11 Year Old Son Trouble Following Instructions

I., don't lose your temper with him. It actually is ADD. There are 2 types. He has the kind my 11 yr old has. Absent minded, disorganized, loses things, drops his pencil 50 times while doing homework, difficulty finishing classwork, can't remember 2-3 step instructions, etc. There are two types of it the hyperactive type and then the type I just described. My son started meds for it in 4th grade. His self esteem was really low, he was down, called himself stupid, etc. Believe me we struggled with the decision but in the end I didn't want him to spiral down further. He is doing amazingly well on the med and for the most part we are glad we started it. Good luck. Research ADHD/ADD on the internet and you will see what I mean.

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If your son is spacey and forgetful, he may be pretty disorganized, too. If he's not improving in spite of punishments he hates, it's entirely possible he really can't remember, and the punishments might only be adding one more confounding layer of static for him to deal with. Just because he's not hyper doesn't mean he doesn't have ADHD or some similar brain dysfunction. He could be exhibiting the symptoms that are more common in girls, who tend to get dreamy and detached, but not hyper.

I've gone through some periods of my life in which I had to write myself notes for everything, leave them everywhere, or I space things out. Believe me, I'd rather remember – it's awkward and embarrassing to forget important things, miss appointments, etc.

Part of my problem is that I've become highly sensitive to all sorts of chemicals, and when I've been exposed to somebody's perfume, an air "freshener" in a public toilet, too much auto exhaust, or a host of other common chemicals, I can almost feel my brains falling out, in addition to distracting physical symptoms. I feel dull and vacant, and whatever I had on my mind previously tends to be gone. It might be worth getting your son checked for allergy and sensitivities, because these really can have mental effects. Some common food colors and preservatives are now proven brain disrupters.

I've also heard that hormone changes around puberty can seriously affect both moods and mental function, so if this is getting worse as he gets older, that could be a contributing factor.

Please do your son a huge favor and get him evaluated. I'm guessing you'll be surprised by the results, and it will also give you a specific direction i which to move to address this problem. Meanwhile, would it be possible to ask his teachers to email you his assignments so you can help be sure he gets them done?

And instead of punishing, how about asking him how HE would address his forgetfulness? If he's put more in control of finding a solution, he may be able to come up with strategies that he can get behind. There's a lovely book that will help you explore this option, as well as give effective strategies for all sorts of common parenting problems: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

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He's not good at something, so he gets punished. I just don't understand punishing kids who are not adept at doing schoolwork, and not good at being organized. How many adults do you know who have these same problems? Would you punish them?

Find what he IS good at, and nourish that. The boy is probably never going to be a scholar. That's what the trades are for.

Here's something from a website called: http://www.collegeinfo.com/careers-in-the-trades

"Skilled trade jobs are currently in high demand. Many pay substantially more than four-year degrees. But trade careers have become less popular and this is causing a nation-wide shortage. Companies are concerned that soon they will not have enough skilled workers, making careers in the trades a hot commodity.

Did you know that many skilled tradesmen easily earn over $40,000 a year? That is a much higher salary than that of a beginning teacher or accountant (who are often still paying guaranteed student loans after four or five years of college). But trade careers that often only require a less expensive two-year degree are in high demand and don’t leave you with huge student loans to pay back."

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Kids not being focused is quite common. Especially in school, it really isn't that engaging for most kids. Does he focus on a movie? Video Game? or other activity that he likes? What about meal times, or following instructions for activities that he is engaged in? Just because a child is off task or unfocused in school does not mean they are ADD or ADHD or anything else...sometimes it is just boredom. And yes, that is my professional opinion as a retired special needs teacher.

Here are some general suggestions that may help him and you get through you days more smoothly.

My ideas will be VERY general, if you want more specifics then you have to connect with me (____@____.com). These suggestions come from working with Special Needs students both in and out of the classroom for over 20 years.

1. Get a shoulder bag - not a back pack - it is shaped more like the books and papers that he needs to put in. Shoving is next to impossible. AND it will only fit what he absolutely needs. Not just "anything that will fit".

