12 Year Old Wants to Date

My neice's mother made the same bad decision to let her date at age 11. She had a baby at age 12 and now holds the state record for the youngest mother to ever go through a crisis pregnancy center.

Letting her go doen not PROVE you raised her right. Remember that you did not raise that boy and maybe HE wasn't raised right.

If you want to be able to say you raised her right you need to give her some good boundaries.

Hey Dianne
Well, its one thing for a 12 y/o to have a "boyfriend" but a different thing to date. I believe that the appropriate age is 16 to go out on dates, and then go with friends the first couple of times. People don't want to think that their child (or grandchild) is capable of doing certain "adult" activites at this age, but unfortunatley many are so you might want to have "the talk" with her and have her meet with her pastor (if you're religious) as well. I have a 14 y/o family member who is due with a boy in January...

Personally, I was not allowed to go anywhere by myself with a boy until I was 15. Before that a group of us would sometimes meet up at the skating rink or the movie theater. I think group activties are fine. Besides, if they are only 12 or 13 where could they go that parents weren't taking them anyway. Unless the boy is older, then that's a whole different issue!

Diane, first let me tell you I undertand your predicament as I, too, help raise one of my Granddaughters. We have a "unique calling." Before getting into your question may I suggest you read what has become my favorite book, "Boundaries with Kids" by Drs. Townsend and Cloud. It will change the way you think and provide insight to help you in MANY siutations.

Regarding the dating situation, I strongly urge you to tell her it's too early. These young years are tender ones. Rather than finding self esteem in what boys think of her, help her grow as a young woman, learn who she is, learn how to have girl and boy friendships. Dating at 12 or 13 only puts her in situations she isn't prepared to deal with. It's time for going to parties and outings with friends. Time for enriching herself and learning about the world not settling down. She has a lifetime to do that! Please consider waiting. Teach her about boys, dating, what she wants to be when she grows up. This is a time for personal molding and helping her grow up to be a smart young woman. Discover her interests and help her find her niche in those things rather than expecting a relationship to fulfill her.

There is PLENTY of time for dating, help her find herself now and enjoy the time you have with her. She'll be gone so quickly... L.

The age DEFINITELY is not 12 years old ! ! ! ! ! I've raised two girls. Now ages 22 and 18. At 12, she is beginning to feel as though she wants to do a lot of things, but in reality, she is NOT ready for it. This is the typical pre-teen state. You are going to have to stand strong on this. Start by allowing her to talk on the phone a couple of times a week to a boy (with a time limit for the length she can talk as well as her cut off time at night). You may want to consider allowing a young boy to come to your home and visit with her (adults at home of course) for a couple of hours when she starts 9th grade. When she's in the 10th grade, then consider letting her go to the movies (not alone in a car with a boy) in a group setting. By the time she's in the 11th grade (16 years old) you may consider allowing her to car date with limits.

This may be old fashioned today, but in my experience (my mom and dad raised 5 girls....1 son), it works. We had no baby mama drama, drug issues, running wild, etc. My husband and used similar parenting skills along with more open communication with our girls and it has worked out BEAUTIFULLY ! !

Trust me, she's saying she wants to date. Next week, she'll want to drive even though she does not have a permit. You've got to be the parent and set limits and discuss with her when things are age appropriate. Talk with your grandchild....don't just allow her to say she's ready to do something at this very young and confusing age and you give in to it. SHE IS WAY TO YOUNG ! ! ! ! ! !

Hi, Im not sure what your beliefs are. But there is a really awesome book written for young adults by Joshua Harris called I kissed Dating Goodbye. its not what it sounds like. Its a christian book written by a young man b4 he met his wife about how guys think really, what girls think and about the whole dating issues and why he decided to not get sucked into mainstream dating that our society makes our little kids think they need. I say check it out and read it if you like it pass it to your grand child boys and girls. If thats not for you, you need to have a serious talk with her about whatguys are really after and yes 13 yr old boys are not looking for love and all the stuff that little girls are looking for she needs to be aware of that. Youd be really suprised what goes on in Jr high, its not usually the innocent dating that we used to think of. Im not saying your grandchild would be permiscuous but the pressure is deff there and I think 12 is just too young, why can't we let our kids be kids anymore she has the rest of her life to worry about men right now she should focus on school and some good girlfriends and things like sports or art and music.

