12 Year Old Has No Friends

I remembered that you were looking for summer camps.. I thought that I had responded to that but I dont see it listed. .. and then I saw your other email. Socialization is difficult when you move at any age...and it is the million dollar question too. If he went to private school then he maybe his friends there had a different focus and he hasnt found anyone his age like that .. give it some time.. better he not just be friends for the wrong reason.
But also there is a camp that is held at Chestnut Ridge Middle School not far from you called THE SUMMER SPOT...
and one of the best things about the camp is that the children really do learn socialization, and develop great self esteem. They go on trips once a week, sports & water activities, swimming... etc. you can call the director Max McClintock at ###-###-####, and he can have them mail out a packet to you.

R.:

It is a hard age, but he needs to work this out himself. My almost 10yo can be more of a loner, but sometimes it is because he just needs the peace & quiet. Make sure your son knows that you are 100% available for him to talk too- see if there is a teacher that he has been able to 'bond' with that could also be a source to talk with. Is there an activity that he was enjoying at his other school that you can help him re discover in your new location?

I also caution you (and other too)not to devulge too much info about yourself online- we now know where your son goes to school and where you are living- information best given as a pm, not in a public forum.

Good luck and try not to blame yourself. It is a struggle to parent and work, and we can only do what we think is best--and yes much easier said than done.

I feel for you and your son. I know there is a lot of info now available on bullying for kids who're getting bullied on how to deal w/ it. Being new at this age can be difficult. Is it possible for your son to have contact w/ his friends from Westchester while he is transitioning to his new area? It could be very helpful in his transitioning so he can have a sense of where he came from and if they could visit w/ him in your new apt.- sleepovers and day visits, would be very good for him to integrate his life in Westchester into his life now in Nanuet. (It could help w/ the kids who're giving him the negative attention too- to see him w/ his friends). It is important for your son to know that it often happens when one is new (especially at his age group) that other kids can test him but that he need not succomb to it- that it doesn't last.
It is normal for him to not want his parent(s) to be around or intervening for him (although I would speak to the parents - discretely- of the other kids too letting them know that your son was embarrassed when the other kids let him know that you'd spoken w/ them- to ask if they could address it w/o letting their kids know that you'd spoken to them. They could say they'd seen something or another neighbor for instance to keep your speaking w/ them anonymous. Especially as you are at work and your son is keeping the info from you know - he doesn't want to be further embarrassed or ridiculed by those kids.) You need to know that it does not get out of hand and that your child is safe. Also important is that he can come to feel comfortable in his new place (and these kids may soon want to become friends w/ him) and with himself in dealing w/ this until the behavior stops. He will then find new confidence in dealing w/ adversity and see that it passes with his overcoming it & handling it well!
I am a Social Worker who used to work w/ kids in the city (and in this age group - this is common behavior unfortunately) til I moved up here in Pearl River this past year. I will check some of those websites tomorrow and email them back to you for you & your son. IN the meantime I can tell you that if you check out the Children & youth website info on the NYS.org websites and type in bullying, you'll probably find useful info for your son in dealing w/ this & understanding the others' behaviors so that he will come to know that it is their inappropriate (although appropriate for their age) way of expressing and testing what they are curious about w/ a new teen in their age group. That this has NOTHING to do w/ him although he can feel that it is and you don'[t want him to internalize this.
If those kids see your son around other kids / people they will soon back off!! Can he go to a basketball group or other community site / camps where he can make friends?
GOOD LUCK and please feel free to email me and I'll get the other info for you!

C.

Dear R. P,

Your son will change soon, so stay hopeful, take him to the library, tell him to read great interesting books also. He will soon meet other children in his age group with simular interest. Moving to a new location take time to settle down. You just pray and teach him to read the bible also. Your son will develope self confidence and help himself with God's help.

A.

I am going to attempt to give advice without having children of that age. Mine are very little. But it seems like maybe you should have him join some other groups. Since he is interested in basketball, as you said he plays a bit, maybe he can join a basketball team outside of school. It would give him another chance to make friends with a different group of kids. Also, maybe get him some help. Maybe he needs to speak with someone other than his mother about what has been happening to him when he tries to make friends. Maybe he's afraid b/c of all the bad experiences he's had in the past and the bad encounters he's currently having with other boys. That could prevent him from even trying to make new friends even if the opportunity presents itself.
I know it must be hard to get him help when you really want him to talk to you about everything, but sometimes that is just what they need.
But I really do think that some after-school activities might also help him.

It sounds like you interfere with his business too much. I have 3 boys and some are more social than others but yes, that happens, your son may not socializing with others as much as you want him to. Also these days kids socializing differently than we did 20-30 years ago. For instance, my oldest son who is 14 now is not friendly kid. He didn't seem to have much interested in having play date. then I realized that he is interacting with his friends through computer games. I thought he should have more face to face interaction but I think we should know that time is different now than when I used to go outside to play with other kids. Your son is entering sensitive age. It's pretty normal that boys don't want to do much with their parents. But since you work full time, you may want to show interest in what he's doing. R., your son has to become mature without your protection. Of course, if someone is physically hurting him, you have right to take action but other than that, I don't think you should interfere too much. If there's anything you can do, it is to make sure you have good communication with your son which is for pre-teen, show your interest and care without bugging too much. By the way, I live in Tomkins Cove, not so far from Nanuet.

Dear R., If this would be my son I would leave him alone. He has to learn some valuable lessons about life and this he only can learn through his own experiences. Even so they might be painful. If you interfere to much in his social life he will feel even more ashamed of his own inability to handle "difficulties" which he will meet plenty in his destiny. At this age children have to separate from the parents. Like birds they start to spread their wings to feel their "size". But they are not ready to fly yet. Leave him alone he can handle it. Nature has a remarkable way of healing itself, the soul always will look for ways to become balanced, which is a healing process in itself. Tell him stories about people who overcame their stumbling blocks. Read him the biblical story of Job for example or the story of Christ and his crucifixion and a specially emphasize the ascension. Go to the library and ask for books of different mythological heroes. This will give his soul the needed strength to overcome every situation he will meet in the future. If you interfere to much he will not develop the know how, how to experience pain, over come it, and become a hero. Through feeling and learning about pain he can become later a social healer. You are still his teacher, show him how you are overcoming your own pain. this will be more valuable to him then going around and punishing his class mates. Teach him about forgiving others and him- and yourself.
Love, B.