2. Have a checklist in every room of the house for what needs to be completed before he leaves that room. The classroom included. Get the teacher on board to give him an extra 2-4 mins to get organized at the end of the day.

3. Have pictures of reminders – EX: by the door a picture of him holding his bag with everything in it with a smile on his face. His subconscious brain will see it and internalize the memory and make it real.

4. Homework - this is not ADD specific - MOST kids have challenges with homework...you would too if you work all day then in the evening as well. Homework should be limited anyway. Set up 2 days a week where he gets to stay after school to complete his assignments IN THE CLASSROOM with teacher or parent supervision. That way he will not have to bring it home and risk "losing it" (Honestly, in my opinion, Homework is the most ridiculous invention- they just worked for 6 hours at school now they have to work more at home? You have got to be kidding me...when do they get to get be kids????)

5. YOU MUST STOP fighting with him. Habits can be changed in 30 days. Give him the time and the tools to change the habits that do not serve him. Punishment does not work, reinforcement does.

6. What are you feeding her? Lack of focus stems from diet. All my clients and their families start they day with this: www.BestBreakfastEver.com.

I., be patient with him. You and he will figure this out. And keep in mind, some of the greatest minds of our time were unable to focus in school: Ansel Adams, photographer; Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone; Hans Christian Anderson, author; Beethoven; Terry Bradshaw, football quarterback; Jim Carrey, Actor; Prince Charles; Cher; Agatha Christie; Salvador Dali, Leonardo da Vinci; Walt Disney; Henry Ford; Magic Johnson, JFK; John D Rockefeller; even Albert Einstein…I could go on…maybe you have a genius in your family...let him blossom into who he is meant to be, not who the school system thinks he should be.

B.
Family Success Coach

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He may not be ADHD, but he sounds ADD.. There is a difference, and your son fits the profile.

I agree he may just be scattered and so you will have to help HIM figure out what is going to work. Get his teacher to give some hints also..

My husband was and still is exactly like this..
Consider having your son tested. It really is a life changer.

My husbands parents did not believe in medications and treated as if this was a shameful thing.. He still refuses to take meds for it.. As an adult with ADD or ADHD you are never cured.. it also gets worse as he ages.. I have known him since he was 13.. His life could be SO much easier if he would have been allowed help.. Instead we deal with it every day..

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All the unintentional forgetfulness AND the poor handwriting, without hyperactivity - Sounds like ADD to me, also. My gifted son continues to forget everyday rules like raising his hand before speaking out. His teacher insists he's NOT hyperactive, but extremely polite, calm and wellbehaved. Then really hard on himself when he keeps 'forgetting' the little things.

The dopamine neurotransmitter controls impulsive reactions, the ability to remember, and motor skills (hence poor handwriting). Remember this when seeking treatment for him.

Consider having him tested by a neuropsychologist to confirm any diagnosis. There are non-stimulant drugs that can help with ADD - or - try natural remedies like Brightspark and Focus, which has been most succesful for my son.

On a personal note, I have ADD myself, and didn't get diagnosed until I reached my 40's. Although highly successful in school and my career, I was never organized and always anxious because of the consequences. My self esteem plummeted also. I now take Concerta at only 18mg a day - huge difference. It has calmed me down a lot and I'm more organized and able to focus. It's been a HUGE boost to my self-esteem.

Before I forget, there is also an online ____@____.com made specifically for ADD/ADHD students. You input your deadlines, appointments, and daily reminders and it will send txt messages to your phone. This app has been a lifesaver for me! If you can allow your kid a phone with texting, this will be extremely helpful for him. (consider putting a gps tracking device on it -for obvious reasons. lol)

Your son needs an advocate. At this age, kids depend on us for the answers. I know how frustrating it is to feel like you always have to 'be on top' of him. This time, try picking him up. You know you raised a good kid. But if he's struggling anyway, then you might have to get some professional help for him. It's no reflection on you or your parenting skills.

Big hugs!

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Is this the first time he's had this problem? Or has he always been like this??? Like a scatter-brained professor?

