23 answers

13 Year Old and Boyfriend??

Hello-

Would you let your 13 year old DD have a boyfriend? I remember liking boys and having boyfriends at that age. But it would be like two weeks and then break up and then you would like someone else. lol Also how do you feel about boys and girls going to the movies in groups etc. TIA!

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I think 13 is a little young for a steady boyfriend. Group outings to movies are fine.

I'm a little old-fashioned, I'm afraid!

1 mom found this helpful

I would think it's okay, I wouldn't forbid her from having one because then she will feel like she has to hide things from you, then she'll start secretly seeing boys and doing secret things then next thing you know they are pregnant at 15. As long as she is opened to you about it.

At that age it's just puppy love, or just for show it's not really serious, and they are usually very shy with each other at that age, my youngest sister is 13 and the only time she ever sees her "boyfriend of the week" it's always in a big group of friends.

Thats my opinion. Oh and remember to do the "talk" too =)

1 mom found this helpful

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To answer simply....nope. My husband and I have already discussed this with each other and are starting to discuss it with our 11 year old daughter....she will not be allowed to commit herself to a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship that early regardless of how long/short it is. We can deal with her having boys that are friends but no to the romantic relationships. I am taking my daughter to a mother/daughter conference Nov. 14th on purity and it is definitely after completing this event, that we plan to cement this rule and why. Hopefully she will have a better understanding after she gets all the info from the speakers and then we talk more about it at home (we've already talked some, but we plan on making this the icing on the cake, decision, rule making talk).

Bottom line is, girls and boys are doing things much earlier now than they did a generation ago. Girls are getting pregnant at 13....some 13 year old boys look like 18 year old men with the hormones and sexual drive to go with it. I have to protect my daughter from her own innocence and some pushy "excited" boy.

2 moms found this helpful

Hormones and secrecy begins around this time so be careful. Not allowing mixed groups leads them to secrecy too. Chaparoned groups are best. The chaparone doesn't have to sit in the same row. Chaparoned parties, etc. Get to know the friends parents so you know who to trust. (There are problem drinkers, people who have loaded guns in the house that they think are hidden, unprotected prescriptions that could be abused, etc.) But restricting them from getting together in mixed groups is almost as bad. I've seen them babysit and then invite their guy friends over. If the boys their age won't do that, there is always an older guy that would happily risk that...

Having a boyfriend at school and mixed parties is okay. Having a boyfriend on single dates is riskier. YOu can't keep them from having a boyfriend in spirit. Let them learn about relationships by having good communications so that when they get confused or hurt or pressured, they have had that conversation with you already and know they can talk to you about it.

2 moms found this helpful

Its a normal age to have a boyfriend. If you have an open and honest relationship with your daughter it helps. If there's great communication between ya then you shouldn't worry. You should be her friend but still her mother.

Its not at a age for it to be serious, but you should still talk to her about the birds and the bees. Talk to her about heartache and breakups. We have all been there when we got our heart broken. We know it hurts and we wouldn't want our lil girls to get hurt, but it is part of life.

My lil girl is way too lil for this, but I know that one day I will have to through it too. Just think when you were her age what kind of relationship you would have wanted with your parents. Mine were very strict. I never was allowed to go out alone, I always had to take my lil brother with me. I had a boyfriend when I was 14 almost 15. My parents didn't like the idea but they allowed my then boyfriend go see me at our house, not inside but outside.

My M. told me that she would prefer it this way, because she would rather know where I was at and with who instead of me running off and hide it from them. She did have a good point.

Groups of girls and boys at the movies. It could be ok. Only if you really know her friends and who is really going with them. Friends can be good but also a bad influence. You know your daughter better then anyone. Is she a follower or a leader. Knowing these two things you'll know if she will make good choices.

Kids can always say they are going to one place and head to another. I've seen it happen. Parents drop off their kids at the movies, and they pretend going to the movies and soon as they see their parents leave. They leave too.

2 moms found this helpful

Our daughter will be 15 in December. As far as "letting" her....we don't "forbid" a bf. I don't forbid certains friends (even if I am not fond of them), I let nature take its course and things usually work out just fine.

My daughter is very social, most of the girls who are her friends might have a bf for a month at most. This is NOT a committed deal.... She spends time with a lot of friends, boys as well as girls, going to movies, shopping, Young Life, etc. A lot also depends on the friends she is hanging out with and the similarities....ex: she is an honors student and most of her friends are also honors students, she is active with cheerleading, she is active with the orchestra.