dear dianne-
i read your 'so what happened' - you sound angry! angry at the ladies that gave you the opinions you asked for!! what's that about? if you don't want opinions, don't ask for it... jmho

second, you say your daughter isnt' thinking about sex... but you do NOT know what the nice young man is thinking. check any book on adolescent boys and you'll see that that is exactly what thye are thinking... watch what they are watching on television and how can a boy/young man think other than that? 'gossip girl', 'desperate housewives', the CW channel, UPN, and even the regular ones. we're going to have to get cable to get away from the smut on regular television.

anyway, i pray for your granddaughter -that she actually picks nice boys, because otherwise, she's likely to end up exactly where you think she's never going to go.

my opinion...

I'm not letting my daughter date until she's 30, 25 if she's really good.

no no and no.
she is too young.
way too young to face the pressure....
send her out in big groups!

Dianne! 12 years old??? Tell her to talk to you again when she is 15-16. You are asking for trouble if you encourage it and allow this. She can probably go to the movies with a group of friends but there is SAFETY in numbers. Be smart here, Grandma!
C.

No, too young. I have a 8yr old and I couldn't imagine her dating in a few more years that is for sure. Now if you granddaughter wants to go to the movies with a group of girl friends with your or another parents supervision, fine. But no dating yet. Maybe 14/15 and that would be a better age, with a parent close by possibly even.

Good luck
S.

I wouldn't let her date until she was 16. And that would be with a group of peers and not alone. Make sure you have the talk with her way before 16.

Hi Dianne,

Dating is something that is more appropriate for your grand daughter when she is 16 years old and it is wise to let her know that at that time she can date within a group of boys and girls. Dating one boy exclusively and putting herself in a situation where she will be alone with a boy (at a movie, at his house, at her house, at the mall, etc) is just asking for trouble. Hormones are raging! Dating is really only about one thing for kids these days - to engage is sexual activity. If you can, get your grand daughter involved in an afterschool sport or other activity that will occupy her time (a lot!). Young girls need to become obsessed with something else besides boys. If you can afford it, horses are a great thing to get her hooked on to or soccer or art classes or anything! Dating is trouble. Girls today think that oral sex is not sex and see nothing wrong with doing it. Sex and relationships is just one big sticky problem for our young people. Please don't allow your grand daughter to jump into a world she's too young to experience. Talk to her about what she wants to do with her life - give her vision and purpose and direction. Boys are bad news. The very best of luck to you! You are so brave and compassionate to take her under your wing.

I really hope that you are kidding about considering letting a 12 year old date. I do not mean to be harsh, I really do not, but unless you are ready to be a great-grandmother in the next 3 years you will forget the idea. Kids that young are still figuring out a great deal about themselves. Tell your granddaughter to consider this time in her life as "me" time meant for her to grow inwardly and outwardly. Perhaps you might want to consider 16 as an appropiate age. There are those comfortable with 15, I am not. My daughter is 16 and finds that being a good student is where she prefers to put her energy. At present she is a nominee for the Governor's Honors Program in Physics. So I think letting them put energy and time into themselves is the best activity for a 12/13 year old. Good Luck

Dianne,
My experience with this is as a teen myself and watching what my parents did. I think that when I was in 9th grade, my parents let me go to a movie with a boy. They took us and picked us up. I started dating someone as a Sophomore in high school. Most of those experiences were at my house with my parents around! So, I think 12/13 is a little too young. Make sure that you have the sex talk with her!

