13 Year Old Daughter & I Am Pulling My Hair Out !!!!

What helped with my very headstrong!!!! daughter was sports, activities, and absolutely no, no, no free time to think about talking back. She was so exhausted that she fell into bed at 9:00 without complaint. When she stopped being so involved the sky fell in and we really had some words, but until then things were okay. (PS My son was much easier too.)

And I have to tell you what Mark Twain said about his theory about teenage daughters. He had 4. He said between the ages of 13 and 15 you put them in a barrel and seal it up. Between the ages of 15 and 18 you seal up the bung (cork) hole.

We use the love and logic methods and they do really seem to work well. I signed up for their email list and see suggestions on how to help teens through the rough times - you might want to look into it. http://www.loveandlogic.com/

Good luck!

Try not to get confrontational, as it may get physical. Make a time like after school she does dishes and washes coffee pot. Homework gets done before computor or cell phone use. Make up is going to probably bother you but its what all the teenagers are doing. If she,s anything like my daughter who has a best freind who has more power over her than I do, well we have to be carefull we dont push them away. All we can do is guide them to make their own mistakes. Some one on here told me that. I loved that advise by the way. We,ll be there for them if they fall. Maybe for mothers day she,ll think about things and give you a chance to talk? I seriously thought about leaving too! We should leave together? Just kidding. No someday she,ll grow up and you,ll both remember the old days like my mother and I and laugh and laugh! Happy Mothers Day May 8th everybody!

If she doesn't doesn't appreciate what you do for her, then take it all away.
No door to her room.
Mattress on the floor for her to sleep on.
One weeks worth of clothes for her to wear - she gets to wash them.
No cell phone or games or electronics or computer (except for school work) and she has to work on it in the living room.
She eats what everyone else eats at meal time. No snacks or foraging for food the rest of the time. (I know one family who had to put a pad lock on the pantry and fridge to keep their 6 kids from eating a weeks worth of groceries within 2 days.)
No make up or perks of any kind.
She has to earn things back with good behavior and if she backslides, she has to earn them all over again.
If she won't turn her attitude around and really wants to live with her Dad (would he even take her? He might not. Just because she wants an escape doesn't mean he'll provide it for her.) maybe she should try it.
You and your other kids will enjoy the peace.

I do not have any advice. Your post breaks my heart. I have three teenagers (including a soon to be 14 yo daughter), but we do not have this kind of stress in our lives. We are very close. I'm not sure how it happened this way, but I cannot imagine constant conflict and anger and lashing out.

I hope you can keep her close. I hope you can see whatever approach you are currently using is not working.

I cherish every moment of my relationship with my daughter. We talk constantly, we giggle together about dumb songs on the radio, we enjoy talking about the differences in boys and us, we poke fun at our men together, we discuss things we see on TV, cars driving by us, things her friends do/say, thing family members do/say, she teases me about my lack of fashion sense, I tease her about her latest funky haircut, she sits at the island while I'm making dinner and goes on and on about this teacher or some other thing that happened at school, I go on and on about what I'm cooking, something the dogs did today, even we discuss posts I read on this site, I tell her she is the coolest kid I ever met, I try to make conversation with her boyfriend, her friends text ME when she doesn't answer, I tell her she needs to clear a path through her room, she giggles and does it, I brag to anyone who'll listen about her 97 average, volunteer work, sports, I ask her to bring her things upstairs and start to hum the theme from Jeopardy until she sighs and gets busy.....

I want every mom to have that with their daughters. I truly hope you can find a way in and keep her close to you.

:(

Start instituting what poster "B" had to say and, in the meantime, I would look up the following sources...

Parenting with Love and Logic. I use this with my students (high school) and it works.

Look up Dr. John Rosemond, a child psychologist on the Internet. He's got some books out and a subscription based website. I hated his column when I first started reading it but the sense of it grew on me over time. He's a real throwback to the 1950s age of parenting. I've come to appreciate and agree with many of his ideas and methods. "B's" idea is right in line with what this guy says. I highly recommend him. He makes a nice counterpoint to Love and Logic.