Most weekends, there are anywhere from 8-12 teens (boys and girls) at my house on a given Fri or Sat night. I like the fact that they come here...I know what they are doing. They are not upstairs in bedrooms with doors closed, they are in the game room, or watching movies (SUPERVISED). It shocks me that some parents have no clue where their child is at all.

My daughter has confided in me about certain girls and boys and YES, there are some that have had sex, tried drugs and alcohol. My daughter shared this with me when we were talking about decisions and how these teens made some poor choices. The people she told me about are not at all like daughter...they dont really care about school, they are bored, they have NO parental support or boundaries.

We have very open communication with our daughter and no topic is off limits. She is free to voice her opinion and we will always listen with respect, even if we don't see things her way.

She is becoming a young adult and has to learn responsibility. So far, she is a great child and has made good decisions. We did tell her that 1 careless decision could negatively effect her life forever...Ex: riding in a car with other teens (a HUGE fear of mine), drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, etc.

We try to allow her the freedom to enjoy her teen years while also keeping a close eye on who she is socializing with. I also make a point to meet parents of her friends.

One thing I have noticed which begins in middle school is that there are about 3 "school" within the middle school and high school system. You have the kids who are in regular classes, many of whom (not all) could care less about school or college...of course some do have goals, then you have the honors groups which are kids who have specific goals for college and are working hard for their grades, then you have the program where the gifted/talented and IB students....school is their life and most are already completing some college credit.

We want our daughter to enjoy her teen years but also know that she has boundaries and responsibilites. She has 2 solid parents who support her and she is in a stable home.

Hope that helps some.

2 moms found this helpful

I think 13 is a little young for a steady boyfriend. Group outings to movies are fine.

I'm a little old-fashioned, I'm afraid!

1 mom found this helpful

I would think it's okay, I wouldn't forbid her from having one because then she will feel like she has to hide things from you, then she'll start secretly seeing boys and doing secret things then next thing you know they are pregnant at 15. As long as she is opened to you about it.

At that age it's just puppy love, or just for show it's not really serious, and they are usually very shy with each other at that age, my youngest sister is 13 and the only time she ever sees her "boyfriend of the week" it's always in a big group of friends.

Thats my opinion. Oh and remember to do the "talk" too =)

1 mom found this helpful

I'd love to hear a dad chime in on this one!
I've got a 12, almost 13 year old boy and I can give you his take on it which I find incredibly mature. He has two little girls and ladies 13 is LITTLE, who are interested in him. One cornered him at a party ( adult and kid party and yes I was there) asked him point blank if he "liked" her and he realized this was not good. So as he turned and walked quickly back to the group he said " You know, I'm 12 and I like you and I like a lot of other girls , AS FRIENDS, I'm not old enough to have a girlfriend." Don't get me wrong he was flattered but when we talked about it and he realized if he'd said the wrong thing this girl could easily have turned on him and accused him of any number of things. I told him to NEVER ever be in a situation with a young lady where he was alone as that there were certainly girls who might lie about the situation. Who is going to take the boys side if a girl decides to accuse him of something? Girls also mature a lot faster than boys so boys are often just deer in the headlights at this age.

The bottom line is these are KIDS. They need supervision, constantly. They never need to be alone one on one! They don't need to be encouraged in the "boyfriend/girlfriend game". What is wrong with being friends? The media encourages these young teenagers and parents don't do enough to discourage or offer alternatives.

I've read that hormone surges happen 5-6 times a day in kids this age. They are powder kegs ready to be lit. Don't hand them the matches!

1 mom found this helpful

My dd is a month shy of 15 and while she was interested in boys at 13, she didn't have a "steady" boyfriend until last year. Communication is key at this age, and forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, so by drawing a firm line in the sand you will only be challenging her to try to push the line.

Our system has been group outings. The exception came this summer when ironically my dd and her (extremely trustworthy) bf didn't enjoy group dates because all the other couples were making out and they weren't! When her friends hang out here, they are downstairs with adults. I confirm with other parents that there will be supervision before I allow her to go to other homes. I know all the parents and kids she hangs out with, trust me, knowledge is power with this age group.

