24 answers

13 Year Old Lesbian Daughter

My 13 year old daughter recently told me that she is a lesbian. I am overwhelmed and shocked. Never in our family it has happened. I hope and pray that it is only a phase. Went to see a councillor at Triangle Project in Mowbray. South Africa. I have a 28 yr daughter and 20 yr son. 47 married and love my kids very much. It is so tough for gays and my biggest concern is how will she cope. I pray for my wife, kids and especially for her. Advice will be very much appreciated.

What can I do next?

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Everyone here has given great advice. I also suggest looking up PFLAG. One more thing, there's a new channel on YouTube that might help both her and you:

2 moms found this helpful

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Thank you to all. I love your positive repsonses and yes I will love my daughter always unconditionally. Sometines I just feel like crying but I know God love all his creatures. We watch the film from Sigourney Weaver together whose gay son killed herself. That was in the evening after 10 then she told. I saw some of her notes and had a suspicion but oh so wished it was not so. I treasure your responses.

9 moms found this helpful

my biggest piece of advice is to love your daughter and support her as much as possible. Gays and lesbians have a harder road ahead as they struggle to gain acceptance, and for some the hardest critics are the ones at home. It makes me sad to see high school pictures of my husband's twin, he looks like a skeleton as he made himself sick because he was sure he was gay and sure that no one he loved would accept him. Thankfully, he was wrong, but it took until he was almost done with college before he could come out to his family and friends.

9 moms found this helpful

Love her unconditionally!! Don't dismiss this or she might shut down and shut you out. Listen to her and begin to research PFLAG. You may or may not need it. You are not alone. It took great courage on her part to tell you and it speaks volumes to how loved and protected she feels. You've done a great job so far!!!

7 moms found this helpful

You don't have to agree with her but you should be there for her and support her. This is such a critical age. Suicide rate among teens who are gay is very high. Not because they are gay but because their family rejects them or thinks it's a phase. She didn't decide to be this way, just like you didn't decide your sexual orientation. She can't help it. She needs a base during this time in her life as she evolves into the person she will become. Love her just like you did before she told you. She is still the same person. Don't let the fact that she is a lesbian define who she is. Do you let the fact that you are a heterosexual define who you are? No. If she loved books before you told her she will love books after you told her. She still likes to laugh and maybe eat pizza. Just please be there for her and don't judge her.

7 moms found this helpful

You should be proud that she trusts you enough to come to you and confide with you. That alone says you have done something right as a parent!

I am not gay and I hold no judgements against anyone who is. Actually, I have some great friends who are gay. My daughter (15) has a couple of great friends who are gay as well.

This is not shameful so please don't make her feel like it is. She needs you and your family more than ever right now so please just be there to have her back and let her know you love her no matter what. Make sure she knows you love her no less now than you did before she told you.

5 moms found this helpful

Hi V., the stigma you grew up with regarding homosexuals and the culture she is growing up in are very different. It may be harder for YOU than for her. We have come a LONG LONG way accepting and even embracing the gay/lesbian community.

I have three teenagers in a middle class suburban school district. My kids all have friends/acquaintances who are openly gay in high school. Nobody really thinks that much about it, least my kids don't.

It sounds by your post like you are open and willing to love and support your daughter and get her help when she needs it. You are to be applauded.

You CAN hope and pray that it's only a phase, and it's actually 'popular' these days to make the announcement (from some teens point of view) that you are gay or bisexual. But so that you won't be 'shoked' again when it's clear it's true, better not 'hope and pray' too much.

You and your wife must already be excellent parents already for her to feel comfortable approaching you on the subject!

Good Luck, keep the lines of communication with her open at all times.

I think once it sinks in, all will be well with you and your family. God Bless!

4 moms found this helpful

I do have to chime in here, as I taught high school and had several lesbian students...I had 9th graders so 14 to 15 years old.

To me it seemed like there was no big stigma attached to the lesbian students...they dated openly, talked about their sexuality openly, and for the most part were quite popular (one girl practically ran her class and had no self esteem issues whatsoever, in fact had a long line of admirers and never lacked for a girlfriend). Other teachers and I it seemed were always breaking up public displays of affection between the lesbian girls (as we did with all couples...particularly sneaking around during class times out of class on pass).

Now the male students who were gay, they are the ones who were very quiet about their sexuality and tried to fly under the radar. They are the ones who seemed to face more problems with their peers.

Just love her, listen to her, and support her...it may be something she is experimenting with and it maybe that she has felt this way a long long time and thank God she feels like she can talk to you about it.

A big hug to you!!

4 moms found this helpful

If you are religious you must know that we are as God creates us- in ALL shapes, sizes, colors and types! You are a good parent that your daughter trusts you enough to tell you this. Your job is to love and support her - she can't choose being a lesbian anymore than she could choose her hair or eye color.

Find a local FLAGG branch and talk to other parents who have probably gone through the same shock and concerns as you have. And DON'T despair- there is a lot of hatred and prejudice in the world still, its true. But there is also growing love, understanding and acceptance out there as well. Your wonderful strong daughter may be one of the people who helps to change attitudes towards gay people in the future, just as civil rights leaders changed attitudes towards black people in the 1960s.

I have several friends who are gay. All of them KNEW they were be high school- please don't demean your daughter's trust by hoping this is a 'phase'.

BTW- out of 5 good friends who are gay, 2 are in relationships that have lasted over 15 years and would get married immediately if it was legal, 2 others have steady boyfriends, and only one is currently dating.

This ratio of people with 'permanent' partners to those who are boyfriend/girlfriends and those who are just dating is about the same as it is with my straight friends! So don't worry that this means your daughter will never meet someone and be happy and raise a family- it doesn't!

Who knows what the future will bring? Love and support and trust your daughter as you always have. God doesn't make mistakes and she was created as she was meant to be- just love her!

4 moms found this helpful

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