11-Year-old Boy Who Resists Bathing

I would talk to the soccer coach - kids, particularly boys, will often listen to the coach but not to their moms. All athletes "hit the showers" after games. A quick rinse won't take a lot of time, and it's part of adolescent hygiene. Also check with the school about how they introduce this topic in health or phys ed classes. I'm sure other boys have the same issues.

There have been a lot of issues about viruses and other serious illnesses that result from kids doing things like not washing their uniforms all season, and locker rooms not being washed down. The MRSA virus was just in the news. Get the schools and whatever association runs the soccer teams (the town, the league) to hand out information sheets about expectations for athletes. This is a serious issue and not just a question of kids stewing in their own sweat.

Good luck.

I'm not at this stage, but I know boys love a challenge. What if you got a timer and made it a race- he has to be acceptably clean by your standards before the timer goes off if he can do it you take off a minute the next time, maybe there is some type of reward at after so many challenges are met. It might be fun and won't keep him up much later but make your life a little more enjoyable!

What about that Big Daddy movie, with Adam Sandler? not sure if it is too old for him, but he has a talk with the teacher who explains he is being ostracized, and sandler says, oh, no, he is the "gross boy?" Maybe he would just pick up on that? It is a touchy subject, you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you know he needs to learn about grooming and hygene, sorry for the spelling. Maybe have bath time be before he gets tv? Or something else he likes? Good luck!

Hi S.,
I have a 12-year-old son, and we've experienced some of the same issues. If he's not sweating and exercising all week, one or two showers a week is great, but after games he really needs a shower right away, especially since the sweat staying on his body will not only smell up his room, but could also really irritate his skin, or develop into ringworm/athlete's foot or other fungal issues. As far as the late night showers, what's 10 more minutes? Tell him if he's not out in that amount of time, you're coming in to get him, and then do it. The embarrassment should motivate him in future. We also found with our son that it helped for my husband to take him out for some one-on-one and buy him deodorant and body wash. Our son was so proud that he was now old enough for this, and I could tell it also gave him another connection with his dad that he ate right up. In fact, he just had to show me the other day that now he's getting hair under his arms, as witnessed by some little hairs stuck in his deodorant! It was very cute. He tends to take too long in the shower, so we set the timer, and just the threat of me coming in is enough to get him out quick. If worse comes to worst, run the hot water while he's in there, so he doesn't get any! When we get resistance from him, which is starting to wane, we let him know that he will not be allowed to play his game cube until he is showered, or any other privilege he thinks he's going to get. We have found that rewards and/or restriction of privileges has worked great. Good thing, 'cause we've got four more boys to get through this with! Good luck.

As this is only a small snapshot of what you are going through, I hate to pass judgment, but seems like the excuses are coming from you and not your son (ie. too late, needs his sleep,etc.) As you have probably read from the other parents as well, there is not a choice in keeping clean...either you do it, or I will go in the shower and help you do it. There are not many 11 year old's that want you to do this! I am a former teacher and am in the schools regularly now. The point that really has not been addressed is yes, we want him to come up with this idea on his own. However, the LAST thing that you want is to have another child say something like "Dan smells" or "ewe" and then have him deal with the stigma of being the smelly kid. If this happens and then he discovers girls, it could be an uphill battle with a hill steeper than it needs to be. If it helps create a schedule chart where you don't have to physically tell him what to do. It is a chart that list his responsibilites like, come home from soccer, put stuff away, immediately shower, have a snack, read for 10 min., lights out... He has to do all the things on this list. Before long it will be second nature (like or dislike) and will just be done.

Good Luck

Hi S.,

Our sons,are one in the same! My 11 year old resists showers as well and is also a soccer player with late games during the week. Same issues!! I could have written your request!!
I have recently given him the opportunity to decide whether he takes his shower after the night game or first thing in the morning. He usually opts for morning, and it's less of a struggle (maybe because he's not so tired). I remind him that "he's up and into the shower first thing in the morning" -it's been working great. Still only get about 2 showers in a weeks time though. I actually had him smell his own armpit one day after a game and even though he thought it was a bit funny, he was also a bit grossed out! I also let him know that body odor will start setting in one day big time, and that he doesn't want to offend anyone, so it's important to shower. I know he's listening, even though there's usually a blank stare and a roll of the eyes!! :) You're doing a terrific job, just hang in there, he'll realize it soon enough with your guidance.

This is nothing unusual for a boy his age. When my son was 11 years old, I suspected that he wasn't REALLY in the tub and bathing, so I just marched right in to find him sitting on the edge of the tub splashing about 2" of water with his hand.
I told him, he could either take a REAL bath/shower by himself or I would sit there and watch him to so! It changed his attitude immediately.
A few years later, while he was away at camp, we heard that he was taking several showers a day. On parents day we found the reason for this odd behavior was of course, a GIRL!
Your son will also change and they grow up much too fast. As long as he gets in the tub/shower once a week, don't worry too much. It WILL get better, I promise.

