. First of all, you should remember a 13 year old is still a child. Whether they want to hear or believe that it's true. Secondly, if you are catching your daughter lying, she is up to no good and should be punished. Without punishment she will continue to lie, and the behavior problems will probably only get worse. Plus, she is setting a bad example for your other children. Third, this is just my opinion, but a thirteen year old child does not really need to be hanging out at a boyfriends house. Even if his parents are there do you really want to start all that boyfriend stuff at the tender age of 13? I realize it's normal for kids that age to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school and occasionally talk on the phone or something, but actually allowing them to hang out could lead them to something you may not want. That's just my opinion. Anyway, good luck!

By your description of what is going on in your family's life right now, your daughter is possibly overwhelmed with everything and feeling isolated. The stress of your separation, her father's alcohol addiction (is he getting help or going to AA - you can't make him quit drinking, he has to want to do it for himself), her siblings' disabilities, and just being a teenager are a lot for a 13 year old to handle along with school and peer pressure. You might want to talk to your family doctor/pediatrician for help and possible recommendation of a counselor. Have you talked to her teachers or guidance counselor to see if they have observed anything that you should know about? You are also overloaded with your life - taking care of family, going to school, and working, plus the stress of your marriage and the drinking (I know, I've been there). Take some time for yourself or arrange for you and your daughter to do something special "for the girls", giving her some time alone with just you. Make sure that you always say "I love you" and let her know that she is special and that no matter what you will always be there for her (kids worry about their parents divorcing and that it might be their fault so, if needed, talk to her about the separation, that her dad has a problem that you are trying to work out and that he also needs everyone's love and support to help him). Kids, especially teenagers, will tune you out if you are constantly nagging or lecturing them. Keep checking on who she is with, that parents are chaperoning when at friend's homes, and that she is not getting involved with alcohol or drugs. She is still too young for dating, but group activities are fine as long as reasonable curfews are set and parents drive to and from the activities and stay there until the group is ready to go to their homes. Unfortunately we need to take precautions to keep our kids safe when they are out, even in a group (make sure that they stay together at all times and meet up with supervising parent/s on time). You seem like a very responsible parent, but you are also going through a very stressful time yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor, clergy, or go to alanon meetings to help you get through these times. And, if possible, try to find a few moments in a quiet space for you to relax, read a book, exercise, enjoy a few moments of quiet, or even a little cry to get it all out. Hang in there, it does get better with help and lots of prayers.

Your daughter may not like it but, family always comes first! Friends come and go but, your family is always your family. If she can't respect that then maybe she needs to be disciplined until she learns a little respect. If you don't go where you say you are going then next time you ask you don't get to go anywhere. Don't ask if her chores are done, check and see. If they are not done then she stays home until they are, I bet she starts doing them. Sit down and talk to her about her father. Let her know that you love him and as soon as he stops drinking he will be warmly welcomed home. Let her know you don't want his drinking to hurt the family anymore. Stay firm and consistent and things will get better eventually

I worked with at risk youth for several years, and my gut feeling tells me that 1. she has way too much freedom for a 13 year old. 2. she's trying to get your attention - she wants you to control her - she needs that security. 3. semi dating for a 13 year old seems very risky - even if she is a great kid with a good head on her shoulders. I would start with a new set of rules. If she can honor those, then she can gain back some of your trust. Good luck!

I also have a 13 yo daughter. She also acts lazy and irresponsible, that's what they do. But the lying about where she is and total withdrawal from the family concerns me. In my opinion, making a 13 year old check in at the house physically every hour is a bit much. Kids lose track of time. Maybe that is one of the things causing her to rebel. However, you need to sit down with her and let her know that when she is ready to come talk to you about her feelings you are there. Maybe she feels you are pushing her too much to talk about things. This can push them away. I would suggest just making your presence known to her and letting her know how much you love her. I think she has a lot on her plate with the problems her father and younger sibblings have. She could definitely benefit from some counseling. She needs someone she trusts to talk to (that's why she wants to just be around friends) but you also need her to be able to talk to someone YOU can trust as well (a counselor). Hope this helps you. I know dealing with emotional issues in your children can make you feel hopeless, but keep in mind, all kids go through issues that make them rebel. At least you have some ideas as to what is causing the problem. That is a huge step in the right direction!