12 Year Old Step Son

I have been an elementary school teacher for 35 years. This behavior does not help your step-son to be independent. For your son to develop a healthy sense of accomplishment he needs to do these things for himself, otherwise how will he learn from his mistakes? It also seems to be a way for your husband to keep control over him. Even a developmentally disabled child is encouraged to do these things by him or herself by the age of 4 or 5. It seems like something else may be going on here, as I mentioned-control, from fear, over-protectiveness. No one is the bad guy here, perhaps misinformed or anxious? I am not a therapist. Would your husband be willing to go for counseling? Good luck! Regards, R.

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Hi L.. Your husband is right is is just for him. However what he doesn' see is the unatural dependency that he is creating in his (your) son. He is also going to affect his self esteem and create a child who will not respect him as much when he gets older. It is probably a guilt thing or a case where he doesn't feel his son can do it as well on his own, which is a trust thing. either way your job is to insinutae the results in a loving and kind way. Don't allow him to create a line between the family by causing him to be defensive. as for yur daughter teach her to be thankful that it's not her. Help her to be compassionate to the situation and she can even learn to help by empowering her brother. By being lovingly suggestive to. Give him examples of the same situations with out connecting it directly to him. and do the i wonder if other kids his age are more independent speeches too.

He shouldn't be doing this for your son. It's not healthy...

Yes, the behavior you described is excessive and inappropriate. Unless your step son has some kind of developmental disability, which you have said he doesn't, this stuff is over the line. Tying his shoes for him is odd, but the showering, drying off, and dressing help is really, really inappropriate. I understand that sometimes divorced parents over-do for their kids in some way out of guilt. I also get that desire to want to keep your youngest a "baby" for as long as possible. At 12, this young man needs to take care of his own showering and dressing - end of story. Someone mentioned this and I'd like to say it again, what happens in a few years when he turns 18, goes to college and has never even dried himself off or dressed himself?

It sounds like your husband has some repair work to do with his relationship with his daughter and my advice there is to do it while she still has a desire to repair the relationship, since soon there is a chance that she is going to be too hurt and shut him out.

Being the step parent, this is a delicate situation for you. Did the kids or your husband do any kind of counseling during or after the divorce? If so, it would make sense to go back in for a few sessions (if they felt that person was helpful) or to find a family counselor to support the independence issues and healing the relationship with his daughter. Good luck to all of you.

Sounds like your husband's addiction to this kind of excessive "care" is a deep problem. The good thing is that he can see it for what it is...something he does for himself, not his child.
But there may be denial too. Esp if your husband will not see the pain it causes his own daughter.
But you can't change someone not willing to change. Your husband has to want it. Prioritize it. You know better if he sees the serious nature of this. If he does not...maybe he should have some one-on-one time with his daughter...who should then be encouraged to tell him how she feels.
I can't believe the 12-year-old is completely clueless that this is not normal either. (If his friends saw all this???) How does he feel?...I wonder. He may enjoy the attention, but secretly wish it took some other form.
Sounds like you might start with talking (privately)to the adult (husband) first. You might emphasize that parenting is something we are supposed to do more for the child's benefit than our own....long term results really count here. Try to get him on board...either in your own plan (channel his "care" energies elsewhere) or with some kind of family counseling. Best of luck to you!

I just read a wonderful book called:

"The Parenting Breakthrough: Real-Life Plan to Teach Kids to Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent" (Paperback)
by Merrilee Browne Boyack

I highly recommend it!
you can find it on Amazon here:
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Breakthrough-Real-Life-Te...

We are raising adults here, not babies!
Entertaining book filled with comical stories.
The front cover is inspiring at the least!

Enjoy & the best to you & yours!
~D.

L.,

My nephew who recently turned 18 was treated similarly by his mom. He even shared her bed until he was 12 or so. She did everything for him. His grades suffered in school the older he got because he did not learn to work or do anything independently. He also put on an extreme amount of weight in junior high and high school. (Think 5'10" and 350 lbs.) He has just recently graduated from high school (by the skin of his teeth), but he has no desire to do anything. He's not going to college or working or anything...just living with his mom. His self-esteem is extremely poor and he just sits around all day watching TV and playing video games. The emotional damage is obvious to all of us on the outside, and we try to do what we can to encourage him.

