13 Year Old Boy Self Esteem

No one is good at everything. And it can take a long time to find what we are good at. My son likes tae kwon do because improvement is mostly measured against yourself, although if you WANT to be competative, you can participate in tournaments, but they are totally optional. If he starts now, he can be a black belt in about 2 years time, and will be nice to have in high school. You learn self confidence, self discipline and self control. And breaking wood with your hand or foot is just awesome! Leaving lacrosse is not quitting so much as it is admitting an interest has run it's course and it's time for something new. It's growth, and it's healthy.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,
I feel for you. Whenever our children are upset, it effects us as well. We want them happy and to be accepted.
How about a sport like golf or tennis, or track, where your son can just compete against himself, where he can set goals for himself to meet. Sometimes teams sports like soccer and baseball and football are really hard on the kids who ride the bench. As they get older, this only gets worse. Some kids are even ok with this because they like playing on a team and being part of a team. It doesn't mean they "stink" at anything. It just means they aren't as good as the starters. My son's school baseball team has 20 kids. Only 9-10 of those kids get to play. It is a struggle for the parents to see their kid sit game after game, but the important question to ask yourself, is he OK with that?. If the answer is no, it's time to stop playing and find something else that may work for him. If the answer is yes then let him be a part of the team. Ultimately it comes down to what your son wants to do. It's a tough situation I know, but the most important thing is that your son, whether he sits on the bench or not, is HAPPY with himself.
Good luck....

Hi L.,

I went through very similar situations with my son. One thing I can tell you is that no matter how much my husband and I supported, and encouraged, my son acceptance from his peers was much more important. All he would ever say to me is "Mom you have to say nice things because your my mom!" I guess the first question I have is does he still want to play lacrosse or do you and your husband still want him to play? If he is no longer interested then I would say just that he is no longer interested not that he is giving up. Being a teenager is very tough and unfortunately morals, and what we think are positive accomplishments for children are no longer COOL!! It seems sometimes all of the hard work we do as parents to raise our children properly can fall by the waste side when they fall victim to kids who have not been raised with such morals. Sometimes kindness is mistaken for weakness and unfortunately when you have a sensitive child you can not teach them not to be. It is who they are. I will tell you my son could be crushed by words, he took others opinions of him to heart. My daughter was the complete opposite and I feel I have raised them both the same. It is really difficult for a 13 year old to stand up for themselves. I think the best solution here is to listen to him and ask him what he wants to do. What is going to make his life easier right now without making him see it as giving up. I know sometimes as parents we think we should not allow our kids to give up to stick things out even when they are tough, but with some kids you just can't do that. You and only you know your child. My son became very depressed in his teen years so this is a very sensitive subject for me. That is why I am saying listen to what he is telling you. I think it is great that he is reaching out to you and your husband. Most kids can't and they just hold in their feelings and that is never good. Just keep the lines of communication open and help him to find something he can do and feel good about. Good luck

I am sorry to hear about your son feeling that way. I also have an almost 13 year old in few days and even thoug he is good at sports, his academics are not the greatest. Boys can feel that way not only bec of sports but their grades. Maybe your son doesn't like sports and finds joy doing something else? music? theater? or a non contact sport? how about tennis, swimming?

I am a great beleiver in therapy ( I have taken my son) if you can find a good therapist that you trust, maybe she can help as well. Kids don't tell their parents everything especially at that age. Its important to give him support and tell him, that if those kids are not nice to him- then is not worth it to have them as friends anyway.

good luck

Hugs L., I'm a mom of a 14 year old and a 10 year old. My 10 is a boy and isn't good at sports, has pretty much given up playing them because he's at the point where all the other kids playing are really good. It's hard because that's often where socialization and acceptances comes from, for boys (sorry to make it sound like a double standard). My suggestion is, if he is not already involved in other activities, that he become active at something where he can excel and spend time with peers who have a similar interest. My son is active in scouts and 4H. Does your son's school or your rec department have after school clubs or programs? If science club, Lego robotics club, chess club, school newspaper or skiing would be more his thing, encourage him to do what he thinks he would enjoy and excel at.