Hi Dianne,
I am no expert, and my daughter is only three right now, but personally, i think 12-13 years old is too young to date. My parents did not let me go "on a date" until I was 16, they had known the person for a while, they knew where I was going, who would be there, and when I was coming home. And they always let me know that if I got in a bad situation, no matter what it was, that I could call them for help and they would come and get me. I am so thankful now that they were strict with dating. Society has changed so much since I was young (I am 31)...I am a nurse practitioner and I work with a lot of young children, including teenage girls who are pregnant at age 13/14, sometimes younger. I also see a TON of teenage girls who end up with some type of sexually transmitted disease, even HIV, because their parents let them date at such a young age. Try explaining to your granddaughter that you love her very much and you want her to have a great time with her friends, but that you don't want anything bad to happen to her and definitely don't want her to wind up with HIV or pregnant at 13. Try letting her male friends come over to spend time with her (not in a room alone), but in a supervised situation. Maybe allow her to watch a movie in the living room, or do homework together. If her male friends are not willing to do those things, then they don't care about her in the first place. If a big group of friends is going to a movie or somewhere else that is teenage appropriate, maybe allow her to go but tell her that you trust her, and if your trust is ever broken, she will not be allowed to do those things anymore. Teenagers are looking for their independence and you have to allow it at some level or they will rebel, but there are a LOT of people out there that don't care, and reality is, they can do a lot of mean and sometimes life-threatening things to teenagers. The main thing is to let her know how much you love and care for her and that you don't want her to get hurt by these downright mean, crazy people out there--that you are not restricting dating just to be mean to her. Right now, she may not understand and get an attitude about it, but you and your granddaughter will be so glad in the future that you made that decision for her...I always see these news shows on TV about these missing teenage girls who end up killed and their parents say "if I had only said no to her going out"....just do what you think is best for her at this age, but explain to her the reasons why you are making this decision. I totally dread the day that my daughter becomes a teenager, but hopefully I will raise her to be a responsible young woman...good luck--you have come this far with her and I totally bless you for raising a child and will be praying for you!

I would say that 12 yrs old is too young to date. I have a 14 yr old girl and a 19 yr old girl. The 14 yr old thinks she should be dating but I refuse to let her. She is not old enough to be able to handle the emotions and hormones. At that age a guy can pretty much talk her into almost anything to make her want to fit in. The 19 yr old agrees with me and says she is glad she had to wait til she was 16 to date. She felt like she was better able maturity wise to handle the date than she would have been at a younger age. I do allow male guy friends to come over as long as I am home and in the same room with them. That is allowing them freedom to be around the boys but doesn't leave room for anything else. Hope this helps.

Dianne, I think 16 or 17 is the idea age for her to date. I am old school, my mother did not let us date until we were at the age of 16 and she had seven of us and it worked out pretty well and I appreciate her for making us wait so that we could mature more and learn more about the responsibility of dating.

I would suggest taking your grand daughter and a mix of boy and girl friends out together with adult supervision for the first couple of years and having boys she likes over to your home when an adult is present. I don't think a young person is really prepared to control their hormones or understand the ramifications of adult relationships until they are about 16. I would recommend no boy-girl alone dates until then.

Hi Dianne R...I say maybe allow a GROUP DATE (3 girls/3guys) with 1 or 2 Chaperones to the movies or out to dinner and the Chaperones sit else where to not embarras them.

If you've laid a good foundation of right from wrong and she's trustworthy then go for the GROUP DATE.

I am 25 soon to be 26 and was raised by my very old school grandparents and I can attest to the fact that if the proper foundation has been set and you have an open relationship where you all can talk without you flipping out about what she's feeling or wanting to experience then she'll continue to be open and honest well into her adulthood.

What is "date"? To go out somewhere socially with someone other than your parent/guardian? To go somewhere with someone who is of the opposite gender? To like a boy or girl? To call someone your boyfriend/girlfriend? I think I had my first crush in the 4th grade -- on Matthew Logan. (sigh...) what is that -- 10 years old?

I think 12 is too young to "date" one-on-one but not too young to go on group dates or chaperoned dates.

To be too strict is to create a sneak, unfortunately. Just be very clear about what is expected and what is acceptable -- both to your daughter AND to her beaus -- ESPECIALLY TO HER BEAUS. (I'm not there yet, but a friend gave my husband that advice for when our daughter reaches dating age: to take the boy aside. Rather than instilling fear, telling him, "My daughter means the world to me. I am trusting you to keep my little girl safe and bring her back on time." -- Turn the boy into an ally.)

At 12, they're just practicing for what they're going to be like when they're older. The good part is that, at 12, they're still moldable. You can watch them. If you don't like what you see, say, "Hmmm... I noticed something. I'd like to talk to you about it." and approached well, you could stave off some really terrible hurts that could have come later. This could be a wonderful opportunity, really.

