12 Year Old Stubburn No Care in the World Child

Try enacting a household study hall for 30- 60 minutes every afternoon. He may work on school assignments, or if he says he doesn't have any, then he needs to read a book. Hopefully he will get the idea that he might as well spend that time working on his real homework and if he fails a time or two it is his own doing you have given him the quite time to work on his homework and are there to help him if needed. There is only so much a parent can do for thier child. If you don't rest the responsibility firmly on his shoulders now he will be living with you at 25 when he gets fired from his jobs for not being responsible. Having ADHD just means he has to try a bit harder. It isn't an excuse to slack off.

My daughter too used to tell me she had no homework when in fact she did. I knew she did because I made sure I had the homework schedule for each class. So, I started telling her that if she didn't have any teacher-assigned homework, I would make some for her and I did. I told her that she would be doing school work so if she had homework she might as well do that because either way she was going to be studying. It worked. and the "I get distracted" is most definitely an excuse. He's obviously heard other people use that for an excuse for him and he's just jumped on the band wagon. Be careful what you say in front of him.

Dear A.
I had a very similar problem with my 10 year old daughter. What finally helped was that I controlled everything and didn't believe she had done it. You will need the coopoeration of his teacher. If the teacher could email you the homework, or when you pick him up check at the blackboard that he has everything. Maybe it would also be possible to work with another parent in your sons class and have that parent forward you the homeworks...
The thing is they will hate it and maybe try to do it better. At least it is worth a try...

My 8-year old son also has ADHD. The best thing you can do to help him at school is to work closely with his teacher. I talk to or email my son's teacher everyday to see how he has been doing in class. Were there any behavior problems? Did he finish all of his assignments? Does he have any homework tonight? Are there any big projects due? If your son's teacher knows that you are concerned & he/she is willing to help out, they may make an extra effort to work more closely with your son.

On the other hand, if your son is taking medication and he is still distracted at school or while doing his homework in the evening, perhaps the dosage or what time of day he takes it needs to be changed?

If you can't talk to your son's teacher daily, perhaps you can make a behavior chart to give to your son's teacher to see if he is 1) finishing his assignments, 2) has missing assignments, 3) gets distracted in class, 4) follows the rules, 5) is cooperative, 6) works well with others, etc. You might have the teacher rate these things on a scale of 1-5. One might mean "needs a lot of improvement" and 5 might mean, "Doing well." The teacher can mark these things on either a daily or weekly basis. For example, if your son earns X amount of points in all of the categories in a day, then he can watch tv for an hour. If he earns XX points in a day, he can have a friend over. If he earns XXX points, he can earn $$ to spend. How you do the chart can be up to you & can be individualized for your son.

My son's psychologist recommended the book "Transforming the Difficult Child" by Howard Glasser & Jennifer Easley. It talks about how ADHD kids really need daily rewards, and daily praise. Instead of waiting until your child's report card comes out to praise him/her, praise your child daily for little things. Sometimes all kids hear is, "Stop daydreaming", "Stop talking", "You need to work harder", "Why didn't you turn in your assignment?" etc. Instead, tell your child, "Thank you for sharing your toys with your friend", "Thank you for helping me do the dishes", "I appreciate how you came right home and started your homework", "I'm proud of you for turning in all of your homework this week." Hopefully, the positive remarks will outweigh the negatives.

This book also talks about a point system. Your child can earn points for following the rules, using good behavior, doing chores, finishing his homework, etc. These points can be redeemed for "privileges", like watching tv, playing video games, going to the mall, having a friend over, going to an amusement park, seeing a professional sporting event, etc. If you child is "lazy" and doesn't want to do the work, then he won't have enough points to do anything fun. This plan works if you are consistent. Your child is ultimately responsible for working as little or as much as he wants. The more he works & accomplishes, the more rewards he will receive. It's a great book, is very easy to read & understand, it has lots of examples, and it works!