Maybe he does not know how to 'organize' himself....
Maybe he has learning problems? How are his grades?
Can he understand what is told to him or asked of him or instructions? Or is he just lazy???

Since no punishments work... then it won't work. Ever. Because that is not addressing his problem... or inability... or whatever is going on....

Have you talked to the Doctor???
Does he need glasses?
Any learning disabilities???

Unless the foundation of the issue is pinpointed... then I really don't think punishments will work. It has never worked thus far. So something else is going on... which maybe he cannot voluntarily control... or he just does not understand....

I don't know... ?

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I., \

Good news! you don't know what you don't know about ADHD. You are describing one of the kinds of ADHD, without hyperactivity, and there is treatment and plenty of help out there that will help him!

Get him to a Developmental Pediatrician or a psychiatrist/ neuropsychologist evaluation combination and write a letter to your school district asking for an evaluation. He should also see an occupational therapist about the handwriting, and request that he be given something called the CHES (children's handwriting evaluation scale.) Your school should provide services for him in school that will make him more educationally functional. He should have assistance to remember the things he is forgetting, reminders, cues, extra time, and many other interventions to help him with this.

You should provide the lions share of what he needs because this is a medical condition (if that is what the qualified doctor finds.) That will include some combination many hours per week of: Cognative behavioral therapy, play therapy, social skills classes, Occupational therapy, speech therapy, and medical, educational, and behavioral interventions. It is a lot of hard work for your sons doctors, therapists, teachers, you and your son, but it does produce results and he can feel better.

ADHD (even without the hyperactivity) is a medical condition that comes about because of an issue in the brain. Brain cells do not touch. There is a tiny space between each one called a synapse. Our thoughts are carried through our brains via electrical impulses, and when they reach the synapes, our bodies produce neurotransmitters, chemicals, to carry the throught accross the space. It happens hundreds of millions of times a second. If your son does not produce enough neurotransmitters or the neurotransmitters on his brain cells are damaged, he cannot keep thoughts going with any reliablity, and he "forgets." He can't fix this without targeted help. His thoughts just stop, not all of them, but many of them....and that he can pay attention to something does not mean that he is doing this on purpose, it means that that part of his brain that processes the information he can do is not effected or is less effected. ADHD is manefested in the prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain that is in your forehead, and this area does many of the organizational tasks and executive function that he has difficulty with. You cannot punnish him enough for his brain to make more, or better use of his nuerotransmitters. It is counter productive to tell him that could do a good job yesterday, or last week, or any time that he did not loose track, when his brain helped him to carry that thought, and then to say that that success is evidence that his brain did not lose track when it happens, and yet, teachers and parents beat kids over the head with their success all the time as a reason that their brains were not reliable on the times that they lose track. If you do this, I would stop right now, it eats away at them and they really cannot control the chemicals their brains produce.

Find out for sure, get a diagnosis, get the school involved, and do some reading about what ADHD is and isn't. You don't know what you don't know, and it is probably nothing like you think or the popular myth you have heard about. Read anything by Dr. Mel Levine or Dr. Russel Barkely. Go to the CHADD website and get additudes magizine. Log on to www.wrightslaw.com and learn about school advocacy.

M.

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My 12 y.o. son is the same way. He even lost his multi-day ticket to Disney World! It's not a question of motivation and punishment. If he won the lottery, he'd lose the ticket on the way to redeem it, or forget where he put it. If you continue to punish him for something that is genuinely a huge struggle for him, it may cause him to eventually become defiant. Some adults who are very intelligent are also very disorganized and forgetful and truly struggle with it. Some kids need extra help and patience to learn math. Other kids need extra help to learn strategies for organizing and remembering things. You will need to coordinate with teachers to put systems in place, and backups for the system so that he can still do his homework when he forgets. Use natural consequences rather than punishments. Teach him strategies and back-up plans, with great patience; think about some subject or skill that was especially difficult for you to learn, and encourage an attitude of "we're all on the same team" with your son, instead of the punitive approach that hasn't worked. For some kids, it is a matter of attitude and motivation, and for them, punishment may work, but that doesn't sound like your son and I know it didn't work for my son.