I personally think 12 is way too young to date! If there were organized chaparoned activities, I might allow her to attend those functions, but dating this early is way to much. If she were my girl, I would definately try to find another direction to pour her energies like perhaps gymnastics, cheerleading, or any other activity which would take up alot of her free time. She will have the rest of her life to date but will never be able to get her childhood back. Good luck! The pressure is immense for young girls to grow up too quickly. Belle

12 yr. olds are too young to date. You are asking for trouble if you let her date that young. We have a 14 yr. old and she doesn't date. They are too immature at that date to know what or who they want. At 16 we may let her sit with a boy in church, we will see when the time comes. Please be very careful. But I do know for sure, that she is much too young to even think about it. We tell our daughter it will depend on her maturity level and the boy, when the time comes.

I would wait until 15 or 16.12 and 13 is to young

God has to have a special place for grandmothers who raise their grandkids.

The first question is... define date. Maybe I am old school, but I don't think an unsupervised "date" should occur before driving age. That is just me. Does she have someone in mind? Can a date be him coming over to watch tv? having pizza at your house? Partys? will both parents be there? What are their philosophies. (have heard of some serving beer to be cool to their children).. going to a church function together?

No pat answers but hopefully some good questions.

K.

I know you'll get a half million replies on this that 12 is too young! :o) 13 and 14 are too young in my opinion too. When I think about dating these days, it just isn't what I want my children to do until they are much older. I remember going on my first "date" when I was 16. I went with my sister and her date to a movie (Nightmare on Elm Street I think it was-- the FIRST one!!) There is such a hurry these days to grow up fast; and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. Let's let our kids be kids and when they get their driver's license, think about letting them date! What's wrong with that? There are SO many changes that their young bodies go thru at the tender ages of 12 and 13. How about take her and another girl friend out to a movie or dinner and sit at another table or a few rows behind them at the movies? This way, she'll feel like she is getting that freedom that she *thinks* she wants; but boys- dating-- 12 and 13-- I just don't think it's the right time.

C.
mom to 3 kiddos

Dear Dianne,
I have 3 daughters myself so I have thought this issue through pretty well.First of all I think you should ask yourself if your grandaughter is capable of having a child and raising it at this point.The answer is probablly no.The reason I say this is because if you allow her to date then it is highly possible that she will be tempted to have sex and then it will be a possibility of pregnancy. I know we think (Not my little girl) but the truth is that when young people are allowed to be placed in situations where they get too close and their bodies get turned on too soon then they act on what they feel and do not make mature choices.I definitely think 12 or 13 is entirely too young and you just need to stand up to her because you love her and you know what is best for her. I have worked with many girls this age through the years in school and church and I assure you they are not ready for dating. Also you have to be on guard for any other ways in which your granddaughter could get herself into an unsafe situation.We have to be their protector and we have to take courage and know that we're doing what is best for them even when they do no agree with our decisions. I hope and pray that you will make the right decision because you love your granddaughter.You have to think about her future because right now all she wants to think about is now.
May God bless you and give you strength now and in the future.Sincerely, S. (the appropriate age depends on the maturity of the young lady and her boyfriend, probablly not before age 16 or 17)

Maybe start double dating at 16 and dating alone at 17. Any younger and you are asking for trouble.

My opinion too young to "date", but there is nothing wrong with you allowing her to have a guy friend come over or go with the two of you places - to the mall, movies, to eat. I have a 16 year old and this is how we have handled it up until this point. Well supervised outings will give her the sense of a date, but with limitations. It will also give you opportunity to guide her in the do's and don'ts of dating. This is hard for the parent when they are 15 - 16, at least this will give you opportunity to get an idea of how she will respond to dating situations, and will give you an idea when or if she is ready for dating on her own. Also opportunity to share. On the way home from these type outings is where we have most of our heart to hearts even now. She hasn't went on a one on one date as of yet other than to Wednesday night church. It is coming soon though - she just turned 16 in August. My rule is she isn't going any where with anyone I haven't at least met once.

I'm the mother of 4, youngest 16. Husband leaves most parental decisions to me. Not a perfect mother - still learning - even with the 4th child. Parenting is very hard - kudos to you as the grandparent raising the granddaughter.

They ALL want to at 12 or 13, but it is not appropriate for them to do so. If they go to a group setting where boys are present and it is well chaperoned, such as a dance or a birthday party or such, that is okay, but even that should be well supervised. No one-on-one dates, though, until at least age 16. I know that sounds old-fashioned, but so be it. You will not regret making her wait, but you could regret NOT making her wait.

