April 20, 2011,
J.F. asks from Bloomfield, NJ on April 19, 2011
11 Year Old Son's Best Friend Made up a Lie About Him
My 11 year old's best friend at school suddenly told my son he wasn't his friend and started to snub him. My son coudn't get him to tell him the reason, and another girl said that he was telling everyone that my son called him a "black idiot", (the boy is African American.). Up until now, this boy seemed like a good kid. My son is very smart and not "accepted" by the cool kids. He attends a private school where most kids are wealthy and we are not (we get considerable financial aid). The boy was questioned by the teacher and told her that another child told him that my son had made this remark but he couldn't remember who. He then gave a name and this boy was questioned and vehemently denied it as dod my son. Bottom line is we think the boy made up the whole incident. Motives? Attention seeking? Likes high drama? He has lied before to me and to my son but his one really went too far... he tried to defile my son's character and then get another child in trouble. Principal and teacher are not contacting his parents. I know his father well as the boy has been to my home and has done things with my family. Should lI call him and talk to him? At this point, I told my son to stay away from him as he can't be trusted and is not a friend. He even had the nerve the other day to pretend to be angry at my son and when my son asked him why he was being cold, he said, "Because I feel like it." I told my son that he should be apologizing for his previouly lies and behavior, and yet he has shown no signs of remorse.
So What Happened?™
Thanks so much for all of your kind responses and advice. I am going to see how things go for a little while. Unfortunately, this boy was my son's only friend at school. He has a few friends outside of school but doesn't get to see them often, so this is very hard on him and I think that perhaps the other boy is aware of my son's need which makes him that much more vulnerable and he is taking advantage of this and actually being abusive. Oh, and by the way, I am a sub at the school and have this boy in my class sometimes. I have noticed that over the past few weeks, he no longer smiles and says hello to me in the halls and can't look me in the eye. I may not go out of my way to speak with dad, but if I happen to see him, I may mention that I'd like to speak with him privately. Thanks again for all of your support!! I'll let you know what ultimately transpires!
G.T. answers from Modesto on April 19, 2011
There might be something going on in the home of that boy that is causing him to act out. People tend to hurt the ones they care about the most when they have pain of their own for some reason.
3 moms found this helpful
M.H. answers from New York on April 20, 2011
I would talk to his fatehr. It sounds like this is only going to get worst. Maybe his father needs to talk with him and maybe its something he needs and has nothing to do with you son. Your son is in the middle of something else. Something is bothering this kid and it needs to be addressed. Good Luck! :)
1 mom found this helpful
L.B. answers from Biloxi on April 19, 2011
First, please know that the "cool kids" are only cool in the micro-environment of the school and, as I tell my "uncool son", usually peak in high school. While our boys will go on to be wonderfully successful adults leaving middle and high school far behind.
Next, I vote for talking to the other boy's father. Calmly and gently, explain what transpired at school, and that, although you respect his son's right to end the friendship, you and your son are disappointed in the falsehoods and outright coldness that his son his displaying. While I believe in letting our kids work some things out between them - when it involves racial slurs and one party dragging other school mates into the fray - then it is time for the parents to intervene. BUT, talk to your son first and make sure he is comfortable with your talking to the other boy's father, since this affects him the most.
Boys are rotten at this age...mine had issues with some of the boys in 6th grade (at 11 years old) as he was the new kid in the school and, honestly, one of two boys with "hippie" hair in a school rampant with crew cuts. He caved and cut his hair off by the fall that year - realized the differences ran deeper than his hair, made friends, learned to ignore the "haters" and now, in 9th grade, has hippie hair and lots of diverse friends.
Long way of saying that this will pass. Your son will find a niche, and friends that will accept him for who he is, not what he wears or how he looks.
Good Luck and God Bless
1 mom found this helpful
M.T. answers from New York on April 20, 2011
This boy isn't your son's friend. He is not acting like a friend. Your son would be better off without him. I don't have the popular kids either. My 11 year old son doesn't have a lot of friends - he's not into sports and video games. Get your son involved in activities where he'll meet kids with similar interests. My son gets a lot of his socialization from scouts and 4H.