I sent my son to a psychologist who specializes in testing and diagnosing children. He does not prescribe meds or see kids long term, he is a diagnostic expert (as well as a school psychologist). He used software to test my son and his brain reacts more slowly in certain situations than a normal kid his age, even though he is above normal in intelligence. My son has ADD, but not ADHD. It was useful to get the diagnosis to (a) confirm that my son's brain truly does work a bit differently, and it's not just a matter of "not caring" enough to remember, (b) to suggest behavioral modifications and learning strategies that may help, and (c) to get the school's cooperation in developing systems & back-up plans. Some kids who have ADD benefit from meds, but that's often not necessary.

My son also has poor handwriting, which can go along with his dyslexia (which was also diagnosed).

Again, consider whether your son has a poor attitude & poor motivation with regard to his homework, or a bad memory and poor organization and/or attentional skills & abilities.

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One thing that comes to mind is MSG. Alot of kids get affected by it and by other artificial additives in food and drinks and MSG is hidden under many names. You'll find lists on the web.

My encouragement would be to find a good holistic / natural M.D. and get help that way. It is so worth the effort to find a doctor who will help you locate the root cause of an issue instead of just treating the symptoms.

There are some supps that help some people with focus. I think L-theanine and L-carnitine may be two of them. You could research on the web. But his diet may be the big culprit in his case. He may really desire to be "good" but I've had personal experience reacting to chemicals and they can literally make you feel so odd and even aggressive. That reminds me.... new carpeting is often giving off formaldehyde, new cabinets are giving off fumes, all perfumed items are actually full of chemicals and even laundry soap (residue on his pillow case!) can really bother some people. We use unscented laundry soap and no dryer sheet.

I hope you find some good solutions. I know it's so hard on you. I'm sure it's really hard on him too and I'm guessing he can't help himself right now much.

Here are a couple of sites for hunting out natural docs....

http://integrativeholisticdoctors.org/D/Search/index.cfm?...

http://ahha.org/ahhasearch.asp

Working with natural MD's has been a huge blessing to our kids.

Blessings, Ali in IL

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Hi I., your post describes my 12 y/o son exactly. You can read my desperate posts about HW issue. My kid is sweet, smart, not hyper but extremely "relaxed" when it comes to important things....
Yes, my husband and I are very involved in his HW process plus we assign him tons of extra activities like essays, study words, math problems, reading to do so he stays ahead of the game and if he misses anything at school he does not fall too behind. We absolutely demand good penmanship when he completes HW, at school - we have no controll, so he writes bad, but when he brings it home we make him rewrite, just so next time he tries harder to avoid rewriting it. I told him that he is bright and smart (which is true and I will not let his learning disability (whatever it is) to ruin his chances in life).
For forgetfullness, I teach and remind constantly for him to make lists, planners and notes for himself.
The latest success - he tidies his room daily and makes his bed every morning without reminder! I achieved this by telling him that if he does it in the morning - when he comes from school I will give him a BIG hug. Positive reinforsment worked. I need for him to keep his closets tidy as well - gotta come up with something.
He is doing sports a lot, that helps memory and growing new brain cells.
I do not like the punishment idea at all and have to remind my DH a lot to stay calm with him as this ignorant/forgetful behavior can be very irritating. I tell my DH if his son was a cripple, would he yell at him to move his legs faster? No... So find another way.
It is not easy. I ignored all the advise that people gave me about just letting the kid fail and learn. Did it in a past when he was in lower grades, did not worked. He failed and did not cared a bit!
I stay in touch with teachers a lot, my son knows that and it helps to keep him in line at school. I will keep up with this until I can. I told my brother (he was saying that what we do is too much) that when I was school age my mom made me change every day from school uniform to home clothes after school and I hated it, and made me clean up my desk, and other things, well, guess what, it is so much in my blood now that when I come home, I go and change immediately, and if something delays me - I feel weird. That is what I want for my son to learn, that even if he some day will not do the right thing - that little woice on the back of his mind will nag him. Actualy, yesterday, I brought a slice of pizza in his room (broke the rule, by the way, we never allow any food beyond the dining room) while he was reading and he told me "Mom, not here, the crumbs may fall on my bed - I will come out and eat it". That was ultimate victory.
He is not playing any games, never had and never will until he lives in my house - and this is not a punishment, just a rule. He helps me cook and enjoys it, we dance together. I try to have many positive experiences and not to dwell on the negative. I always tell him that if he had a bad day - he can try to fix it tomorrow.
I can tell you that it is very easy to be a parent of a great child. You do not to remind, nag, bribe or punish. All you have to do is burst with pride all the time and feel good about yourself even if you have nothing to do with your kid being the way he/she is. My younger boy is like that: perfect in every way, mature. This Sunday he went to pee and saw dryed up bm in the toilet in the children's bathroom, he asked me who did that and I told him it was probably his brother. The little guy went to his big brother's room, asked him to follow him to the bathroom, pointed at the toilet and said :"Did you do that?" The big guy said "I don't know, maybe..." , the little guy said "I did not do poo-poo so it is yours, clean up, please and don't do it again". The big guy was probably still confused and sleepy or did not had a comeback, just took the brush and cleaned up. I was there the whole time and was trying hard not to laugh.
What I am trying to say is that it is much more difficult, time consuming and exausting to be a parent of "difficult" child. Hang in there, keep at it. Set the goals high for your child, even if he doesn't reach them - he will end up coming a long way. Be positive, try not to punish. More positive experiences. Expect and demand more. Do not give up.
Good luck.

