12 Yr Old Dilemma

My daughter is 16 now. When she was about 12 or 13, she stole money from her stepdad and mom (I am the stepmom -- my husband raised her from infancy). She then came home and stole $100 from my purse. She totaled about $300 in stolen cash at this point. She spent it all at the mall (we lived within walking distance of one at the time). The only way I'd found out (other than having missed the $100 from my purse) was by all the new stuff she suddenly had. I went into her room and found the shopping bags and receipts, and then I made her return to the mall with me and return everything. I also made her tell each clerk why the items were being returned. Since she had spent half the money by giving it to a friend of hers, I called her friend's mother and let her know what had happened. While I did not require her friend to return anything (it wasn't her fault after all - my daughter had lied to her friend, saying it was birthday money), I did make my daughter apologize to her and then do extra chores to pay me back. In short -- I think the embarassment went a long way. She has never stolen anything since.

Time for a girls day out alone. Also, you might take her to juvie hall to see what it is all about. I would not take her away from church activities because Jesus is the one to help you through this all. He is also the one that get you through life. So it is sending a message that Jesus isn't where to turn in time of trouble.

Try talking to her about each person is different and special. She will become awoman and having a period is not always fun. It is a royal pain at times. HaHa Is there anyone in your family that went through the same thing? Use that person as an example.

I have six with four girls.
God help you
C. B

Drive her to polic station in your area and have an officer talk to her about what happens to theives. If you think she is having real issues, think about taking her to a counselor that maybe can get to the bottom of what is bugging her.
My daughter is petite, she will probably be the same as your daughter and already gets self conscious about being one of the smallest in her class. Do things to help her self esteem, a new hair cut, new outfit, a day out just you two getting your nails painted, constantly tell her body image is superficial and what is in her heart is what matters. I don't know if you are religious, but seriously if you are, look up the part in the bible about stealing.
What she is doing could head her into a lot of trouble. Being she is doing great in school is a huge plus as if she was downing in grades and academically I would worry about drugs.
Hold her accountable and don't let up. Tell her she has to earn your trust back and be consistent.
If there is true bullying going on in school, talk to the principal and counselor at school. That should not be tolerated.
All kids can be mean on some level, I would continue to say that most people are critical when they are jealous of something she has they don't too.
Being petitie is great and she will develop when the good Lord wants her too. Teaching her to stand up for herself and not act out will help too. Maybe finding something she is good at and involving her in classes to boost her self confidence, martial arts, art classes, whatever it is to have an outlet.
Good luck. I dread this age! I have a almost seven year old that we had a bumpy road last summer due to a lot of things going on in the family and play therapy allowed me to communicate effectively with her. We still have impulsive behavior issues but she is learning she has control over her life in the manner of being in trouble or being allowed to do the fun things she wants to do.
HUGS

Having nothing to do will push her further. Her thinking you don't trust her. Give her an allowance, if she steals anyone else's money she doesn't get an allowance for 2 weeks.

I have a niece who went through this and its jealousy wants attention. My brother started taking her out 1 day a week for a 1 on 1. There are alot of children in the house and she may feel left out or shes losing something in her life that she feels she needs to do these things. Since my brother has been doing this with my niece she has completely turned herself around. I hope this helps and gl.

I don't have any teenagers (yet) but I do remember being twelve. Has she gotten her period yet? I didn't tell my mother for months because I knew she'd freak out crying and saying "my baby's growing up" and I just didn't want to deal with that drama. So I bought my own pads until she found out (and reacted exactly the way I thought she would). Anyway, maybe it's something like that and she's just too embarrassed (for her or your reaction) to bring it up.

Do you know of anyone else she can talk to? A favorite aunt or an older teenager you trust? I would suggest maybe having someone else talk to her to see if they can't get to root of the problem. I think they should offer to keep what she says to them private (from you, too) unless it's something that they absolutely feel that you need to know. (Say it's just kids at school teasing her and she doesn't want to worry you by talking about it, but she'd feel better if she had someone else to talk to.)

I don't believe kids act out just because they can, or that they don't care, especially when they are behaving well at school. Something is bothering her and she doesn't feel comfortable discussing it with you for whatever reason. I think she's trying to get attention, but is obviously going about it the wrong way.

In this case I think more family involvement is needed, instead of sitting her on the stair she needs to be in a room occupied by either you or your husband, she needs to watch what you watch and help with what you are doing and let her know that it is because at this moment she can’t be trusted to do what you know she is more then capable of understanding to be wrong. She needs to pay back any money she has stolen, even the money she has taken from herself and this can be done by doing extra chores in the house, each job has a set price so when she is asked to do it she knows exactly how much money she is earning back. And make sure her grounding and loss of privileges is long enough that she will remember in the future what happens when she lies, cheats and stills, but not so long that she starts to harbor resentment I’d say about 2 weeks this time and then tack on a week for each infraction after that.