Check with dad about the possibility of her living with him. It might be a total shock to her world view that HE doesn't want HER...a much needed shock. When you have no place to go, the place you're at doesn't seem so bad.

I guess the only thing I would share is my household philosophy: chores, respect and a good attitude are the price you pay to be part of the family. If you want the benefits of the family, you have to contribute positively. Otherwise you're persona non grata. At 13, my eldest tested this rule. He was a real pain in the butt, sassy, rude, didn't do his chores, and mean to everyone. His excuse, "I didn't feel like it." He lost privileges, got grounded all the usual stuff to no effect. Then came a busy weekend. He came out to the tv room one fine Friday afternoon, "Ok, mom, you can take me to the school dance now." I stayed right where I was and said, "I don't feel like it." No dance. I was lucky. That's all it took to open his eyes and all is well. At 10, my youngest pushed this rule and he wound up in a life like B described, on top of being my personal slave, for a week. I had the cleanest tile grout this side of the Mississippi because he scrubbed it all with a toothbrush and baking soda. After 3 days of toothbrush scrubbing, my youngest reformed and hasn't been a problem since.

But, I have boys. They can be pretty smelly and dense at times, but they sure do love their mama and hate seeing her mad, angry or upset.

Hang tough, sister. When things get really bad, smile, hug your daughter and say, "Someday, my most precious girl, you will have a daughter JUST LIKE YOU!" Who knows? Maybe the thought of having her will scare her into good behavior. <wink> Hugs...

Being a teenager is tough, they are hormonal and it simply is not the same to be a teen now like it was when we were kids. When I think of the things my own 15 year old has already experienced and the knowledge he already carries with him, it truly frightens me.

You need to reconnect with your daughter, sit down and have a heart to heart. Treat her with respect and dignity in the same way you want her to treat you...talk to her like a person, don't talk down to her. Tell her how she is causing you to feel...use lots of "I" statements, not the accusatory "You"
I am telling you this has made a world of difference with my teen.

We ALL have bad days, acknowledge that, let her know it is ok for her to have some feelings of anger etc, but make sure she knows that she also Owns that and is responsible for what she puts out there. Let her know it is ok to come and talk to you...there may be something really going on that is causing her to lash out.

I am not condemning you in the least...just telling you what has helped with my own teenager.

I also recommend counseling for you and your daughter. This is a hard time of life for both of you. We spent a year in counseling with my stepson when he was 14. It was hard, but very worthwhile.

If the first counselor you find doesn't feel right, keep looking until you find one that relates to you and your issues.

My heart goes to you, I also get scare that my teen one day would just wants to go live with her father, but we need to take our chances and do what is best.
I think some where in the path you may have things go to far and is going to be hard to take control back, but is not impossible.

-Be clear on what you expect, put it on paper, talk to her when both of you are calm, better in the car so you both have to stay in the conversation, don't lost your cool while talking to her, this first step is not about changing her but to make clear she hears what you expect, keep that in mind.
Also make sure you say what is going to happen if she doesn't follow the rules.

-Think about punishment "before" you write it down.

-Pick your battles, how her hair is, if the closet is not neat, etc are things you may want to let go.

-Let "some" space for let her be part of some decisions (what time she rather do her shores per example).

-Don't feel bad for punishment but be constant and also respectful, if you know that you are being fair on what you are asking, is not need to take the punishment away or to even feel bad about it.

-Don't let things scale and then just drop 10 punishments at the same time just because you got desperate.

-Keep telling her you love her, that you believe in her, that you are on her side but sometimes you have to be the though one.

-I know maybe this one is difficult if you already have your hands full, but finding some time for one on one would be so helpful, this time shouldn't be discipline time but just fun, get to know each other time, let the problem for later.