I guess we don't feel like using an over restrictive discipline technique unless our child proves she needs those stricter restraints. She has confided with me about some behaviors her friends are practicing that she feels is bad for them, and she isn't perfect herself, that's why we don't allow her upstairs with boys ;)

At 13, kids are all over the map maturity wise, there are some who are way over the top with the dating scene and some that seem years away from holding hands. Keep the communication open with your daughter and set guidelines that apply specifically to HER and avoid the rigid age limits. And good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

Well you know your daughter more than anyone and if you trust her i think it would be ok but do watch out and stick to your rules. My daughter had a boyfriend at 13 and i thought i could trust her. I have talked to her about sex and everything til i was blue in the face. I started noticing she was talking really late at nite with him and even snuck out once! So you do have to be careful because sometimes when you think your kids "would never do that" and they do. I think you should get to know this boy and that way if you decide its ok you can keep a closer eye on them. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

I did not read all responses, but I have to agree with the general consensus of what I did read... 13 is TOO YOUNG. That said, I have a 14 year old son in 8th grade who has a "special girl friend". They are great friends, have classes together and a general respect for each other. They do meet at school events (like football games) where there is a group of kids. However, he is not allowed to "date" - so he can call her whatever he wants, but they are not "dating'. I am fine with him having a friend of the opposite sex that he is comfortable with, but we completely downplay the relationship in this household. It is very casual. And he has absolutely never been to the theater alone with a girl or even in a group, unsupervised. Call me strict, but I say it's asking for trouble. I've heard many stories and choose not to go there at this point. You can't stop your kids from choosing friends or having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". However, as a parent, you can establish good boundaries and expectations of behavior. We try our best to keep open lines of communication and so far our son has not fought us on anything. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I definitely agree with many of the moms here, 13 is too young. I too made the mistake of letting my daughter have a boyfriend at this age and put way too much trust in the both of them and guess what, my daughter had a baby at 14. Not to say this will happen to your daughter, but believe me, I NEVER thought it would happen to mine either. If you decide not to let her have a boyfriend at this time, and she doesn't understand your reasons, she is more than welcome to write with my daughter who is 17 now with a 2 and a half year old. Though my daughter loves her daughter more than anything, she wishes that she would have waited. Good luck with your decision :).

Um...not to be the bearer of bad tidings but you can't really KEEP her from having a BF. Are you going to follow her to school and then read all her text messages?

Tat's not to say that you can't lay down some boundaries to your daughter, but where can they go? What can they do?

I think to us adults, having a BF is going on a date, kissing or what ever. To them is someone who walks with them...maybe holds hands. And one who will be gone in a week and that's being conservative.

I think now is a great time to teach some self esteem. Knowing who she is and that she really doesn't NEED a BF to be a better HER.

I never told my daughter she couldn't have one, but after one or two boys decided to break her heart...she was done til at least 15 or 16.

Good luck to you. Bottom line is we don't live in your house. We can only support you in what ever decision you make.

Have a great day!

i would not let my dd have a boyfriend at that age. while their maturity level is the same as it used to (as far as only have a boyfriend for a few weeks and then breaking up) their sexual maturity is very different than back in the day. the things that 13 year olds may do in those two weeks are things that 16 year olds used to do. if you decide to let her have a boyfriend i would read her texts, not let them be alone together ect. she is not old enough to have that kind of privacy.

No. Period. My kids are not allowed to date until 16 and even then only group dating. They certainly may have friendships, but no dating. I understand that kids will make their own decisions. If they decide to do something different, then we'll deal with that. My job is to set the expectations and the standards.

Even if you tell her she's too young to have a boyfriend she will have one anyways. I know I did. If you say it's ok she will be less apt to try and hide it and other things from you. Group outings to the movies should be fine as long as you trust the kids she's with.
Good luck and God bless.

I reared 4 girls and 1 boy. Thirteen is TOO YOUNG! Kids today know way too much about sex and are all too ready to experience it. It can happen right in your house, in the next room from you and you wouldn't know it! Keep your daughter involved in church activities, sports--if she's interested, but keep talking to her. I made the mistake of NOT restricting the questionable friends. My 4th was 16 when she broke the rule of having friends over while we were out of the house. The result was she was raped. It was horrible. Don't take any chances with your precious child.

I read some of your responses. Several moms said "let her have a boyfriend because if you don't they will sneak around and do it anyway". That may be true but that isn't ok either. I say no, she is too young and here's why: I have two daughters, one is 20 and one is 16. I made this mistake with my 20 year old. I thought it was harmless. But the earlier you let them do the boyfriend thing the earlier they move on to the next step. When she was 13 my daughter had a boyfriend - it was harmless, there was talking on the phone, going to the movies with a group of friends etc. Then they break up and someone gets hurt. 13, 14, 15 is too young for heartbreak. By the time they are 15, 16 they have moved on to being pressured to have sex and they are bored with holding hands and kissing. Just because they go out in groups does not mean they cant do things they shouldn't. My oldest moved way too fast with boys. She is 20 and has a 2 year old and a 7 week old baby. There were other issues such as her dad walking out of her life at a young age, so I'm not saying this happens with all girls. And I was a very involved parent and knew all of her friends. I just wish that I would have not thought it was "cute" because it is serious. So with my younger daughter I said no boyfriends until 16. She has had guy friends but not a boyfriend. She was not thrilled with my decision but she understood it and has respected it. HTH.