Also is she is having a self esteem issue you may want to consider once she has come off punishment and earned back the money a girls day with just her where you do a small make over, hair, a few outfits ect,..something to make herself proud of who she is no matter how big or small she is. Her impending hormones may be a small cause of her active rebellion and it gets worse before it gets better I am sad to admit .Both my teenage girls where this way and I still have one more girl headed that way in about 8 years, my boys were actually easier to deal with. Good luck I hope it works out!

I believe that there has to be something going on that you are unaware of with your daughter. There has to be some reason she is taking the money and I would seriously look into what another post said about maybe buying maxi pads. I would have the period talk with your daughter and explain everything to her in a very nonparenting way. Make a day of it maybe starting with lunch and followed by a walk in a park or somewhere private. I would explain that she is getting to the age that she isn't going to want to talk to you about embarassing things, but there are times when you are willing to take your parenting hat off and be one of her adult friends. Sure you will still have to be a parent, but more approachable. Be more willing to be understanding and a little less likely to pass judgement. It is a fine line, but she needs to be able to feel secure enough with you to come to you when she is having problems not affraid of you finding out. More of the working through them with you helping not doing it for her. This will build a relationship that fosters understanding and support not avoidance of you. Soon your child will be having boy troubles, even worse friend troubles and then we can't all forget the pressure of drugs and sex. You need to be on her side through these issues and making enemies isn't going to help. I would strongly suggest making the honesty rule. If she is honest her punishment won't be a strick. Anything that is dishonest is a work release program punishment. Sitting on a stoop is just giving her time to think about how mad she is at you. Making her work off her aggression is much more productive. I would also have her earn the money she took from her brother to replace it. Punish for the crime, not the attitude.

Keep in mind, there is nothing you can do to your child right now that is worse than what is going on in her mind. I am not a big one to say that being a friend to my children will ever be top priority or even close, but when the children are having a very difficult time I find that being a friend will brake a bad cycle before punishment. You can be a friend when you need to be and then talk about a fair punishment afterward.

I remember being 12 and I remember not really having a friendship with either of my parents. I would have rather cut my hands and feet off rather than having to talk to them about personal issues. I know this is NOT the way I want my children to be. It is a very rough time in her life. She may respond well to some of your personal stories about what it was like when you were twelve. Remember life does change and it is getting harder for kids every year. Good Luck!!!

Dear SAHM,

I only have boys, 4 of them, but I want to encourage you by telling you that my 14 yr old, and youngest son, went through a very trying time about the same age as your daughter, that sounds so familiar. My husband and I were so concerned for him. We were afraid we were going to lose him to this behavior forever. I prayed earnestly for God's help. I realized that the bullying by peers was much of the problem. He couldn't defend himself against it, so he lashed out at his family. We were the easier targets, and he was confindent that we would still love him after he took out his frustrations on us. But this realization did not solve the problem, just helped us understand it. We saw the greatest change in him when we decided to go through the book of Proverbs with him, verse by verse; Stopping on any verse that we could discuss, and held conversation with him of how we could apply Solomon's God-given wisdom to our own lives. It's true that the Word of God penetrated the heart.

I also advise that, if the problem persists through the rest of the school year, that you consider home schooling or private schooling. Sometimes we, as parents, must examine ourselves as to if we really would sacrifice our own in order to save our children. I home school our son. It truly was a matter of saving him. He was crying out for help and we did what we had to to help him. He is 14 now and has formed a circle of friends that are safe and encouraging to each other. That's not to say that he doesn't ever have friend problems, or that he doesn't challenge his parents occasionally. But an avenue of communication and understanding has opened between us and we are able to calmly deal with the things he goes through as a teen.

Hang in there - pray confidently for her - and know that there is hope

Sincerely,
T. B

My husband and I used to work in youth work full time. Nothing made us more sad than when parents grounded kids from church. I'm sure your youth workers really want to help, but how can they if you remove your daughter from their contact? I know I probably would have been a lot worse as a teen had I not had that in my own life. I attribute a lot of my getting through those years successfully to one couple in the youth group that took a realy interest in me. There may be someone at your daughter's youth group who may be able to get through to her in a way you can't. I'd encourage you to get her more involved there, not less involved. And get to know the youth pastor and workers yourself. They want to help. That's why they're there.