15 and 16 are good ages for GROUP dates. Make sure you know who she is with and where they are going. You can even ensure her safety and well being by starting a group date activity club with the parents of her friends. Plan a calandar of events and have the parents sign up on a chaparone schedule.

If the parents would get more involved in group activities for boys and girls of this age..... there would be less, much less of the bad things that can happen.

I would not let her actually start "dating" until she was a junior in high school. And then I would have to meet the parents.

If you don't care what we think, why did you ask? No need to get angry-we don't even know you or your granddaughter. All we can do is offer personal experiences on parental matters. We are not here to judge, just to trade advice and that is the whole point of this website.

You do need to trust your granddaughter, but you also need to understand that times are MUCH different now. Most 13-15 year olds are not virgins anymore, and girls are taught or pressured into thinking that oral sex is not sex. Funny thing is though that you say you trust her, but are making sure that you have someone there to spy on her. Doesn't sound like you trust her very much to me.

Dianne,

Good luck with a pre-teen girl, by the way and good for you for at least giving it a lot of thought!

My experience growing up was that all my girlfriends could date sooner than me. My parents made me wait until I was 16 then they let a boy take me to a movie and straight home. No dilly dally in between if you know what I mean. I wouldn't be surprised if they went to the theater to make sure his car was there. I hated it, but I was also the only girl I knew not having sex at that age! My mother always told me on our "date talks" "When you grow up and have to face these boys as a woman, you will be able to hold your head high if you have conducted yourself as a lady". You know what, you won't hear me say this about much that my step-mother said to me, but SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! When I went to my class reunion two MEN actually got into a fight because one had slept with the other's wife first. What a shame, but we do have to live with our mistakes. Not just for a minute, but for the rest of our lives.

I think 12 and 13 is WAY too young. You have to be brave and strong and know that you know better than she does, and also better than the other parents who are just letting their kids run wild! She will hate you today, but thank you tomorrow. The big thing to stress is that when she is finally allowed to date, she must conduct herself as a lady, respect herself, and don't be fooled by what a young boy is telling her. We, as moms, have been there in that car with a boy at one time or another, so we know the types of things she will hear. I would focus my time with her now preparing her for that, and just smile, hug her, kiss her and tell her you love her when she is yelling "I hate you, all my friends are dating, etc".

I would also say to offer her a compromise. Let her invite a boy over for dinner and a movie at home (still be vigilant with supervision and let her know you are doing so). My parents did that and it was good. I could have a boy over to visit, and that way I could spend time without any room for error.

I say with things today, drugs, alcohol, diseases, teen pregnancy etc. You cannot be conservative enough, and if that is the worst thing you do to her in her lifetime, she will thank you a million times when she does grow up. I will tell you that as soon as I did start dating, I was offered drugs, pressured for sex and given alcohol, but at 16 and 17 I was mature enough to say no and stick to it! Keep the lines of communication open, though, and be honest with her about why you are making your decisions. She won't agree, but at least she will hear you. I heard my parents. I didn't like it, but when I go for my 20th class reunion next year, I will know that no man there will look at me or my husband sideways (except to think, man, that was the girl I missed out on! :-)

You are asking if it is too young, so you already know it is.

Good luck!!!

As others have noted, make sure you understand what her definition of "dating" is before you make a decision. When I was 12, dating was holding hands in the hallway, sitting by each other at lunch, and long talks on the telephone. There were no actual DATES.

Twelve is too young to date. At this age she should be doing things with peer groups. Girls test at this age. It is important to consider some counseling at this age as to why you are raising her rather than her parents. Puberty is where we see the damage of a troubled childhood. So many of our youngest girls want to be unconditionally loved and mistake sex for love. Please protect her, love her and supervise her very closely.

I think 12 is too young for pretty much anything. Dating? 15-16 at minimum. Group activities? 13-14, during the day. 12 year olds should not be left unsupervised at the mall.