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I feel your pain! I have the same problem with my daughter who just turned 10, only not quite as bad. I know she doesn't have ADHD either but I have thought maybe a mild form of ADD? I have read with that one that they aren't hyper but have problems concentrating or keeping focus. Sometimes it's so bad I have to sit at the table and watch her do her homework to make sure she stays on track, I also have to repeat instructions several times before they sink in. I would request an evaluation from his school or a dr. I'm thinking about doing that also just to rule it out. Punishments aren't doing much for me either. Sometimes they work if it's something she really wants so that makes me know she is capable and wonder how much of it is just not caring and slacking off on her part. I don't know if your son has this attitude but I can tell my daughter is not concerned with doing well in school and just wants to get by, which again makes me think there isn't any other issue going on. But I'm interested in others responses as I have the same problem, good luck hope it gets better for both of us!

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Wow...this is my 11 year old son exactly!! I just met with his teachers and counselors yesterday. Organization and Handwriting are huge issues for him. Thank you for posting, I am reading through all the comments and will do some research myself.

It may be ADD. I had a student once who had very similar behaviors. His parents and I were so frustrated because he was bright but wasn't performing to his ability and was falling further and further behind. They decided to have him tested for ADD and put him on the lowest dose of meds possible. It made a world of difference. He could actually read for more than a few minutes and his chicken scratch handwriting became legible. I could go on and on. I feel like way too many kids are put on meds for ADD and ADHD but sometimes it is necessary. Having said that, there are many alternatives to meds that I would try first. The first step is finding a qualified dr. who can test him, one who won't immediately put him on meds.

I.,

Have you had him checked for ADD? punishing him is not going to work if he is having problem that he can not control. I help people with health issues and I have helped kids with ADD that has gotten great results through taking Nutritional Supplements that is safe and very effective. I can connect you with other moms whos kids had similar issues.

Let me know if interested and I will be happy to help.

A.

You have a lot of good advice here. Two points I'd like to make - 2 of my sons are ADD/Dyslexic and they are both Honors class students, the older one has graduated college, the younger in college doing fine. Having ADD does not mean you can't be a scholar. Second, I read an article on Stephen Cannell (writer, novelist, actor) where he said he was a success "because" of his Dyslexia not "in spite of it". It changed totally the way I looked at the boys problems and how we addressed them. Get the assistance you need for your son, it will be well worth it. Good luck to you!

Hi I.,

You could be describing my son!!! He dd all those things and I did all the grounding and punishment also. It did not work....