My 12 yr. old was devastated when she didn't make the school soccer team, so she joined the cross-country team.
She loved it! A team sport that is all about doing your personal best. She's looking forward to outdoor track!
Over the holidays, I heard about a few other girls and boys with similar stories. (not too much equipment either!)
good luck!

I don't have an answer, but I do want you to know there are more of us moms out here that have the same issue. I also have a son that is very sensitive, and not a "sports" kind of kid. The reality is there are more of us than them, unfortunately that doesn't help. We have found a couple of activities that our son enjoys and we just try to focus on that; and we also have many conversations with him focusing on the importance of his character and integrity rather than skills.

Thirteen is such a hard age. While it would be great if he stood up for himself, imagine how hard that is. Every child has a "place" in the pecking order and the reprocussions of "getting above your station" can be very hard and brutal. It is so painful to watch, I know, since we are going through something similar with our daughter. But expecting them to stand up for themselves is like asking them to throw the whole social order out of whack, a very tall order.

Have you tried talking to his coach? My daughter's soccer coach is wonderfully funny and supportive of those who aren't star players and his attitude towards them infuses the whole team. To him "heart" is as important as talent and he encourages everyone to shine in whatever way they can. He nips any fussing about mistakes in the bud, telling the team that anyone who doesn't make mistakes is not trying out anything new, the biggest mistake of all.

If that doesn't work, maybe he could find another sport he enjoys, something where his performance is less key to the sucess of the team as a whole. Running? Fencing? Swimming? Rowing? There are so many things he could try if his lacrosse team is making him feel clumsy and useless.

Hi L., I'm sure you are concerned about your son and his self esteem. Is there something else, besides a sport that he can focus on to feel better about himself? If not, is there a clinic or some help for him within the sport? Will the coach help him? Many times in life we all have to face our shortcomings. Life has a way of backing us up against the wall and causing us to change direction. This sports issue is also a lesson in life. Yes! continue to encourage your son. It is so good taht he speaks to you and shares his feelings. Sports are not the end of the world. My 10 year old grandson has tried baseball, football and now is is a Hockey clinic. He really shines when I ask him to help, sweep, shovel snow and when he can go to work with his dad. Keep the lines of communication open and always assure him that you love him as he is and he Will find somethine he can do well. My best, Grandma Mary

Sign him up for karate classes. They build self esteem and character as well as so many other great benefits. I do not know where you live, but call my daughters karate teacher mr. Jason donovan at traditional karate in brooklyn, new york for advice,if this location does not work for you!!! Tell him ms. Campbell referred you~ the number is ###-###-####...trust me you won't regret this! Best of luck...

I think you should be proud of him and very releived that he trusts you to open up to you like that and talk about his feelings to you!!! That is so important! Look into his other interests outside of sports, like art, or science whatever it is and find some kind of club or class he can take somewhere. Music? Instrument lessons? Guitar is cool for boys! Also go to the library and maybe find some biographies about successful people he's heard of in different fields, they always start out talking about the obstacles they overcame to get where they are. It will give him some perspective and hope, show your son that not being great at sports is no big deal and that is not the end all be all of life even though it might feel like it sometimes. Good luck, this too shall pass

God blesses each of us with different gifts. He still needs to find his. If he is more concerned about how others perceive him, it's normal at that age. Just tell him that he is loved and blessed with talents no one else has. Ask him to make a list of things he enjoys doing that makes him feel good about himself without getting praise from others. Encourage him to develop these passions.

Seems to me this child (your son) should find something he is really good at and can enjoy as a hobby. He may not be a nayural athlete and that's ok. I hope he knows that? Is he into any other activities or can you help him find one? Music, Martial arts, skating, drawing, playing chess? You should talk to him about his feelings because they can become worse if he is not dealing with them properly. This is a very important time in his life (puberty) so spend the extra time to help him grow. It will be worth it.