12 Year Old Wants to Date

Diane, first let me tell you I undertand your predicament as I, too, help raise one of my Granddaughters. We have a "unique calling." Before getting into your question may I suggest you read what has become my favorite book, "Boundaries with Kids" by Drs. Townsend and Cloud. It will change the way you think and provide insight to help you in MANY siutations.

Regarding the dating situation, I strongly urge you to tell her it's too early. These young years are tender ones. Rather than finding self esteem in what boys think of her, help her grow as a young woman, learn who she is, learn how to have girl and boy friendships. Dating at 12 or 13 only puts her in situations she isn't prepared to deal with. It's time for going to parties and outings with friends. Time for enriching herself and learning about the world not settling down. She has a lifetime to do that! Please consider waiting. Teach her about boys, dating, what she wants to be when she grows up. This is a time for personal molding and helping her grow up to be a smart young woman. Discover her interests and help her find her niche in those things rather than expecting a relationship to fulfill her.

There is PLENTY of time for dating, help her find herself now and enjoy the time you have with her. She'll be gone so quickly... L.

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I'm not letting my daughter date until she's 30, 25 if she's really good.

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The age DEFINITELY is not 12 years old ! ! ! ! ! I've raised two girls. Now ages 22 and 18. At 12, she is beginning to feel as though she wants to do a lot of things, but in reality, she is NOT ready for it. This is the typical pre-teen state. You are going to have to stand strong on this. Start by allowing her to talk on the phone a couple of times a week to a boy (with a time limit for the length she can talk as well as her cut off time at night). You may want to consider allowing a young boy to come to your home and visit with her (adults at home of course) for a couple of hours when she starts 9th grade. When she's in the 10th grade, then consider letting her go to the movies (not alone in a car with a boy) in a group setting. By the time she's in the 11th grade (16 years old) you may consider allowing her to car date with limits.

This may be old fashioned today, but in my experience (my mom and dad raised 5 girls....1 son), it works. We had no baby mama drama, drug issues, running wild, etc. My husband and used similar parenting skills along with more open communication with our girls and it has worked out BEAUTIFULLY ! !

Trust me, she's saying she wants to date. Next week, she'll want to drive even though she does not have a permit. You've got to be the parent and set limits and discuss with her when things are age appropriate. Talk with your grandchild....don't just allow her to say she's ready to do something at this very young and confusing age and you give in to it. SHE IS WAY TO YOUNG ! ! ! ! ! !

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no no and no.
she is too young.
way too young to face the pressure....
send her out in big groups!

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Hi, Im not sure what your beliefs are. But there is a really awesome book written for young adults by Joshua Harris called I kissed Dating Goodbye. its not what it sounds like. Its a christian book written by a young man b4 he met his wife about how guys think really, what girls think and about the whole dating issues and why he decided to not get sucked into mainstream dating that our society makes our little kids think they need. I say check it out and read it if you like it pass it to your grand child boys and girls. If thats not for you, you need to have a serious talk with her about whatguys are really after and yes 13 yr old boys are not looking for love and all the stuff that little girls are looking for she needs to be aware of that. Youd be really suprised what goes on in Jr high, its not usually the innocent dating that we used to think of. Im not saying your grandchild would be permiscuous but the pressure is deff there and I think 12 is just too young, why can't we let our kids be kids anymore she has the rest of her life to worry about men right now she should focus on school and some good girlfriends and things like sports or art and music.

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I personally think 12 is way too young to date! If there were organized chaparoned activities, I might allow her to attend those functions, but dating this early is way to much. If she were my girl, I would definately try to find another direction to pour her energies like perhaps gymnastics, cheerleading, or any other activity which would take up alot of her free time. She will have the rest of her life to date but will never be able to get her childhood back. Good luck! The pressure is immense for young girls to grow up too quickly. Belle

Well, that is the age girls notice boys. I notice most of the time going out to the movies, skating, etc girls usually go in groups same for the boys but sometimes there's a few boys that go with a group of girls. I think that 12 alone with a boy is a bit too young. I know there's some great books out there that you and her can read about dating that's something for her to look forward to doing in the near future. I don't have girls and am not facing this situation yet however my sister has faced this and she lets girls go in groups only and she didn't allow dating alone until age 16. even then she always suggested double dating so not to be alone. Back in our day thats what our parents allowed also it still seems to be that way with many parents today.My best wishes to you in this new adventure.