He began doing these same things in the 6th grade. At first I thought is was due to structure change; going from elementary to middle school. Then I began doing some research. He was diagnosed with Inattentive ADD - not ADHD as there was no hyperactivity in the equation.

It was not an easy diagnosis for me to hear as I hold with the notion that too many of our children are medicated for ADHD too quickly. But his inability to perform tasks, his getting poor grades because of failure to complete work and stay on task, his getting punished all the time, was negatively impacting his self esteem. He had just decided he was "dumb" and begun to give up on himself. So I went the medication route - again I did more research and found a medication called Focalin which addressed ADD only - it does not treat hyperactivity.

And, you know what? It worked. My son said it kept him from "daydreaming" while in class so he could focus on his work. It was worn off my the time he came home - but so what...I could deal with keeping him on task during home work time. And he did not take it weekends, holidays or summer. It was simply a Mon-Friday school day thing.

He took it for about two years, and this year, going into 9th, he decided to do without. He is struggling a little - but now has the maturity to better stay focused on a task.

Other tricks that I used was helping to keep him organized and teaching him organizational techniques. Planners, and checking through backpacks when he arrives from school and again in the morning before he leaves.

Please don't rule out that he has an organic problem that causes his behavior. Check out http://ezinearticles.com/?14-Point-Checklist-For-Identify...
and talk to your pediatrician. I hated having my son "labeled" but once I realized what was going on and got it treated it made a world of difference to my son.

Good Luck

If you get any response I would be interested in hearing what they are. We have a 14 year old grandson that lives with us and he sounds just like your child. He tells my husband that the main reason he does what he does is because he knows it upsets me. He loves to read, but refuses to do his homework and does not seem to care that his grades are awful. His Algebra teacher has told me that if he would just turn in his work he could have a B+ in the class. We don't know what to do anymore.
Thanks

ADHD and attention disorders do not always manifest with hyperactivity. Sometimes they do manifest with underactivity. So I would still have him tested. The handwriting could be related to disgraphia, which is often related to language processing. I would have him tested at Excel Pediatrics in Rockwall if that is in your area. They are amazing and super talented there.

VickiS

He may not have ADHD, but he sounds like he has ADD. There are many natural alternatives and neurofeedback has been known to help. You can look up Lind Mood Bell, or Learning RX, Or Interactive Metronome, Or Dr. Jonanthan Walker in Dallas,
LC

Please have your son evaluated by an optometrist who specializes in Vision Therapy. Kids will say "I forgot" when they aren't fully comprehending what they read. Many attention deficit kiddos have problems with comprehension that can be solved with VT.

rdiconnect.com is a website that can give you lots of tools. Even though he doesn't have ADHD, if he has trouble concentrating, the tools they have for ADHD kids will work with him because he isn't concentrating & they've found tools that help teach better skills.

I would approach this as a family. Everyone helping and working to figure it out. Don't leave him alone with this. Be a team and together work and search to find skill builders to help him. Figuring this out in childhood is so much easier than trying to tackle it as an adult. Let him know you always love him, are on his side, and will continue to help him find a way to be successful.

I love the book Parenting With Love and Logic by Cline & Fay. They have a book that deals specifically with teens and I recommend it. If you have him tested and there aren't any physical reasons for his forgetfulness then I think Love & Logic has great pearls of wisdom. It's made a big difference in our family. It's about the child owning the problem instead of the parents. As long as the parent is owning the problem, the kiddo doesn't need to be concerned. It truly is a great read and you could probably find it at the library. I found my copies at Half Price Books, but there are also copies on half.com

Blessings!
L.

You son may have ADHD - Inattentive Type. He sounds just like my daughter, who takes a high dose of medication for it. She did her homework, but it never made it to the teacher. At the end of the school year it would be in the bottom of her locker, but she would swear that the teacher lost it. If he has ADD, then he seriously doesn't remember to do things, or gets distracted and doesn't realize he didn't do them. Anyway, my daughter literally could not function successfully without this medication...she is 22 years old and can tell me how different she feels when she takes it...in a very good way! She holds a steady job and attends college full time AND has multiple learning disabilities on top[ of the ADD. Good luck to you and your son...it will get better.

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