Lastly..if your son doesn't have an IEP or at least a 504 plan in the works, you should request an evaluation for these services at school. If he gets distracted in class, perhaps the teacher or resource specialist can make special accommodations where he can get tutoring or at least do his work in a room that is not distracting. You may be able to request taking extra copies of text books home in case your son forgets. Perhaps your son's teacher can give you a copy of his homework assignments for the week. Or, your son might even need written copies of your teacher's notes, so that your son can concentrate on the lecture & not concentrate on taking notes. The school may be able to help with study skills as well.

Sorry this is so long! Good luck!

Hi A.!

Your son must be around 6th grade...?? At this grade level most Teachers have a weekly "plan of attack". The Principals needs to see the Teachers Lesson Plans for the whole week, which means they usually have their plan figured out.

The teacher should be able to tell you what homework is expected EACH NIGHT. I doubt he doesn't have any homework at this age.

We used to have the Teacher fax us a copy of his plans for the week ahead. This way we were always one step ahead of our daughter (who doesn't have ADHD).

Then once she realized that we were serious, we gave her the opportunity to "wipe the slate clean". We returned all her privledges, with the remender that it could all be taken away again. Well....it wasn't perfect, but it went much better. For her, she was in High School, with a full blown attitude :o)

But, at least we felt like we gave every fair opportunity for her to do what's right.

I must admit, it was nice saying "Did you finish your math page 138?"....... and the look on her face that I KNEW what assignment she had done in class that day! It was worth the effort, and I didn't feel like like I was making a TON of extra work for the Teacher.

Good Luck, A.. Yes, he should be having homework, maybe he should be visiting a Detention Facility!

:o) N.

A child with ADHD often needs daily help to keep organized. He may need rules on where to keep his backpack, a written daily schedule, etc. The supports can be slowly withdrawn, as the child becomes more independent.
It works best if the teacher and parent are in sync. Both of you can sign a homework log. That way you know what needs to be done. Positive reinforcement works best. Both small immediate rewards and larger rewards to work towards help the child. The child can help make up the list of rewards.

My son is 14 and has ADHD. Same problem- I did my homework at school or we had none tonight. I try to be in regular touch with the teachers and a lot of the time I would go in Friday afternoon and get the work for him to makeup on the weekend. He is in high school now so they expect them to be more responsible but some will still accept late work. It's tough and I can take everything away from him and it doesn't help. I've tried a reward system and no luck there either. I can say that it gets a little easier year by year but the 6th and 7th grade was so stressful. I know this isn't much help but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone, I am just hoping one day soon he will get a clue and realize it is a lot less stressful and a lot less yelling from mom if he would just do what is required. My son already has to take science in summer school since he didn't pass the first semester. I told him over and over that you need to pass all your classes or retake them and it didn't seem to matter. I hope he will eventually be a responsible adult.
K.

Is he on medication?

Let him fail. Our son has ADD, and we just let him fail, when he chooses to--and more often he chooses not to fail. It has to be his problem, not yours. Believe me that is a hard place to go, but it has worked in our home.

I truly understand the frustration you must be feeling. My son constantly said he had done his homework at school. But, then his grades would prove different. I finally spoke to the teacher and set up a program where I could call her after school and get all homework assignments. Then I had the opportunity to make sure he did his homework. No more excuses allowed. This worked really well and he finally decided I was serious and would do anything to improve his cooperation and his grades. Taking away things isn't working, so try something more aggressive. Good luck, I know how frustrating this can be. Hang in there, its worth it in the end. [son is now a graduate of USC]
C. F

check out Camp Bucksin on the internet. Specialized in ADD, etc. Summer camp. we are sending our son, who does the same things ....

