13 Year Old Neice, Bra Shopping, Makeup, YOUR ADVICE NEEDED

I think it is a wonderful idea, and as long as Mom & Dad approve go for it. Far as the padded bra, I believe a new bra wearing needs support, because from day one you need to be fitted correctly and have good support. Victoria Secret has some bra's in their pink line that she will absolutely love. I would let her try several different types of bra's with the help of one of the associates,choose cute padded, non padded ect.... Allow your niece to make the choice, the only bra I really do think you should avoid is the water bra. Water Bra's really boost the breast & definately make the breast more noticable. She's 13 its a hard age, & with her parents time is tied up with their autistic child. So she feels out of place any way, & you don't want her to wear anything that will cause her to be noticed more than ever. If she tries one on she will like them. but wearing them in public her breast will be boosted & more noticable, whether she relizes it or not the difference it make's may cause her to end up feeling uncomfortable, so she will end up possible not wanting to wear it. Padded I don't see any problem, great suport, but no water bra's. Let her get used to the new look & new bra. Let her know how important the day is to you as an aunt, because that is exactly how important she is to you. I am you, I do all the things mom & dad don't or can't, but they are my great neices. Go all out spoil her rotten, but be sure to get the point across to her that regardless what happens in her life she can always come to you with anything. I had no one like that, and my parents didn't have time for me. I ended up doing somethings I am not proud of. I would have given anything to have someone that I meant that much too, and trusting is a hard thing when your 13 you are very vunerable. She needs you in many ways. I do these things also, I have neices, nephew's, great neices & great nephews, an these are from my husbands side, they are real blood & all to me. My own neice's mother didn't allow me to spend that type of time with her, that is something that I regret & am sad about. But now she is allowing me to do more with her. I make a policy to tell them come to me if you need someone to talk to. We will work it out, but if I get information that you have done something bad, first strike. We will talk it out & try to deal with it. But second strike, you have to go to your parents and tell them. I found that we are closer & they think about me first when they are headed to do something wrong. So make this day as special as you can encourage her to talk, become the person that can possible stop her from making a bad mistake. Another thing, try to stay away from the g-string. To see those in your daughter's laundry, really throws you for a loop. A mother see's a 13 yr old in a different light, G-strings are something I am not sure this mom is ready for...

3 moms found this helpful

I think its great what you want to do as long as her mom has aproved every where you plan on taking her. I have all girls including 14 year old twin girls and i know what this age is like for a girl. The only thing i might disagre with is victoria secret. I wont take my girls in there because there is very skimpy outfits on display and i dont want them thinking that is ok at this age. I take them to jc penny or wal,mart for bras and pantys. Jc penny can do a profesional fitting. Other than that have fun. You sure are a nice auntie.

2 moms found this helpful

Personally I think it's AWESOME that want to do such nice, and bondings things with your neice! As long as everything you described has been ok'd by her parents, go for it! There are probably tons of girls her age that would LOVE having such a caring and fun female role model in their life! Puberty is a very hard and scary time, and she's definately at the point where things can really start getting confusing, and overwhelming. I think that by building a bond with her now will if nothing else, make her feel that someone genuinely is interested in her and cares about her. I'm sure all of us as teens remember thinking our parents just didn't get it, and they didn't care. If her mom is slighlty overwhelmed it will only benefit your neice to feel like there's someone else there to go to. You can never have too many loving supportive people in your life! I say good for you! And lucky her :)

2 moms found this helpful

13 and she's a woman? Well, maybe a woman in training. I think Victoria's Secret is not too far removed from Fredrick's of Hollywood (just my opinion). I wouldn't go for anything like that for any daughter of mine. Remember to save something for 16, 18 and 21. These activities are nice, but what actual information about puberty is she getting from all this? Are you going to discuss pads vs tampons? Cramps? Midol vs Pamprin? Sex? Birth control? Boyfriends and respecting yourself? Consequences of unwise decisions? With permission from her parents, some actual facts (that are age appropriate, not all of this is) as oppose to all the window dressing is what will help make things less scary and dispel any rumors passed around by her peer group.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree that every girl needs as many wonderful women role models & you sound like a great one. I also agree that as long as everything is in approval from her parents, especially her mother, than have a great day. Even though her mom is busy with other kids, these are things that most moms want to do with their daughters. If you are close enough, then maybe even including her mom in your day.

1 mom found this helpful

Well, you said if even I disagree with you, you wanted to hear it, so..........

