C.P. asks from Hagerstown, MD on April 22, 2010
13 Month Old Not Communicating His Needs and Is Not Affectionate
I have a darling little 13 month old son that is meeting all of his deveopmental milestones and then some but is not pointing, communicating with us, and does not like affection from both of us. We are "attachment" parenting and have always anticipated his wants and needs. I feel like I am always trying to guess if he is hungry or not, or he doesn't cry or tell me when his diaper is wet or soiled. Also I have read many artlicles about babies at this age giving hugs and kisses and being very loving and he is just the opposite. He seems to hate kisses, especially from daddy and does not like hugs. I am trying to teach him to be affectionate to his teddies and such but it doesn't seem to work he just wants to try to pull their eyes off and bite them. Is this just normal boy behavior or do you think I should be worried.
I have brought this up with his pediatrician BTW and he really did not seem to be worried about it yet. He just said it will come in time. He did however seem to be concerned about him not pointing but he just blamed it on us letting our son "be in control" and scolded us about how AP leads to dependency blah blah blah.
One other thing he does that I have always thought is different is scratching himself constantly to the point that he bleeds and just keeps going, mostly when he has access to naked parts of his body. It always seems to be when he is in an uncomfortable situation or doing something he does not like to do. When he is being held in one spot while I am talking to his dad, or if I am not paying constant attention to him, and when he wants out of the bath or his high chair.
I appreciate all your responses. I know I am probably over reacting but it would be good to know what you think.
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More Answers
P.M. answers from Portland on April 22, 2010
Possibly:
(1) He needs more emotional or physical space;
(2) He may have sensory integration issues, which might or might not be connected to other problems, such as being on the autism spectrum;
(3) He doesn't need to point or communicate needs if you're right there trying to anticipate everything.
These are only guesses, based on what you wrote. But if you are concerned, I'd find a doctor with fewer opinions about your chosen parenting style who will listen to you. Good luck!
4 moms found this helpful
S.H. answers from Honolulu on April 22, 2010
Maybe I"m wrong here, but well his scratching himself like that... it is OFTEN or can be a sign of stress or frustration.... or a way for the child to "cope" with something they are not happy about or cannot handle. This is how kids express stress or frustration, or being irked.
So go by this cue he is giving you... and give him space.
No, AP parenting does not lead to dependency. But the child also needs to have their own space and allowed to do things on their own too...
I am AP... but I also greatly nurture my kids own personalities, versus mine and I teach them to know themselves. They are really great self-reliant kids and can communicate feelings well, for their ages.
My son, who is 3.5... will even tell me "I'm grumpy... I want to be alone..." then I respect that. That is how HE is. Then after he is fine, he comes to me and gives me a hug. He knows himself. He simply needs space... when he is grumpy... instead of me interfering in "his" own way to unwind. Many adults are like that too. I go by my kids cues and personalities. While still being very AP with them and loving that way. I am not an AP purist.
Maybe, instead of anticipating your child's every need... just let him be.. give him space... let him know verbally you are there for him... but just try let him hang out and "be." I am not saying you are wrong or your AP parenting is wrong, because I do that too... but, you said you "anticipate his wants & needs...." but that also hinders a child's development as well. Because... THEY need to experience themselves and learn how to feel and communicate. But NO, it does not create dependent kids. Again, I do not agree with your Ped's statement of that. It is NOT about making the kid "in control". Your Ped does not understand.
I think.. your son has full capacity for affection etc., but maybe he gets so much of it that he may feel overwhelmed. Kids/babies get "irked" too... ya know.
But, his aggressiveness with is teddies etc. may be just boy stuff and or not. Or just frustration...
And at this age, a baby will not "tell" you their diaper is wet or soiled.
Just some ideas and thoughts.
All the best,
Susan
3 moms found this helpful
J.R. answers from Washington DC on April 23, 2010
Hi C.,
My son NEVER cared about a wet or dirty diaper. He would leave his poop in his pants until he got diaper rash to the point of infection. The only thing he ever cried about was loud noises or if he wanted to be held or if he was hungry. It wasn't until I divorced his dad (my son was 8) and they HAD to get along before they had any kind of relationship including hugs.
My son also never bonded with his teddy bears like I hoped he would. I was his "lovey". I would give him my dirty shirts as a lovey item. He used that until he was well into his second year, maybe close to 3. At 13, he still settles on my bed more easily than his own. I think it's a subconscious smell thing for him.