I know this is an extreme example, but you need to know what can happen. Please, if you can, convince your husband to talk to someone on the outside about the situation (a counselor). Maybe he would agree to listen the opinion of someone else. You could even tell him that you would agree to go with whatever advice the counselor gave. It would be so unfortunate for your son to end up like my nephew.

Also, make sure you tell your son every day what a wonderful person he is (and your daughter too) and that you think he will go far in life. It will make a big difference in the long run. Your step-kids are lucky to have such a caring step-mom.

Often times, divorced parents of children tend to spoil their kids in an effort to make up for the break-up (no matter who is perceived to be at fault for the divorce/break-up). It's important to break this cycle by showing lots and lots of love through the various stages associated with growing up. For example, lovingly demanding that the child tie his own shoes without attaching any sort of grand meaning to it. Just a simple: "You'll need to tie your own shoe right now." Not: "There will be no more shoe tying for you . . . ever again!" Take things one item at a time!

Certainly your husband is going overboard in pampering his son, but what specific damage are you seeing being done? Is this child unable to anything for himself, or is he just taking advantage of his father's guilt? If it is the latter, it will be very agitating for you to watch, but will probably not result in much long term damage. What will be forever damaging, however, is if you overstep your boundaries as a step parent. Don't try and take over. Keep suggesting what your good sense obviously tells you to your husband and he will probably step right up due his great love for his children.

His dad needs to get that he is 12yrs old, my son is almost 5(will be in nov), i am trying to get him to do things on his own, because hes getting to that age where he can do it himself, with my son when i try to get him to do it himself he whines about it, and thats nto a very good sign, he is also a little slow, because his dexerity with his fingers are not that good. gl.

This does sound like he's really babying you step-son a LOT. What does your step-son say about it ? I know my kids wouldn't put up with it. They like to do things for themselves - which is very healthy. Kids need the self confidence of doing things for themselves including, the things you've mentioned as well as learing how to cook, make his own lunch, getting the mail, chores around the house, etc. Time for your husband to cut the apron strings (about 6 years ago). You need to let kids make mistakes so they can learn from them. I'm sure that if other kids knew this was going on, they would tease your step-son. You don't want to create another problem. Your step-daughter may say something to her friends about this and then word will get around school. It needs to stop unless there is some sort of developmental challenge with your step-son.

Very Creepy! And yes I do think it could cause alot of issues for your step-son when he is older. Maybe, you should sit down with your step son and see what his feeling on this actually are and then make sure your husband opens his creepy eyes that his son is not a baby anymore.
My son is 10 and has been showering for himself and drying and dressing himself for years. Course I will eventually hand over the knife to cut his meat.
But help in bathing a 12 yr old boy or even girl is wrong, unless their is something wrong with physically or mentally!!
Your husband needs to get some serious counciling to find what is the reason he feels he needs to continue to baby his 12 yr old.

My sister just stopped washing her daughters hair (while she was already in the shower) and she is 13. She started doing this because the daughter had such thick ratty hair and she just wouldn't do it the right way, so it would get worse. My sister knows this created a bad situation that she couldn't get out of but it worked itself out as she got older.

You didn't answer the question of 'does he do it on his own when his dad isn't around just fine (not just he can do it), but does he WANT to?', so if he does, it's a control issue for your husband. If he wants his dad to do it, it might a bigger emotional issue (depression) that should be addressed.

If he feels like he really needs to coddle someone, get a puppy or have him be a big brother mentor with some younger kids who really need the attention. He is doing no favors for your son...whatsoever. A horrible pattern will develop very soon on laziness and accountability.

that is CREEPY - get some counseling for them and yourself

Wow! This is so odd, I'm not sure it's a real question and not joke. But just in case it is real... I think that might be doing damage to everyone in the family. My 4yo dries herself off, picks out her clothes, dresses herself, puts her shoes on. She still needs help cutting her own food, but we're working on it!

The son is not learning self-sufficiency or self-care. It seems to me he is learning that he is incapable of the smallest tasks himself... which must damage his confidence and self-esteem.

It does feel good to be babied and taken care of, but most kids that age are working on building their independence skills. Your husband is interfering with that to a huge degree.