No, I would not. I have boys and have told them from the time they were young... that relationships should be as friends only... girlfriend/boyfriend is not a good relationship with young kids to be in. I think all kids should wait until out of high school, until they are emotionally ready for the complexities of a relationship.

I would recommend a book by Josh Harris called "I kissed dating goodbye" written when he was a teenager.. and chose not to date. Very good book.

13 is way too young. The 2 weeks of I like you then to "break up" is very damaging to a young person's esteem and self-confidence. Especially if this happens alot, as it tends to do at this age... which can lead to eating disorders and distructive behaviors. Perhaps even early sexual relationships to "keep the boyfriend".

Protect your daughter...

My take on this is that you can not really keep a kid from having a boyfriend/girlfriend at any age. You can keep them from going places with them, but there is no way to keep them from liking each other. I think that forbidding it just sets up a situation where they will become secretive and realize that you cannot control them. Don't try to control things you can not control and keep the lines of communication open. I would rather that my child would feel that they could talk to me about boy/girl stuff, rather than keep it from me.

As far as the movie thing, you have to decide based on your daughter and her friends. I have allowed my son to do lots of activities in mixed groups. It is almost always an uneven group of boys and girls, not paired up. For the most part I think this has been a good thing, because he is learning how to get along with the opposite sex in a non-dating relationship. He has a mostly good group of friends that are good students and pretty well behaved. Unfortunately, about a year ago, I did learn of an incident with one of his friends that happened in a movie theater. Without going into details, it was inappropriate sexual behavior. This really upset me, but gave me the opportunity to talk openly about it with him. He was not there at the time, but it was a girl that he hung out with. She was with an older boy. SO, I would be careful to know the kids she is with and definitely say no to being around older boys!

Tough situation. When i was this age there were no boyfriends in the picture. My M. never talked about boyfriends, I had no friends with boyfriends so the thought never crossed my head. I did have crushes on boys, but that is all there was. When I was 15 then I started to want to go out on dates, my M. would allow it only if it was a group date. I know things have a changed a bit. If I were in your shoes, I would not make the boyfriend thing a big deal at all b/c she is only going to want one more. Don't ask her about the boyfriend or have other people ask if she has a boyfriend, etc. Obviously, this will not prevent her from having one; however, it put it lower on the priority list. If she does end up having one, set rules. I would not let my daughter hang out alone with a boy at this age. I would restrict it to phone conversations only and supervised visits until she gets older. I wouldn't even call them "dates". I was in Big Brothers and Big Sisters and my little sis started dating boys at 13 and it became a priority for her - that is all she ever talked about. She grew up pretty fast. But in all fairness, it was a huge deal to her single mother as well. Good luck!

I read one of the responses about getting bored with kissing and holding hands. That was some good advice. I remember a boy trying to hold my hand on my leg in the movie theatre once at 15 and being so scared. I thought that was way to far and never responded. If that would have happened at 13, who knows where I would have been by 15.

No boyfriend/girlfriends allowed in our house until High School and even then, it's only group settings and limited contact until at least 16 y/o. We also do not allow dating anyone more than a year older or younger. We've made this very clear with our kids and have explained the reasons why.

My sons (17y/o) first group movie with girls was when he was 14 y/o and I actually went with them, but saw a different movie. Now that he's 17 and can drive, he can obviously go on dates and group movies :-).

i dont agree with most of the other mommas.........no way should a 13 yr old have a boyfriend or a girlfriend...why? they cant drive, they dont have money, & mostly they dont have common sense.....peer pressure is too strong nowadays......if you are going to let her date then have them only come to your home & they can play games, sit on the computer, watch movies in the family room etc.......BTW i have a 19yr old & she had a boyfriend at 16 but they were always here, one time they went to the movies but they didnt know i was there too...i was happy to see that they told me the truth & there wasnt any "extra-curricular" activites going on in the car....good luck with your decision

Hello,
No I would not let her have a boyfriend, she is too young she doesn't need a boyfriend. Now days kids do things because they are bored, so if they get bored they may try going to the next step. True you can't follow her around school but you can limit her contact with this boy.

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