I don't believe a 13 yo girl needs a bra and panty set from VS, where they focus on unrealistic body images, and being sexy. A 13 yo does not need to be sexy, despite what the media tell us. I think our teenaged young women need to feel that their body is perfect, just the way God made them. If they don't have large breasts, there is nothing wrong with that, and they shouldn't be taught to pad them! Telling a girl that she can just wear a padded bra is definitely giving her the message that what she has is not enough. I don't think that is what you want to tell your niece, because you said you want her to feel good about her body. Plus, showing teen girls how to be "sexy" could lead to them having to make choices that they are not mature enough to make yet.

IMO, I think it is her mom's place to do THIS part with her, or at least be present at the time. But if you are going to do it, I think you should take her to Nordie's or Dillard's, or as Sarah suggested, the place in Hyde Park. Let her pick out a pretty or cute bra and panty set that does not focus on being sexy. Let her know how important it is to always be fitted for her bras, so that she is wearing the right size. (This, of course, if she is not embarassed about someone fitting her in the first place.)

As for make-up.... again, I think it's important to let her know she is beautiful as she is, and that her intelligence, strength, humor, resilience, kindness, and grace are much more important than putting on make-up. I personally think mascara and lipstick are enough at the age of 13. (Heck, that's all I do NOW!)

Make-up is not good for our skin, anyway. It would be more beneficial for her if you taught her about good skin care (and good skin care products). Teach her how important it is to NEVER go to bed with make-up on, and to wear sun block EVERY day, and use eye cream under her eyes, and moisturizer on her face. She may not totally understand now, but when she's 35, and still has no wrinkles, she will thank you! :)

Manicures, pedicures, getting hair styled - all very fun and girly, and focus on caring for one's appearance, not changing it.

One more idea..........Joining a weekly Jazzercise type class or kick boxing or such, would be fun to do together, and teach her the importance of exercising, and staying fit and healthy. It would also help her be strong and confident.

Have a good day!
J.

1 mom found this helpful

What a nice aunt you are!
I would check with the girls mom about the bra and panties thing, but I don't see any problem at all. If it were my daughter, and mine is 14, I would be very happy that she was getting a chance to connect with a woman who is not mom as we all know there are times a girl needs to confide in someone other than a parent.
One thing I would be careful of though is if you learn something that mom ought to know, you convince the girl to talk it over with her mom , perhaps with you present to mediate.

1 mom found this helpful

I love the fact that you are willing to take this kind of time with your niece and I appreciate that you asked her parents' permission to do this. I agree with the ones who said stay away from Victoria's Secret - not what you want a 13 yo to be exposed to! I would also suggest that if you want this to develop into a long-term relationship, that you tone this first expedition down a little. Maybe just do the skin-care and makeup this time, take her for lunch at a fun place and if you want to buy her something, let her pick out an age-appropriate sweater or blouse. Or maybe not clothing at all, a locked journal, cute photo frame, or some other memento of the day.
Then on subsequent outings you can do some of the other things. If you do all that this time, you'll set yourself up to have to spend a lot to wow her. AND you may be sending the message that she is not pretty/cute/ok the way she is since she needs all this stuff done to be a 'woman'. Keep it simple, a 13 yo is still a child in many ways, and I personally think we push our little girls to grow up too quickly.
And one more thing - from a mother's perspective! - although its great to have an auntie for her to go to, please always encourage her to build her relationship with mom. I've had people I trusted start a relationship with my daughters, then a few months down the road, the girls wanted nothing to do with me, my advice was totally un-cool, and the "friend" had my daughters doing and wearing things that were totally inappropriate and not what we wanted in our home. No matter how much you love your niece, if your career suddenly took you to some other part of the country, she would not be your priority. I always told my kids, other people and friends may come and go, but I will always be your mother, no matter what.
And finally - have fun! :)

1 mom found this helpful

While I think it's fantastic you're helping out your family, I think some may be too much. Victoria's Secret is a bit much, maybe JC Penny or Sears? I know they have stuff at Wal-Mart & KMart, but I don't know about fittings. I'm not sure about padded bras either. I remember how boys were in middle school/jr. high when we started wearing bras ~ not good, if it's padded or has anything to make them more obvious, she could have some trouble at school. Plus it's not teaching her to be happy with what she has ~ to give the illusion she has something more. I'd watch the make-up thing too. Professionals CAKE it on, I feel like a clown when I leave there (a friend had her bridal party go to a professional at a store, we HATED it but did it for her). There was a girl in jr. high that got picked on b/c she wore so much make-up. While you're having your fun girl day, will you be talking about PMS, body changes (besides breasts, things start getting 'hairy'), boys, etc.? That's part of puberty! :o) Have a fun female bonding day! You're a pretty cool aunt!