I think 12 is too young for pretty much anything. Dating? 15-16 at minimum. Group activities? 13-14, during the day. 12 year olds should not be left unsupervised at the mall.

As others have noted, make sure you understand what her definition of "dating" is before you make a decision. When I was 12, dating was holding hands in the hallway, sitting by each other at lunch, and long talks on the telephone. There were no actual DATES.

15 and 16 are good ages for GROUP dates. Make sure you know who she is with and where they are going. You can even ensure her safety and well being by starting a group date activity club with the parents of her friends. Plan a calandar of events and have the parents sign up on a chaparone schedule.

If the parents would get more involved in group activities for boys and girls of this age..... there would be less, much less of the bad things that can happen.

I would not let her actually start "dating" until she was a junior in high school. And then I would have to meet the parents.

They ALL want to at 12 or 13, but it is not appropriate for them to do so. If they go to a group setting where boys are present and it is well chaperoned, such as a dance or a birthday party or such, that is okay, but even that should be well supervised. No one-on-one dates, though, until at least age 16. I know that sounds old-fashioned, but so be it. You will not regret making her wait, but you could regret NOT making her wait.

My opinion too young to "date", but there is nothing wrong with you allowing her to have a guy friend come over or go with the two of you places - to the mall, movies, to eat. I have a 16 year old and this is how we have handled it up until this point. Well supervised outings will give her the sense of a date, but with limitations. It will also give you opportunity to guide her in the do's and don'ts of dating. This is hard for the parent when they are 15 - 16, at least this will give you opportunity to get an idea of how she will respond to dating situations, and will give you an idea when or if she is ready for dating on her own. Also opportunity to share. On the way home from these type outings is where we have most of our heart to hearts even now. She hasn't went on a one on one date as of yet other than to Wednesday night church. It is coming soon though - she just turned 16 in August. My rule is she isn't going any where with anyone I haven't at least met once.

I'm the mother of 4, youngest 16. Husband leaves most parental decisions to me. Not a perfect mother - still learning - even with the 4th child. Parenting is very hard - kudos to you as the grandparent raising the granddaughter.

Maybe start double dating at 16 and dating alone at 17. Any younger and you are asking for trouble.

I know you'll get a half million replies on this that 12 is too young! :o) 13 and 14 are too young in my opinion too. When I think about dating these days, it just isn't what I want my children to do until they are much older. I remember going on my first "date" when I was 16. I went with my sister and her date to a movie (Nightmare on Elm Street I think it was-- the FIRST one!!) There is such a hurry these days to grow up fast; and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. Let's let our kids be kids and when they get their driver's license, think about letting them date! What's wrong with that? There are SO many changes that their young bodies go thru at the tender ages of 12 and 13. How about take her and another girl friend out to a movie or dinner and sit at another table or a few rows behind them at the movies? This way, she'll feel like she is getting that freedom that she *thinks* she wants; but boys- dating-- 12 and 13-- I just don't think it's the right time.

C.
mom to 3 kiddos

God has to have a special place for grandmothers who raise their grandkids.

The first question is... define date. Maybe I am old school, but I don't think an unsupervised "date" should occur before driving age. That is just me. Does she have someone in mind? Can a date be him coming over to watch tv? having pizza at your house? Partys? will both parents be there? What are their philosophies. (have heard of some serving beer to be cool to their children).. going to a church function together?

No pat answers but hopefully some good questions.

K.

I would wait until 15 or 16.12 and 13 is to young

My advice is that "she is not yet old enough to make her
own decisions" and therefore must focus on becoming a GOOD
student w/GOOD GRADES; show that she can be responsible by
assisting in housework, cooking and keeping her room tidy.
When she shows herself to be responsible, she can begin earing
her spending money by babysitting. This would be a wonderful
experience in becoming mature and trustworthy. 12-yrs old is
abslutely too young to date.
Grandmother Conley

I think going out in mixed gender groups at this age is fine -to movies, the mall, bowling, whatever as long as it's appropriate activity. I would NOT let her go out with a boy on their own or a boy older than 13 -14 TOPS! No driving dates!

