12 Year Olds Independance, How Do I Handel It.

I am going through the same situation and would like some advice too. My sons don't want to play baseball anymore, and just want to hang out with friends and skateboard, and play video games and jump on the trampoline. My daughter who is 12 wants to quit piano which she has been doing for 7 years. She says "you can't make me" and says she is bored. I need to know also what i should do about this and how to respond.

I have an 11 year old son that skateboards and plays the guitar. He's also a straight A student and helps a lot around the house. I've let him make about 90% of his own decisions his whole life, and it has really paid off! He's amazing! He knows I trust him, and he works very hard to keep that trust. I never have to remind him to do homework or do his chores. Just because a kid skates and plays the guitar doesn't mean they will smoke pot or do anything else bad. Boys that age definitely don't want to be seen as or treated like a baby. If you want your son to have a good friend maybe we can get our boys together. You can e-mail me at ____@____.com.

Hi there
I still have a year before one of mine hits that age but @ 10 (almost) he is already showing signs of Mr. I can can make my own choices and I will say not to pat myself on the back he has done a good job on his choices.. although we don't see skateboarding as a sport it actually is and can lead into a great paying job and a great self esteem builder try snowboarding in the winter and let him skate in the summer they have to use alot of muscles and it requires alot of self control with some of the tricks they do..it may not be the answer you are looking for but have faith in your parenting skills and you might be surprised at the outcome ....LOL it is easier said than done right ...I have trouble taking my own advice but have found that with my 8 yr old Girl that this is true and it is a hard thing to do but if you are a love and logic parent then all you can do is guide and watch and hope and pray that what you say sticks ...As my great Grandma use to say Actions at this age are not as harsh as words..I am still trying to figure that one out on more than one level ...lol this is not an easy age but how you deal will help when they get into High School .... Hope this helps
it sounds crazy but I have done research on both Skateboarding and Snowboarding ..My youngest wants to do both and I would much rather her be into something more girly but what can you do..
D.

I have an 11 year old daughter who will be going to middle school next year as well. She too wants to quit swimming, etc. We aren't letting her, but it is hard to stand our ground. I appreciate your position with your son and can understand how you are feeling. I am worried that my daughter will start "hanging out" with the wrong crowd. The saying, "Idle hands are the devils playground" plays over and over in my head. I was active in sports at their age and my parents kept me in it and encouraged me to not quit my church activities as well. I've become my parents lately in that regard. I know what kind of trouble I would have found and fear that for my daughter. We have told her (as well as her older sisters) that they WILL be in some sport or they will lose many of the privledges we have provided them. The oldest stayed in swimming and also did softball. She had her rebellious moments, but over all is grateful today for our strong consistency. She is in her second year of college and is an assistant coach to her high school swim team. Our next daughter is really fighting the idea of sports mostly because she doesn't like being dirty or having to put much effort into it. However, she will continue to swim/dive on the high school team or she loses her car. It is tough to keep on them and not a fun position, but overall I am hoping and praying they will all feel good about themselves and decisions they've made. We have raised our daughters to be "free thinkers" and it has been hard to watch them suffer the consequences of their decisions. I feel that although they make many of their own choices, my husband and I will continue to make the choice of them staying in sports. I hope this helps you and please know you aren't alone, there are many of us who worry. I hope many of our worries turn out to be happy thoughts instead. L.

Hi J.,

I was very similar to your son when I was his age. I gave up sports and became a "skate betty". I withdrew from my family and I did begin to hang out with the wrong crowd.

During my adolescence my mother faced many medical/health problems and was "absent" from my life. What I was truly wanting deep down inside was structure. I wanted my mom to tell me to be home for dinner and what time my curfew was. But she didn't so I stayed out late with my friends and learned the hard way.

I think it's important you allow your son to ride his skateboard, but also keep him engaged in a team sport. Team sports make him responsible and accountable to others. His team needs him and he is obligated to be there for the team. And yes, twelve year olds want to start making their own decisons, but the truth is - they are still children and you need to be the parent. I don't believe he is old enough to make those types of decisions on his own and as his parent you know what is best for him. You know your son. Keep him engaged - be involved - don't let him pull away because he will need you more now as he grows through adolescence than you can ever imagine.

I know I needed my mom and because she allowed me to make my own decisions, I failed. Luckily she refocused her energy on me and it took her a year to straighten me out. I have forever been grateful she caught me when I fell and I am now 36 with my own two children (one to be 12 on the 30th of this month).

You're a good mom and remember, it is in our nature to protect our children. Keep doing so and he will thank you later.

Hi J.,
Just thought I'd give my own experience. My son, who is 19 now and a freshmen in College, is a huge skateboarder and snowboarder. When he was 11 he decided to give up baseball and soccer for the boards. I was a bit nervous about it until he told me he was going to start the first "Christian skateboarding" club. I knew I wasn't going to stop him so I encouraged a positive and safe atmosphere to thrive in. He's had his ups and downs in the sport (literally), but is grateful for the board on wheels to get him across campus in a timely manner :)
There are always "wrong kids" in every sport, but the child was raised by you and now he needs you to understand him and his decisions-let him soar! There's always consequences to behaviors, but that's true in all parts of our lives.
Good luck and Peace,
T.