-I recommend the book: "How to hug a porcupine, Negotiating the prickly points of the tween years"

-We can be "friendly" with our kids, but most of all we are the parents, no their friends, be friends to them is a "privilege" we BOTH have to work with time and respect, it goes both way and normally gets better when they become parents them selfs.

Let me also tell you, my mother was a strong disciplinary mom, my father was no much in the picture and often I would think he was great (of course, he never yell) we had many fights when I was teen, it was until I grow when I look back and I realize how great and strong she was, and how lame my father was too. We are super good friends now, and I am thankful she didn't give up on me. Hold on there and be kind to your self too, deep breath.

Hugs to you and my best wishes for you to grow a better relationship with your daughter.

B said it best. you may not want to hear it but you are allowing her to do this to you. i could never do the things she was doing and still be able to go where i wanted, have nice things, have nice clothes and talk to my mother like that! Because first of all you would have to take her foot out of my behind and find my teeth on the floor somewhere. TAKE EVERYTHING! It is a blessing to have parents/a parent who provides not just the necessities but also the wants. I know people who can't afford to pay a phone bill for a cellphone for themselves let alone for a kid! and she has one? Turn it off! need new clothes? THRIFT STORE! tv? forget about it! School,home,chores would be her everyday routine until she got her act together. things don't have to be perfect all the time. but that disrespect has got to go. because her next step will be calling you out your name and/or hitting you! nip this in the bud NOW! don't back down,don't feel sorry for her,make her earn what she thinks she deserves. and like B said if she back tracks make her start all over again. what she is doing now will carry over into her adult life,jobs,dealing with the public, and if she talks to the RIGHT person like that in public somebody will hurt her. get her together now. i wish you the best of luck and you and your family are in my prayers.

I believe B has it totally correct.
The Total Transformation Program. www.thetotaltransformation.com
http://parent2parentwithteens.com/?tag=obnoxious
Tie Privileges to Behavior. You owe your teen a roof over her head, food to eat, and your love. Everything else (cell phones, video games, internet access, cable, free time with friends, money for the dance on Friday night, etc) are all EXTRAs. It might not seem like that sometimes, but if you start recognizing that each of the items your teen holds dear is most likely a want and not a necessity, then you can offer your disrespectful teen a choice. If your teen chooses to treat you and the other members of your family with respect and follow the house rules, then there will be privileges to have. If your teen chooses to behave disrespectfully, that behavior is a demonstration of a lack of maturity and privileges can be denied or removed from the teen’s life.
http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/how-to-par...

My nine year old is giving me similar problems & this summer I am going to be selling everything in my house that is not nailed down including all of her stuff. This way I will no longer have to nag her to clean up after herself, she will not have anything to clean up.
http://www.ehow.com/how_###-###-####_find-camp-troubled-t...

I have had major issues with my 13 now 14 yo. She has told me she hates me and we used to have yelling fights! i found this website Empowering parents - you may have seen the commericals on TV for their program-the website is free and has some great tips/ articles that i have started successfully using.
1. don't engage, let it get personal if she starts yelling at you tell her you will talk about it when she is calm & walk away.
2. Don't let it be personal- You didn't walk dog so you need to pick up poop. -
2. lay out rules before hand- She needs to know the house hold rules AND the consequences for not following
3. they also talk about if you take away too much you risk your teens saying I have nothing so i just don't care i'm gonna do nothing - I made that mistake with son took away all TV computer privledges basically the only things he lived for- so he just refused to do anything including getting out of bed/ school

I think you and she need to sit down and have a talk when you are both calm- You need her to know you love her no matter what but it is your job as a parent to teach her how to get a long in the real world. In the real world there are consequences- don't get up for work= you get fired ..Can't wear whatever you want to work- there are dress codes ect. She also needs to know you are proud of her and that realistically she can't go live with dad or gramma (if that is true)

Check out the website, call her school see if she can have some time with her guidance counselor- also usually the school will help find you therapy for her if she needs it.
Most of all keep slogging thru one day at a time you will make it be strong!
we are there 4 u!