1 mom found this helpful

I think it's great that you want to do this for her. But, I would take her to some place like Saks instead. There are 2 issues I have with VS.
1) The store sells sex. She's really too young to see underwear as sexy. They do have some plain options, but over-all, that's not what they are selling.
2) They don't cater to bigger sizes. And, while she probably doesn't have large breasts yet, she may one day. I hate to see girls grow up thinking that VS is the best place for bras because they end up being women who stuff themselves into the wrong-sized bra because VS doesn't sell their size. What's worse, the sales people are taught to off-size bras just to sell to a woman when her correct size isn't available.
I used to work as a bra fitter in a specialty boutique. I wear a 32F. I went to VS for underwear and the woman asked if I wanted a matching bra. I told her they didn't carry my size. She asked if I had ever been fitted. I told her that I used to be a bra fitter and that I knew I wore a 32F. She said "I don't think that's even a size." SERIOUSLY?! She thought she knew so much about bras that I must have made up a bra size just to have a reason not to buy one from her? I have been fitted at VS, they put me in a 36DD. It was HUGE around me, my breasts sagged, and the cups were shallow. Technically, the cup has the same area as my 32F, but that doesn't mean it will fit the same. This is their problem. Instead of expanding their line, they just teach their associates to miss-size woman to get a sale:(

Sorry for the rant...Anyhow. Bras go up to a 60QQ. Most people don't know that, VS certainly doesn't. I do know that Nordstroms carries a couple of my favorite brands that have cups up to HH (I LOVE Freya and Fantasie Bras). I think Saks also has higher-end bras that come in a larger-range of sizes. They also carry great starter bras like Wacol that are simple, comfortable, and come in small band sizes if she's small (I think they start at a 28-inch band which is really hard to find anywhere like Target or VS.)

I hope that's not more than you were looking for. I wish someone had told me all this when I was in high school so I didn't wear the wrong size bras until I was half-way through college.

WAIT! I just checked your profile and saw you are in Cincinnati. OK, scrap Saks. Go to Nickers of Hyde Park. It's worth the drive no matter where in Cincinnati you are, I promise. My friend was the manager for a few years. I worked at Candice's Boutique for a while, but I think it went out of business (you can check on that, it's in Kenwood behind Wendy's Bridal).

PM me if you need directions.

1 mom found this helpful

I love what you're doing. Every girl needs a fun aunt to do things like this for her! Someone else mentioned that the makeup counter might overdo it - very true. Make sure it is someplace you trust first, or just do it yourself, she will still love it.

Also be prepared to get dragged into some drama! Before I was a mom I used to do volunteer work with high school kids, and once you get them to open up to you it never stops! If your niece is feeling ignored at home, she may end up calling you at all hours to have someone to vent to about her problems. If you're up for it - more power to you. Good luck & have fun.

I have just a bit of different take - I think it is a wonderful idea. And I think she would love it. But mostly what I have to say is about the personal item shopping - make sure mom is OK with it - but - the most important is to have a good bra style for your umm how I say size... so you don't say how well developed she is. If very well it is important she understand how important a good bra and fit are. I know many are going to go OMG but I think Victoria Secret is a not a bad thing - they do have stuff for JR's - but my mom always taught me to feel good about what I have on and if a "pretty" bra and panty set makes her feel good - people don't know what she has on under her jeans and sweat shirt!!! This is all part of teaching her respect for herself so others will respect her. It sounds like you are wanting to give her life lessons so why not VS. But I will say that JCPenney and Macy's do a very good job also in the sizing and all and they too have very pretty items. Now I want you to know that my mother is very much a religous woman and she has helped teach my nieces and they are very well adjusted but have been wearing VS since they could becuase it's pretty they are 20 and 18 and they learned a lot with our outings and my Moms. My SIL taught them a lot also. It is very good to have many different women to help guide you. I hope you have a wonderful time and a life long special bond.

No advice here, I just think its an awesome idea and as long as her parents are on board with all of your ideas (especially the padded bra part) then I say go for it and have a blast!