What is "date"? To go out somewhere socially with someone other than your parent/guardian? To go somewhere with someone who is of the opposite gender? To like a boy or girl? To call someone your boyfriend/girlfriend? I think I had my first crush in the 4th grade -- on Matthew Logan. (sigh...) what is that -- 10 years old?

I think 12 is too young to "date" one-on-one but not too young to go on group dates or chaperoned dates.

To be too strict is to create a sneak, unfortunately. Just be very clear about what is expected and what is acceptable -- both to your daughter AND to her beaus -- ESPECIALLY TO HER BEAUS. (I'm not there yet, but a friend gave my husband that advice for when our daughter reaches dating age: to take the boy aside. Rather than instilling fear, telling him, "My daughter means the world to me. I am trusting you to keep my little girl safe and bring her back on time." -- Turn the boy into an ally.)

At 12, they're just practicing for what they're going to be like when they're older. The good part is that, at 12, they're still moldable. You can watch them. If you don't like what you see, say, "Hmmm... I noticed something. I'd like to talk to you about it." and approached well, you could stave off some really terrible hurts that could have come later. This could be a wonderful opportunity, really.

Hi Dianne R...I say maybe allow a GROUP DATE (3 girls/3guys) with 1 or 2 Chaperones to the movies or out to dinner and the Chaperones sit else where to not embarras them.

If you've laid a good foundation of right from wrong and she's trustworthy then go for the GROUP DATE.

I am 25 soon to be 26 and was raised by my very old school grandparents and I can attest to the fact that if the proper foundation has been set and you have an open relationship where you all can talk without you flipping out about what she's feeling or wanting to experience then she'll continue to be open and honest well into her adulthood.

I would suggest taking your grand daughter and a mix of boy and girl friends out together with adult supervision for the first couple of years and having boys she likes over to your home when an adult is present. I don't think a young person is really prepared to control their hormones or understand the ramifications of adult relationships until they are about 16. I would recommend no boy-girl alone dates until then.

Dianne, I think 16 or 17 is the idea age for her to date. I am old school, my mother did not let us date until we were at the age of 16 and she had seven of us and it worked out pretty well and I appreciate her for making us wait so that we could mature more and learn more about the responsibility of dating.

I would say that 12 yrs old is too young to date. I have a 14 yr old girl and a 19 yr old girl. The 14 yr old thinks she should be dating but I refuse to let her. She is not old enough to be able to handle the emotions and hormones. At that age a guy can pretty much talk her into almost anything to make her want to fit in. The 19 yr old agrees with me and says she is glad she had to wait til she was 16 to date. She felt like she was better able maturity wise to handle the date than she would have been at a younger age. I do allow male guy friends to come over as long as I am home and in the same room with them. That is allowing them freedom to be around the boys but doesn't leave room for anything else. Hope this helps.

Hi Dianne,
I am no expert, and my daughter is only three right now, but personally, i think 12-13 years old is too young to date. My parents did not let me go "on a date" until I was 16, they had known the person for a while, they knew where I was going, who would be there, and when I was coming home. And they always let me know that if I got in a bad situation, no matter what it was, that I could call them for help and they would come and get me. I am so thankful now that they were strict with dating. Society has changed so much since I was young (I am 31)...I am a nurse practitioner and I work with a lot of young children, including teenage girls who are pregnant at age 13/14, sometimes younger. I also see a TON of teenage girls who end up with some type of sexually transmitted disease, even HIV, because their parents let them date at such a young age. Try explaining to your granddaughter that you love her very much and you want her to have a great time with her friends, but that you don't want anything bad to happen to her and definitely don't want her to wind up with HIV or pregnant at 13. Try letting her male friends come over to spend time with her (not in a room alone), but in a supervised situation. Maybe allow her to watch a movie in the living room, or do homework together. If her male friends are not willing to do those things, then they don't care about her in the first place. If a big group of friends is going to a movie or somewhere else that is teenage appropriate, maybe allow her to go but tell her that you trust her, and if your trust is ever broken, she will not be allowed to do those things anymore. Teenagers are looking for their independence and you have to allow it at some level or they will rebel, but there are a LOT of people out there that don't care, and reality is, they can do a lot of mean and sometimes life-threatening things to teenagers. The main thing is to let her know how much you love and care for her and that you don't want her to get hurt by these downright mean, crazy people out there--that you are not restricting dating just to be mean to her. Right now, she may not understand and get an attitude about it, but you and your granddaughter will be so glad in the future that you made that decision for her...I always see these news shows on TV about these missing teenage girls who end up killed and their parents say "if I had only said no to her going out"....just do what you think is best for her at this age, but explain to her the reasons why you are making this decision. I totally dread the day that my daughter becomes a teenager, but hopefully I will raise her to be a responsible young woman...good luck--you have come this far with her and I totally bless you for raising a child and will be praying for you!