Buy stock in AB until she turns 19, longer if she doesn't go away to college. My daughter is an amazing young woman now but lord when she was a teen I wanted to look into boarding schools. :p

Here is the thing I learned in psychology class, they test you, push you, are just god awful to you because they are secure in your love for them. That got me through the end of her teen years. :) Argh! and the little one is turning ten next week! *dies*

I glanced over most of the replies, and you have some great ideas there.

I would take away everything that is not a necessity: Cell phone, music player, cds, expensive label clothes, and all but one pair of sneakers. Then tell her she has to earn her stuff back or it's going to a shelter or on eBay where someone who is more appreciative can have it.

See if you can take a tour (with your daughter) to a juvenile detention center. Help out in abused women's shelters.

Whenever my teen son used to tell me I was mean or he hated me, I always replied with, "I love you, son." Drove him crazy.

As for the constant bickering? Tell her what the punishment is and then walk away. If she doesn't abide, find something that you've collected from her room (the extras she's supposed to earn back) and take it to a shelter, or eBay. A few times of this and she will know you are serious.

I hate to admit this, but I use my sister as an example for my kids. She didn't want to get up early for school, so she fought with my mother to let her go to alt school. She did horrible. She didn't graduate, she can't hold a job and she blames it on everyone else. She is much younger than I. And I had graduated by the time our parents divorced. She used that against my mom throughout her teens. Played the cards whichever way she could. Now she's on her own and she's always got a problem. Don't give in. It's rough and those middle school years stink! If you're consistent, by the time she's in the 10th grade she'll start turning around. She'll turn before then, but that's when it seems they've found their place and everything starts going much smoother.

Hang in there, you're an awesome mom (she'll admit to that later when she has her own kids).

I haven't tried it myself yet but am attracted to the love and logic methods. I remember my own experiences as a rebellious teen. Looking back I think I was in the grip of some powerful hormonal fluctuations and was very depressed (major teen angst) and angry all the time. Not fun to be around for my family. All the punishments made me feel more alienated and resentful. I was really hurting inside and didn't know why I felt or acted like I did. My family was stable and loving, it was just me feeling overwhelmed with trying to find my place in the world. When my parents punished and restricted me it made me more determined to break away from them. I ended up dropping out of high school and moving out on my own. I'm not saying your daughter doesn't need discipline but think carefully about how you go about it and what you really want to achieve... I would really think about whether the discipline is a sort of power struggle stand off that will push her farther away... the love and logic sounds like a much more supportive approach. I just worry that she is hurting inside like I was and is caught in a power struggle with you that will end up alienating you both.

I am sorry for your situation.

But I am wondering if things would change if you responded to her calmly and not get riled up by what she says. She is a teen, so she is bound to get hormonal. But, if you could stay calm and not respond to her in the way she expects you too, she might blow her steam and you two could have conversation about it.

You have to be consistent in your rules for her. Punishment after an outburst from her is necessary but it is also a knee jerk reaction. Make rules, discuss it with all your children and there will be no exceptions.

If you or your other children are as rude are your 13 yr old, they get to share the same punishment. (Of course, you can't be grounded, but you need to be accountable and set an example) If both of you blow your top, you are left with two bickering people with no sense of reason.

I know its sounds easy and I don't have a teen. But I hope some of this will help.

Good Luck.

H.R. I don't have any specific ideas but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you guys.

I think the strictness is a good idea.No phone, no driving her anywhere except school. no computer, no shopping, take it all away. If she doesn't like your cooking, she can make it herself. Maybe she needs to cook dinner a few nights a week. She is certainly old enough. She can do her
own laundry. If she doesn't like all that you do for her and provide for her, take it all away. Stop it now, before you have totally lost her.

