11 Year Old Step Daughter Acting like a Brat!

I hate to generalize, but 11 is the gateway age.
It opened up a whole new range of attitudes, behaviours and personalities for my daughter and I.
(Slacking on room cleaning, arguing every little thing I said...)
The best advice I can give is, be patient,be understanding that they're dealing with the not a kid but not a teen thing. Getting her out with kids her own age, but in a positive environment. Non competetive Tae Kwon Do in our case. She's been empowered and much more responsible since
joining MAPI.
Link to MAPI: http://www.mapionline.org/

1 mom found this helpful

hi J. how's it going i hope it has gotin better . for you i have only young kids but i have been a nanny for 14yrs and done a lot with other's children so i would say that she may be having a hard time dealing with losind her mom and geting a new one i now it's been a while but some times kids go thrgh a honymoon stage where they do realy well for the first year or so a n then thay get comfy with you and then the anger comes out if you always talk to her she my tell you whats wrong i hope she will tell you if you don't thank that that is it then maybe she has a new freind and is folling ther lead it hapens that kids get freinds and they treat there parents bad and so she my try to do to you what they do to there parents so check for new friends if you ever whant to work from home call me 1-###-###-#### i hope this helps S.

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WHAT HAPPENED GIRL? OBVIOUSLY THOSE WHO RESPONDED THAT WAY DONT HAVE ANY 11 YEAR OLD HUH. MY 11 YEAR OLD LIL BRO IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME DREAD HAVING MY DAUGHTER AT THAT AGE BUT THE TIME WILL COME. HOPE YOU ARE DOING OKAY

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This sounds so much like my daughter. How did her mom die and how long ago? Did she ever deal with it?
Don't ever let the words "you're not my mom" penetrate. That is one thing I learned real quick with my daughter. I finally started looking her stone cold in the face and saying "You're right... if I were, you wouldn't be acting this way because I would have never left you like your mom did. But her choice is not our fault so you can make it hard or you can make it easy." I realize this exact statement wouldn't help you... my daughters egg donor chose to leave and rarely pops up.
She may be testing you... granted, her real mom maybe didn't choose to leave, but she is gone still... and she may not know if you will leave also. Especially if she hasn't dealt with her moms death... that would mean that to her, leave is leaving no matter if you chose to walk out or you died. It would also mean to her, that her mom had a choice and chose to leave her... the same as you might. Therefore, if she pushes you away, it won't hurt when you go, or die.
It seems kind of like this would have taken place before now, but this is actually the exact time that it would happen... she's gotten to love you and she knows that. A year ago, she could have lived with you... no biggie. 6 months ago, she would have missed you, but hey... she's been there before. Now... it's serious, she really loves you and every time she thinks about how much she loves you... she also thinks about how much she loved her mom and her mom left, for whatever reason.
My best advice is to tell her that you love her and you're not going anywhere... every chance you get. However, don't give her the special attention and go out of your way for her... she needs to know she's just like the rest of the kids. Treating her different, even better, will make her feel like she's not "yours"... like you're trying to make up for something, which will be a reminder of her loss. There will also come a time, and this may be part of what you're dealing with now... that she expects this treatment and she just acts spoiled, like she can do whatever she wants. This was part of the case with my daughter... not with me, because I don't bend over backwards for her... I actually expect more from her because she's the oldest of our 4. But, her dad always "gave in" because he felt bad that she was the only one who really missed their "mom"... she had a bond with her, she felt the pain when she left, etc. the other two were too young and didn't have enough bond with her to even care.
Feel free to write me if you would like... I'll talk all you want.

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I'm sorry that I can't offer much advice because my only child is only 16 months, but I can tell you what I've read, used on students (I taught 5th grade and substitute part-time now), and learned from my own childhood.

Yes, you are right - she is at that age where is she going to rebel, it's natural, don't take it personally. But some important tips to follow:
1) Keep your cool. If you can't, then tell her to go to her room or sit on the couch while you decide what the consequences of her actions will be.
2) Don't threaten. Only say it if you mean it. You should have taken her "own room" privledge away the first time you saw her disobeying after you said that would be the consequence. And then you should have started moving at least a few of her things into the other room. (By the way, I myself lost my own room privledge while I was in 9th grade and I hated sharing a room with my 6 year old stepsister). And the other half of this, don't make consequences you can't follow through on - like telling her to leave and packing her bag. She'll eventually see right through that and won't care when you say it because she knows it's not going to happen.
3)Don't fight with her. Walk away, send her out of the room. She will not respect you if you act like her - yelling, losing your temper, and such.

I know it's very hard to keep calm when a smartass child is talking back to you and sometimes you will lose your temper in front of them. BUT for the most part, you need to be the adult and it's okay to walk away or send them away while you calm down and decide what you are going to do with them. With a child this age it's okay if consequences are delayed for even a few hours or until dad gets home (so you decide together) just be sure to make she knows that and enforce a no fun activity time until then. I hope that I was able to be of some help to you.

Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if your mom died when your a little girl and from what this sounds like you have absolutely no compassion for her. You aren't her real mom and you never will be no matter how much you love her or she loves you. That has got to be so hard and it's completely heartbreaking that you would treat her so badly. I know that kids can make you so crazy you think your going to lose your mind but you need to understand what she is going thru as well instead of yelling at her maybe you should try talking to her and find out why she is acting like this instead yelling at her and hurting her and she really needs counsling that's alot for a little girl to handle.