Hi Dianne:
12 or 13 is too young to date. You should be thinking about 15 or 16. In today's society pressure on young girls to have sex early is enormous and then we also have drugs. If you let your granddaughter date at such an early age there will be problems. I was one of the lucky/unlucky parents whose daughter told me everything that her friends were doing. Many of the parents thought their children would never be having sex, doing drugs or drinking alcohol. In fact it is the rule not the exception. I would suggest that you re-direct your granddaughter into an activity that she shows some interest in. It will get her mind off of boys and stabilize the desire to fit in.
R. (Daughter 21years old and college junior)

I think going out in mixed gender groups at this age is fine -to movies, the mall, bowling, whatever as long as it's appropriate activity. I would NOT let her go out with a boy on their own or a boy older than 13 -14 TOPS! No driving dates!

Well, that is the age girls notice boys. I notice most of the time going out to the movies, skating, etc girls usually go in groups same for the boys but sometimes there's a few boys that go with a group of girls. I think that 12 alone with a boy is a bit too young. I know there's some great books out there that you and her can read about dating that's something for her to look forward to doing in the near future. I don't have girls and am not facing this situation yet however my sister has faced this and she lets girls go in groups only and she didn't allow dating alone until age 16. even then she always suggested double dating so not to be alone. Back in our day thats what our parents allowed also it still seems to be that way with many parents today.My best wishes to you in this new adventure.

My advice is that "she is not yet old enough to make her
own decisions" and therefore must focus on becoming a GOOD
student w/GOOD GRADES; show that she can be responsible by
assisting in housework, cooking and keeping her room tidy.
When she shows herself to be responsible, she can begin earing
her spending money by babysitting. This would be a wonderful
experience in becoming mature and trustworthy. 12-yrs old is
abslutely too young to date.
Grandmother Conley

Hi Dianne,
My parents allowed me to date way too young. I so wish they had been stricter with me and not allowed me to date until 16 or so. I never got into any real trouble, but it's a miracle that I didn't. One night, when I was about 14, I was held down by a high school wrestler and "felt up" while I cried. He called the next night and wanted to know when we could go out again. I said never and he basically called me a slut and said I "wanted it." Fortunately that was the worst that happened to me, but I have friends who started dating young and were raped. I was a virgin when I graduated high school, but not without much emotional struggling and pressure from my boyfriends. My parents did not tell me not to have sex because it's God's commandment. They just told me not to. So I wasn't given the right tools to make this decision, and so I struggled with it. It took my mind off of other things that should have been more important to me at that time, like my schoolwork and piano lessons, and spending time with my family. I was not old enough to be given the choices I was given and forced to make these grown-up decisions. The kindest, most loving, and responsible thing you can do for your granddaughter is make her wait until she is older to date and give her the right tools to make the right decisions. Tell her about the Commandments. She will thank you for it later.

Hi Dianne,

I think 12 or 13 is way too young to start dating. These are the years when all the boys and girls start spending time together in groups - not one on one dating. I would make her wait until age 15. Stress to her the importance of spending time with her girlfriends. Good luck to you!

L.

I don't know if I would start this yet at all.... I would really encourage her to focus on her studies... I think you may be openning a can of worms if you start now.... Honestly, 17 is a better age. I know I'm old school but that's how I feel and you asked.

Hi Diane,

I would suggest that age 16 may be a good age to start dating. 13 is too young to start dating. Hopefully, your granddaughter is involved with school,family, hobbies, extra curricular activities to occupy her time and mind.

I further suggest attending parenting classes where you may meet other parents and professionals who can help you with child rearing questions.

What does your granddaughter mean when she says that she wants to date? That may be a bigger question to ask. Have you had the conversation with your granddaughter about sex, pregnancy dating and boys? How are her grades?

It is difficutl raising children in this climate of over exposure to adult themes. I wish you all the luck in raising your granddaughter.

Good luck and God Bless

Dianne, I have to give you a BIG BLUE RIBBON because you have the sense to ask our opinions about this issue since you are not sure.
Thank you so much, I hope you will realize that we all are looking out for your granddaughter's welfare as you are. She is way too young, but I realize that dating amongst girls her age is rampant in this society and we as your friends are counseling you to just say NO to her and explain that she is way too young to have any close relationships with boys I don't care what she wants to do. No hand holding, no kissing, no body touching, no nothing but a HI, to them. She is a daughter of God and her body is sacred, so you must explain to her. Too many girls are loose and soiled and that makes the Lord so sad. Protect and teach her and one day when she is much older she will be free to date and then marry hopefully having kept herself pure and clean.