I've gone through the teenage years with my two boys and now my daughter is 13. With my boys I came to the conclusion that if I could have shut them up in their rooms between the ages of 13-16, I would have. Once they turned 16 I saw signs of civility again. Either way, I never let them get away with treating me or their siblings like that. No matter how much grief they give you, stick to your guns about proper behavior towards other people. Believe it or not, I would actually send them to their rooms and tell them they could come out when they could act civilized. If they wanted to eat they had to be polite. That is not too much to ask. And, yes, sometimes they did take food to their rooms. I never allowed TV's in their bedrooms. They didn't even have computers in their rooms until they had jobs and bought them with their own money. It is a hard lesson to learn the difference between privileges and rights.
I also wonder if there isn't another underlying reason why she is being so difficult other than just a phase and hormones. Check to see how she is doing in school. What kind of "friends" is she hanging out with? How are her grades? Is she getting bullied at school? Is she overly stressed about the academic requirements? Or the dreaded "drugs"? Maybe she is under so much pressure at school that she is taking it out on her loved ones at home. Middle school age is a very rough time for kids. Maybe she needs some kind of counseling (if you can't afford it check with the school).
Good luck and remember to tell her you love her. You don't know how many times I'd say "I'm not doing this for me. I am doing it for you."

You're worried about being too harsh?? Really?

Sounds like that girl needs her face slapped.

That's what my parents did when I talked back, and I was not brave enough to do it a second time.

It is time for family therapy. Your children have no father. His visits are more of a disturbing influence that a settling one. Everyone in your family is in need of communication counselling including you. So find someone who is known for really helping families learn to live together. Your daughter is the canary in the mine. The others are suffering too but she's the one acting out so you blame her.
My daughter rebelled big time. She went to live with her father and came home on her own on AMTRAK after seeing he was no bargain. She continued with her rebellion but at a level I could handle.

Maybe you should sign her up for that show "World's Strictist Parents" LOL ~ I am sorry, I don't mean to make light of your post, because I really do feel bad for your situation. But it seems that she really needs to have an eye opener. I hope that she learns to appreciate all that you do for her. It is always easy to think IF I went and lived with dad, or IF I did this, of IF I did that, then everything will be great, but what she doesnt' realize is that there are always going to be obstacles that we face and we need to learn how to manuever through life, obstacles and all. Maybe it would help to do some family counseling? How is she doing in school? Could there be more going on that she is not telling you? Are you guys involved in a church in your area? Is there a youth pastor that maybe she could talk to? 13 is a hard age.....I wish you the best!

Okay, it does sound extreme, but that's a teenage girl for you. Trust me, I have three sisters and it could not have been easy for my mom and dad! My brother left home when I was 12 (he's the oldest and probably couldn't take it anymore! haha). Anyway, my mom used a lot of the Love and Logic principles on us. They worked like a charm. For instance, I missed the bus constantly worrying about how my hair looked and she even tried getting me to walk to school. That didn't work so she told the principal the real reason I was constantly late. He called me into his office to have a chat about my curling iron and I was so humiliated I was never late again! Anyway, I just took a love and logic course last year to deal with my then 3.5-year-old son who is sometimes like a 15-year-old, and things have been much calmer around our house. I suggest getting some of their CDs or DVDs and going through them. They have such good suggestions for dealing with teenagers. My sister is starting to use them and she has a 14-year-old stepdaughter and a 16-year-old stepson and it works like a charm. Their web site is: www.loveandlogic.com and they list their books/cds/dvds by age category. I'm telling you, this will stress you out less and put more of the onus to shape up on your daughter. Good luck!

I recently read a book called Parenting without Power Struggles. It seems to deal mostly with this type of on-going behavior. The 'answers' presented are not immediate responses, but almost more of a recommendation of an entire parenting approach.
You might find it interesting and informative, though. I found ideas to use for most of the relationships in my life, and, while it may not fix all your issues with your daughter, it might help you make inroads.
Good luck.