Hey J.,
I have to tell you that I am in the same exact boat as you are now. Only my son just turned 11 and starts jr. high this summer. You didn't say if your son was your only child or not. Mine is my only child and I think that just exaserbates the problem for me - I really don't want to let go of him. As hard as it is, your son will have to learn his own life lessons, all you can do is try to do as much "guiding" as possible without overstepping your boundaries. If he is interested in skateboarding, let him skateboard - it is a sport. Just be sure you have talked with him about the dangers of drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol. If you feel better, take him to your local hospital and have them speak to him about certain dangers and what happens. I don't know. I have just pretty much pounded it into my son's head the pitfalls and dangers of hanging out with the wrong crowd. Does your son have a goal in life? Does he know what he wants to be when he grows up? If so, focus on that and what he needs to do in his life to make it happen. My son does Karate as his sport - it teaches him self respect, discipline, and respect for others. Maybe you can join with your son and you'll have something to bind you. But most of all, give your son the benefit of the doubt. If you've raised him well, he'll be remembering what you taught him. Good Luck.

Personally, I find forcing a child to play sports to be ridiculous and overbearing. Maybe they do not feel themselves to be "jocks," even if they are in good physical shape. I agree with those who say encourage him to take up snowboarding if possible. Also, getting him to volunteer his time is a wonderful way to show him how he can help his community. Our local Habitat for Humanity store is always happy to accept volunteers, and maybe in the summer, he could work on helping to build houses for the poor. He'd learn skills and valuable life lessons, as well as keeping him out of trouble and tiring him out.

Hi J.,

The following takes a few minutes to download but it is so worth your time to listen to it. You can go about other internet business while it is downloading. It is about kids in control. It was what our Pastor was speaking on this last Sunday. Please let me know what you think. It was awesome!

http://www.sechristian.org/Resources/SermonsOnlineAudioVi...

From one mom to another, I believe that a child under the age of 18 needs to depend on the parents to structure their lives. It is not good for a 12 year old to make his own decisions. It is also important that the parents remain as overseers over their kids. Many families make the mistake of letting their kids be CEO's.

Have a blessed day!

C.

Hi J.,
I have a son that is going on 15. He, like yours, began wanting his independence about a year ago. (A bit behind other pre-teens but I was OK by it.) I think I understand some of what you are feeling. With my son I encouraged his independence while still being involved. As soon as I was not encouraging him he would push even harder against my wishes. Stay involved enough to know who he is spending time with and what they are doing. As for sports, you are the one who wants the structured interaction and if he doesn't feel the same way over time it will become a battle that he will most likely win. You can't make your kids do anything but you sure have a strong influence in guiding them to what you know is best.
Good luck, and remember he is still that boy you raised, you just want see him for a few years.

J., I would try to encourage him to skate. Take him to places where he can compete, treat it like a practice time and he has to set up his routines. Go watch him just like you did for the baseball, basketball ect. I bet you went to his practices and games. I am not sure where, but I am sure you could find something like the X-Games for kids. Remember, some of these guys make big money being professional skaters, so I would encourage him. Make him get on the computer and read about what is around here, about what the pros do to practice. I bet there is even advise from the pros to kids about not doing drugs ect.. Good Luck

Ooof. 12 is such a hard age. My kids are little, so I don't have personal experience. Personally, I don't really think your son now wanting to play organized sports is that big of a deal. It's not a battle I would choose with my kids, personally. Maybe you could require that he volunteer a couple of hours a week for the summer? It would be so great if he could be a "big brother" to a little boy who was also into skateboarding. Let him choose to volunteer his time at an organization of his choice and then you get the best of both worlds - he gets some freedom, you'll know he's doing something productive.

I'm sure you'll get great feedback from people who have been there, done that, but I hope this helps a little! Good luck!

I feel I can respond to your situation only because I have been exactly where you are right now. I have 14 year old soon and he is starting High School next year. Our son decided to drop baseball in 5th grade which to my husbands loss we let him do this. He still played LaCross (at the time), Football, drums (at the time)and showed interest in skateboarding...ug.
The skatboarding thing was more about image for my son. So we just starting to encourage him to be a snow-boarder instead. He still snowboards in the winter but was really not that good of a skateboarder.. Luckily the xbox broke and I never replaced it. (good advice) Now he just plays his friends video games and that has passed as well.

Now 3 years later he still does not play baseball, loves football, playing the electric guitar. I have learned that my son never even like baseball to begin with and only played it for his dad. He is a free thinker and enjoys trying on new hats. I'm glad we did make/encourage him to stay in a sport at all times. But to be honest your son sounds like he is just wanting what my son wanted: the right to express himself, some freedom and a little control... it's so hard.

Now his new thing is growing his hair out. It's such a mess but I have decided this is his new control to prepare for next years big year....HIGH SCHOOL. I also had to let him have some control in his room. It's a mess that he cleans once a week. Not my choice but I would rather him have control in the area than something much more drastic... good luck!