My third & youngest son will be 13 in August, so I have had a couple of experiences in raising a boy (the others are 18 & 24). My advice is not to worry. He will get it that he needs to keep clean, but boys are a little slower at this then girls!! :) If I were you, I would just make up my mind that it is going to be a later night and insist that he get in the shower after the game & make sure that he only stays in long enough to clean himself off. (My younest is the same, can't get him in the shower but once he's in I can't get him out). So, I have set a limit of 5 minutes in the shower. If he hasn't washed his hair then I tell him that the next shower I will go in & wash it for him if he's not sure how it's done! That has worked beautifully!! What pre-teen boy wants his mom washing his hair??!! But in the long run, don't worry about it. He will start showering on his own (around 8th grade I found) & then you will wonder why he's taking 3 showers a day!

Morning showers might help him wake up. I know I feel more refreshed and ready to start my day when I take a shower in the morning. Just a thought. I can't offer any other advice since I don't have a teenager yet.

He must shower, you might not think he smells, but the teachers and other kids sure do. Moms usually can't smell their own kids (or their rooms). Also, there is a lot of bacteria (like MRSA) staph infections, a lot of gross stuff out there. If he plays sports, just make it a requirement. If he has to shower every night it will become a habit, if he only has to shower once a week, it will become something that he keeps putting off and thinks he doesn't need because he is used to feeling gross. I used to live with a roommate and a gross shower and I would shower every three days because i hated the bathroom and kind of got used to not showering, yuck! Now I live in a house and I shower almost every day if I can get there! It has become a habit and I don't know how I lived like that at one time! Just make it a requirement.

I also have an 11 year old active son. When returning from late soccor pratice he goes to the shower before anything. He takes a reasonable leangth shower. A few years back he no longer wanted his hair to be cut. I told him he could have long hair as long as he kept it clean. Threatening to cut his hair has kept him washing it every other day or more often. I also tell him he smells bad when ever he forgets his deorderant or needs to be cleaner. If you wait for peer presher on this one it will be too late and he will have a smelly reputation.
A shower, or hot bath after pratice will help his mucles relax and feel better after the work out. Remind him of this and check on him after 10 minets( when he needs to get to bed)

I feel your pain! My boy will be 13 soon, and we are just now starting to turn that corner. I think just sticking to your guns will be the best advice, I have threatened to shower him myself. I found out that for a while he was turning on the water and then sitting in there playing his game boy! All my friends with similairly aged boys say it will change, just hang in there.
Maybe let him pick out his own soap and deoderant? I don't think it is too soon. I do still have to remind him to use it though.
ah, stinky boys :)

Boys, boys, boys.. isn't it funny how once they are in they won't come out?? They will not care about their hygeine for years to come.. so we have to enforce it now, so that when they do care, they will have a routine in place.

I have had this same issue with my 12 year old for a couple years but I laid down the law - here are my rules:

1.If you play a sport you HAVE to take a shower when you get home from it, as soon as you get home. My words: you are all sweaty and you need to get clean all you have to do is jump in wash up and jump out.
This is not an option anymore, he still complains, but he does it.

2. "You are a growing boy, you need to clean your privates.. if you don't I will." I haven't had to do it.. that statement sends him running to the shower at lightspeed. But seriously, we cannot "check-up" on our preteen boys like we would want to to make sure that they don't have any jock itch, sweat rash whatever so making them get in the shower we at least know that it is getting clean.

3.If he hasn't played a sport he still needs to shower every other day.

4. Use a timer. This is good for when they don't wanna go in - set it for 5 minutes, and then they won't stay in forever either.

By letting him get away without showering, in my opinion, it's teaching him that other things are more important than he is. His body should be top priority before homework and all that jazz, because he is going to live in this body forever and he needs to learn how to take care of it now. It's not about peer pressure, of course we don't want our kid to be the "smelly" one at school, but if they are it's not their fault, it's ours as parents it's our job to make sure our kids are clean. This is one battle that should not have an option!

Your son is a wonderfully, healthy 11yr old. Sometime we have to step back and let them figure these things out for themselves. He's obviously not being neglected. He's being a typical boy. My now 15 yr old has just started taking an interest in hygene. It's pretty comical actually. After years and years of forcing him into the bathroom, he finally gets it. I have no idea if it's a girl or a friend or what. He still will go for days without washing up, but at least he brushes his teeth without a fight. Some kids jsut don't care about how they look. So I decided I was going to take a back seat approach and be supportive of his decisions. Now my husband and I simply mention it and he says the ususal, "I know" and them we drop it. Eventually he takes a shower.

Ah yes, that infamous salty hair smell. And does he get that foot smell in his room? It's like the whole thing smells like one giant foot, haha!! And his laundry, oh my. I joke and tell him I have to use gloves and a pirchfork, hahah! Then I started making him do his own. Yeah, he realized how bad he smelled when he had to separate his own, stinky socks and stuff.

If your guy takes 1 or 2 a week, you're doing fabulous! Congratulations! Take what you can and try not to be too upset when he's fighting you on cleanliness. Personally, I think when my son did this, he was asserting his indepenence... in a really funny way, but eventually I let him win sometimes. I mean if you can smell him before he walks in the door, then grab the hose out back and a bar of soap, hahaha!! Maybe you could focus on other things with him, like the sports, celebrate the little successes more often. Maybe not make a big deal and see if he misses the nudging.

It's so frustrating, but things will work. You're an awesome mom!