B M....I would check with her mother before you set out on this venture. It seems like a lot to do in one day. You could have an outing once a week or so. I don't know about the padded bra thing. She is only 13 and you don't want her to grow up before her time. You might be sending the wrong message. You want her to be a pretty girl not a sexy girl at 13. Have a good time bonding with her. Going out to lunch or a walk is good for a talk.

I think this is awesome! I don't really have an issue with VS as your choice but if you are looking for an alternative you could try Aerie - pretty sure they have staff trained for the fitting and I have found the bras to be good quality and fit.

Hello! I think your intentions are wonderful and you have some really good ideas. A day like that sounds wonderful (at any age). My only recommendation is to first ask her parents if they mind if you do all this. You don't want to step on anyones toes. As long as you're open with her mom & dad on what you want to do then it should all be OK. :)

Have a wonderful day with her!

(PS: I see a few women have a "problem" with VS as your choice for shopping. In my opinion, what better place to get a good fitting and find what will fit right than a bra store! It's not like it's trashy in there. I wouldn't think you are exposing her to anything too over the top in there. Just my opinion but I have a daughter & if one of her aunts wanted to take her to VS to shop, I would be OK with it.)

Dear B M,
I think what you are doing is a great idea. I am not sure I would bring her to Victoria Secret, however. They make you think that you have to be "sexy" & provocative in the way you dress.
Getting her hair done etc.. sounds like you will have a great time! L. J

I think this is a great idea! I have 7 girls and their aunt is not involved at all, as I wish she was. I took my 15-year-old daughter to Macy's for a makeover and they did a wonderful job, they kept it very discreet and did overload her with makeup! They told her the things I had been trying to teach her that less is better and to bring out the beauty in what you already have! I would agree with the advice on VS! I take my girls to JcPenney and they do a wonderful job in fitting them and they have great things to choose from! Make it a day of learning what being a woman is and about being pure to yourself being everything God made you to be and that they should learn they are special in every way even when they are at an akward time in life! Good luck and have a great day!

If her mom is on board with all you've told us, then go for it. I'd make sure she knows you are going to Victoria's Secret for the bra and panties set. I had a friend take my 15 y.o. to VS, and I wasn't thrilled with it. I thought she was too young for such a store. But that was me.
What a great gift for her. She will feel very special. You are great for supplying her with this event.

I think that this is a great idea. Just a suggestion if mom is at all concerned about Victoria's Secret, you could take her to a Hanes, Bali store. They also do fittings and have a little less adult looking displays. I personally think VS is fine, as she's probably seen it 1000 times while at the mall with friends. I think you are helping to set an awesome foundation for communication with your niece.

I think it's great that you want to be so involved with your niece and would like to be someone she can connect with especially since her parents have alot going on. I would think that the manicure and pedicure would be a nice way to connect with her and to help her celebrate her emerging womanhood. I would leave the bra shopping experience up to her. She might not be ready yet and Victoria Secret might give her conflicting messages about what role bra and panties play in one's life. While it is essential to have a great fitting bra I'm not sure she would be ready for the more sexual roles that VS gives their underwear. (if that makes sense). But then she might think that's "grownup" and be all for it. As a mom of a little girl and aunt to tons of nieces I have seen them all develop at such different rates and some are just not ready for bra shopping in such a charged environment. But they are always ready for great pedicures, chats and good eatings. Strong relationships develop over time and often in the very simple things that we aren't even aware that we are doing. I would definitely ask for her input and spread out the experiences over the next few years.

I think it's a great idea. There are MILLIONS of women out there who've NEVER been professionally fitted for a bra and/wouldn't even have a clue how they fit you. Even if it's the only time she ever has or takes the opportunity, she'll at least know how it's done. I'm sure she'll change size as she gets older.

I think it's important for people to feel important (vs entitled) and when you do something like this, it DOES something to their self esteem. I did it this weekend for a 7 year old whose mother doesn't do more than the bare minimum when it comes to taking care of her.

She is a BEAUTIFUL little girl with LONG BLACK hair. you have NO idea how many hours I've spent getting the rats out of her hair!!! Mom doesn't take care of it nor does she help her.

Her father & I have been friends for about 20 years. We agreed that I could take her to the gal who cuts my hair. We went yesterday. First order on the agenda was to get all the rats out! When she was wetting her hair, there was so much suds you would have thought she had already put shampoo in hair. It was from all the suds that had been LEFT IN HER HAIR!!!