I'm actually a little concerned that your son might have sensory integration issues. I think your son IS trying to communicate, it just isn't what you are wanting or expecting. If you have an option to bring him to a behavioral pediatrician I would give that a try. My son's pediatrician for his first 4 years was a behavioral ped. I know he would have an idea of what to look for and be able to tell you if you should be concerned. His name is Dr. Ray Sturner. He and his wife, Barbara Howard, work together and are regionally (perhaps nationally) known. They work out of Johns Hopkins. If you give them a call, let them know that J. R. (son Luke R.) referred you. I don't know that it will get you anything special, but they still remember us.
I think your instinct to be concerned is good. I wish you the best of luck.
J. R.
3 moms found this helpful
T.S. answers from Sacramento on April 22, 2010
Hi C.,
This is totally just my opinion and not based on anything other than mom instinct, but I would definitely go back to the pediatrician with this (or get a new pediatrician).
Have you already told the doctor about the scratching? When you say he's not affectionate, is it just that he doesn't kiss and hug or that he doesn't show ANY love toward you? Is pointing the only communication thing he's not doing? Does he talk? Sign? Wave hello and goodbye? Clap?
If it's JUST pointing and kissing that he's not into, then maybe it's just a personal thing (and if you always anticipate his needs he may not really HAVE to point to stuff because you probably notice when he looks at it or whatever... and kisses ARE actually kind of weird if you think about it). However, if he's really missing those whole categories of developement, I'd be concerned.
Especially with the AP which should encourage that kind of bond and communication, I'd be concerned if it were my son, but that doesn't mean anything except that I (like you) would be concerned.
2 moms found this helpful
E.M. answers from Denver on April 22, 2010
I don't think you are over-reacting. I think your pediatrician is under-reacting. You should have him evaluated by a Developmental Specialist as soon as you can. These are some very early warning signs of ASD. Don't panic. It may be nothing but your instincts are telling you something and you need to follow through and listen to them. I would start by googling "ASD early signs infants toddlers" or something and see if any other things start ringing any bells. One thing I have learned about being a parent and dealing with doctors--they don't live with your children and don't interact with them the way you do--you know better what is going on and can educate yourself. If what your doc is saying and what you are learning aren't adding up, get a new doc. Good luck!
2 moms found this helpful
J.S. answers from Washington DC on April 23, 2010
Mom knows best and if you are concerned about any of his behavior's I would get them checked out by another Dr. I can not imagine why your ped. would criticize your parenting techniques when you are not doing anything to harm your child. That is reason enough alone to find another Dr in my book.
I think it is fairly common for children to hit some of their milestones and be a bit behind on others and would not worry just for that reason. The lack of affection may just be him or it may be a sign of some sort of problem that would be good to figure out. The scratching is a warning sign to me - I am assuming there are no signs of ezcema or anything that would cause him to itch. I would try to find another Dr who would listen and follow up on your concerns, even if just to show you that there is nothing to be concerned about. If something feels a bit amiss to you - follow your instincts and if it turns out you were wrong then you can relax but if you are right then you know you are doing everything you can for your little boy.
2 moms found this helpful
K.B. answers from Houston on April 23, 2010
Definitely take your son to another doctor. It is possible that these things will pass and everything will be fine, but any doctor should have seen these things as potential red flags and looked into it further. Wait and see is NEVER the right attitude for a doctor to have when your discussing developmental issues in the first couple of years. That time is so important to get kids help when there is a problem. Find a developmental pediatrician and have your child evaluated soon.
Good luck,
K.
2 moms found this helpful
R.M. answers from Nashville on April 22, 2010
I agree with the other moms that you should have him looked at by a new doctor. While many doctors may feel it is too soon to be concerned yet and say to wait a while for an evaluation, the scolding about parenting styles isn't helpful. The scratching thing definitely sounds like a sensory issue. Is the pediatrician aware of this and does he truly understand the extent of it? I can't imagine my doctor blowing that off.
I remember one of your other posts where you were concerned about leaving him while you deliver baby number 2. The extent of his dislike for being with others is another red flag to me. (Although from the first post I thought you were just allowing him to be the boss, but now I don't think so.) Between the two posts it definitely sounds like an evaluation is in order, as soon as a doctor will do it. I wouldn't be so concerned about not communicating his needs, mine didn't cry about dirty diapers either. But everything taken as a whole souds like it needs a second look. Do some research and go in to the doctor prepared with all of your concerns. Write them down ahead of time so that you don't forget anything. Good luck!
2 moms found this helpful
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