Hi Dianne,

I think 12 or 13 is way too young to start dating. These are the years when all the boys and girls start spending time together in groups - not one on one dating. I would make her wait until age 15. Stress to her the importance of spending time with her girlfriends. Good luck to you!

L.

My neice's mother made the same bad decision to let her date at age 11. She had a baby at age 12 and now holds the state record for the youngest mother to ever go through a crisis pregnancy center.

Letting her go doen not PROVE you raised her right. Remember that you did not raise that boy and maybe HE wasn't raised right.

If you want to be able to say you raised her right you need to give her some good boundaries.

I don't know if I would start this yet at all.... I would really encourage her to focus on her studies... I think you may be openning a can of worms if you start now.... Honestly, 17 is a better age. I know I'm old school but that's how I feel and you asked.

I wouldn't let her date until she was 16. And that would be with a group of peers and not alone. Make sure you have the talk with her way before 16.

No, too young. I have a 8yr old and I couldn't imagine her dating in a few more years that is for sure. Now if you granddaughter wants to go to the movies with a group of girl friends with your or another parents supervision, fine. But no dating yet. Maybe 14/15 and that would be a better age, with a parent close by possibly even.

Good luck
S.

Dianne! 12 years old??? Tell her to talk to you again when she is 15-16. You are asking for trouble if you encourage it and allow this. She can probably go to the movies with a group of friends but there is SAFETY in numbers. Be smart here, Grandma!
C.

Personally, I was not allowed to go anywhere by myself with a boy until I was 15. Before that a group of us would sometimes meet up at the skating rink or the movie theater. I think group activties are fine. Besides, if they are only 12 or 13 where could they go that parents weren't taking them anyway. Unless the boy is older, then that's a whole different issue!

I really hope that you are kidding about considering letting a 12 year old date. I do not mean to be harsh, I really do not, but unless you are ready to be a great-grandmother in the next 3 years you will forget the idea. Kids that young are still figuring out a great deal about themselves. Tell your granddaughter to consider this time in her life as "me" time meant for her to grow inwardly and outwardly. Perhaps you might want to consider 16 as an appropiate age. There are those comfortable with 15, I am not. My daughter is 16 and finds that being a good student is where she prefers to put her energy. At present she is a nominee for the Governor's Honors Program in Physics. So I think letting them put energy and time into themselves is the best activity for a 12/13 year old. Good Luck

Hey Dianne
Well, its one thing for a 12 y/o to have a "boyfriend" but a different thing to date. I believe that the appropriate age is 16 to go out on dates, and then go with friends the first couple of times. People don't want to think that their child (or grandchild) is capable of doing certain "adult" activites at this age, but unfortunatley many are so you might want to have "the talk" with her and have her meet with her pastor (if you're religious) as well. I have a 14 y/o family member who is due with a boy in January...

12 yr. olds are too young to date. You are asking for trouble if you let her date that young. We have a 14 yr. old and she doesn't date. They are too immature at that date to know what or who they want. At 16 we may let her sit with a boy in church, we will see when the time comes. Please be very careful. But I do know for sure, that she is much too young to even think about it. We tell our daughter it will depend on her maturity level and the boy, when the time comes.

Dianne, I have to give you a BIG BLUE RIBBON because you have the sense to ask our opinions about this issue since you are not sure.
Thank you so much, I hope you will realize that we all are looking out for your granddaughter's welfare as you are. She is way too young, but I realize that dating amongst girls her age is rampant in this society and we as your friends are counseling you to just say NO to her and explain that she is way too young to have any close relationships with boys I don't care what she wants to do. No hand holding, no kissing, no body touching, no nothing but a HI, to them. She is a daughter of God and her body is sacred, so you must explain to her. Too many girls are loose and soiled and that makes the Lord so sad. Protect and teach her and one day when she is much older she will be free to date and then marry hopefully having kept herself pure and clean.