Hi there,
My son is 17, turning 18 in 2 weeks, and grew up with ADD. The one thing I would ask is do you have him a resource program at school? He usually takes regular classes, but is sat up front near the teacher so the teacher can keep him on task. Some things you can do along with this is give your son a notebook or sheet of paper that must get signed by his teacher(s) every day when there is homework assigned. You see it every day, and if there's ever a signature missing, you can contact the teacher right away. The one thing I've learned along the way is there always needs to be constant communication with the school, teachers, and yourself. Taking things away from my son never really helped either when he was younger. I suggest though that you stick with that and eventually, it will matter to him. But for starters, have a meeting with the school to look into their resource program. It really helped my son go from Ds and Fs to As and Bs.

I have a 15 year old with adhd, I do struggle with him to do anything. I ask him to do things, he makes excuses all the time, he just doesn't listen to me. Some adhd children do get distracted easily. My son focuses on certain things, and he doesn't think of anything else. I do believe its a phase, they chose not to do it. Distraction I think is an excuse, they don't finish what they are supposed to. G.

I am a single mother of an almost 15 year old boy. I have been having the incomplete homework problem since grade 6. I am told that this incomplete homework or not handing in homework is a normal thing especially teenage boys. My situation is a little different than yours as my son does not have ADHD. My situation is that I have been in a continual 11 year history custody battle where my son's father wants me out of his life. We have 50/50 custody, one week at my house and the other at his dad's house and his dad has not and does not take an active role academically, so my son only gets everyother week of consistancy. What I do and this is a lot of work, is I have the teachers email me the homework assignments every day and keep me informed of upcoming projects or tests. This is the only way that I can check my son's homework. If I don't get emails from the teachers regarding homework then I have to go by what my son is telling me. He tells me either there is no homework or I did it in class which usually turns out to be not true. I make my son bring home certain subjects everyday. I study Spanish and Science with him. If the teachers are not willing to do this you need to go above their heads to the principal. If the parents are willing to work with the teachers than it is the teachers job to work with the parents. To my surprise there are many parents who don't get involved in their children's education which is very sad.

Hope this helps!

B. S.

Hi A.,
My son just turned 13, and tells me the same thing, even with an IEP. Having a child with ADHD can be "so" frustrating. I did not know what to do for my son and made terrible mistakes. I know our son is intelligent, but not highly motivated. I am also aware he uses his ADHD as an excuse, but often he is distracted and doesn’t remember the task given to him. My husband and I both work full-time and have two other older children. My son kept getting in trouble at school and kept interrupting the teacher and talking excessively and distracting the students. I really was fed up with the teachers, school and my son. After I stopped nagging and pushing he ended up failing a grade. This did not help his situation; it made it worse mentally and socially. He is ridiculed by other students that make fun of him for being held back, which in turn makes him feel like he failed. My son currently has an IEP at school. It does not sound like your son has either an IEP or 504-plan, I strongly urge you to make the school responsible for his education. Most public schools do not have the teachers educated to deal with children with ADHD, and have to bring in someone to assist him. I still feel this is a resource that might relieve some of the stress off of you. I can relate to your situation and sympathize totally with you. Good Luck!

Hi. I noticed that you say you're taking a lot of priveleges away, but are you offering anything for good behavior? Sometimes we need incentives, when a kids self esteem is low already they might start to give up and "accept" that they are just a failure. Try to give him a standard to live up to, instead of one that he seems to think he has to live down to. Help him believe in his abilities instead of letting him insist on his disability. We all have to grapple with our limitations, but that means finding a way to work around them and feel good about ourselves despite them.

Hope he finds a positive direction.

My daughter's school has a website called PAMS which allows parents to keep track of their kids grades, homework, etc. We use it all of the time and it's been a lifesaver. My daughter's grades started to slip and we found out that she wasn't turning in her assignments but now that we have access to her grades and homework we feel like we are no longer in the dark about what's happening with our child at school.

I think the tail is wagging the dog here.
Let him be responsible for his work, if he is missing enough of it he will get to go to summer school, or reprat a grade. I bet then he remembers his work.
He may have ADHD, but don't YOU start using that as an excuse.