She put about 1/3 cup of conditioner on her hair and cut it. She cut about 2 1/2 inches off. You could even see her pretty eyes because her mother had given her bangs at Thanksgiving and hadn't done a thing with them since. They were longer on one side and at this point, you couldn't even see her eyes!!! She looked like a different little girl!!

Her hair could be in a hair commercial. The smile and look on her face was SSSSOOO worth it!! On the way to the car she told me that she went in looking "weird" and came out looking beautiful! THAT was worth it! She then asked me to brush her hair before bed and MORE after I had already brushed it before church. She feels better about herself.

LLLLLOOOOOVE pedicures!!! I always feel special when I get one!!

When kids have siblings who have special needs and or a parent or parents who can't or don't give them the attention they need, I think God put people on this earth to help take up the slack. I feel VERY strongly that I am one of those people. Souonds like you might be too.

I think she is lucky to have you as an Auntie. Enjoy your day with her. Being 13 sucks. Having someone take an interest in your happiness and well- being makes it more bearable.

Don't know if you have one near you, but I would suggest Nordstrom's for the bra & panties. They have a good variety, (I can't say anything here that hasn't been said in previous posts about why VS is not the greatest fora 13-year-old), but the service & fitting and Nordie's is THE BEST & worth the price.

I love your idea partly because I did this with my daughter for her 13th birthday. It was a fantastic day and she still remembers it and tell me we should do it again (She's 15 now). Be open to talk about everything with her because with all the bonding she may open up to you and ask questions you may be surprised to hear. VS is a little on the sexy side as some of the posts said but if she is 13 then she has seen WAY more than what she'll see there and I have to tell you, the ladies int he store are so professional and helpful that she won't even notice all the sexiness. Good for you for doing this for her! Have fun!!

I think it's a great idea. But I would say to go slowly--I was an awkward 13yo girl, and would've been embarassed to be fitted if someone had not explained what was going to happen well in advance.

I'm not sure if you mean this as a surprise or not, but you might just run the ideas past her before you drive out to the store/salons. Maybe take her to lunch, tell her this is her special day, and here are some ideas that you thought of and which, if any, does she want to do? Let her be in charge of what she wants to do, rather than you deciding for her. :)

I think what you are doing is a wonderful thing. Have fun!

This is the sweetest thing I have ever heard. What a lucky niece you have!

Wish you were my aunt!!! That sounds like the nicest time, and I hope it goes well!

I absolutely LOVE this idea! I have 2 nieces who are now 21 and 19. My brother got divorced when they were ver young and eventually got remarried. The sad part is, to this very day, none of her parents, biological and step are very positive influences on these girls! The oldest girl happens to be my godchild so I have always hoped to have a special relationship with her. She will be graduating from college in May. I would love to do these things with her even though she is older but I live 4 states away from her! Instead, I collect things for her and send her various care packages thru out the year with tons of girly things in them from make up to advice books- you name it! I do themed ones as well for special days! She loves them and is always so appreciative! We have a wonderful relationship and she now comes to me for my opinion and advice! I love it as well! It is so fun to do and I am sure you will enjoy these things with your niece. You are doing an awesome thing for her! I am not saying that her parents aren't positive influences but thet obviously don't have a lot of time to give to her. 13 is a hard age. It is great that she has you to be a positive role model in her life and give her that girly stuff that every girl deserves! You have a big heart and as I said earlier, I hope you both enjoy it! Please let us know how things go! You go girl!

What you're doing is very thoughtful & will probably mean more than you could imagine in the long run. Girls that age need 1 on 1 time with adult females. As a single mom who has constantly struggled financially & therefore struggled w/ time, I am so very thankful to the strong female figures who stood up & helped my oldest daughter along the way. As you recall, 13 is the beginning of what can make or break a young woman. Thanks for stepping up and claiming some responsiblity...it really does take a village.

I think it's wonderful that you want to be close to your niece and help her through puberty. But remember, it lasts more than a day! It sounds like you have a lot to accomplish. Do your first idea, skin and makeup, and then take her to lunch/brunch (whatever), and talk to her about what she would like to do next.
I, too, had no one to show me the ropes (I'm 59). My aunt on my mom's side (mom died when I was three) told me that my mom was her big sister who taught her all the "girlie" things. My aunt on the other side who raised me told me nothing about sex or being feminine. How I've wished my mom could have taught me! I, in my "mom's" footsteps, taught my three daughters nothing about sex and femininity; something I regret. I hope your niece learns all the right things about being female.
Good luck in building that relationship with your niece.