10 Year Old Having Older Friends

I have never lived in a neighborhood that had kids exactly the same age as my own. They have always played with kids older and younger than themselves. I do let them roam the area (one block around the house with a playground) with reasonable time limits. But we live in a very safe area, I know of 5 police officers that live w/in a 3 block radius, and the rest is about a quarter military (with families) and very attentive mothers, so very little can go on.

The thing is, you are going to have to start giving your son some freedom, or he going to start taking it and you won't know what it is that he is doing. Age difference doesn't bother me so much, you can have good and bad kids at any age. It is better to know the kids your son is playing with and giving some trust.

Second, listen to your husband about what it is to be a boy. You don't have to agree with him, but he will have a better perspective than you do about how a boy feels and what trouble he is most likely to get into. Girls and boys are equal, but they do think differently. Then explain what you feel is best and why. The best solutions are usually found somewhere in the middle.

OK - you BOTH might be right. Your son is not a baby, so he DOES need some freedom. You do have to relax a bit. But you also have to keep the lines of communication open, your son does have to tell you where, what, when, etc.

Your son is on the edge of puberty - he needs to learn how to make good choices. THAT is the most important skill he will need because you WILL NOT be with him all the time. So somehow you have to tweak your brain into helping him become a responsible young man moreso than protecting your baby.

And instead of telling the kid to butt out, maybe take him seriously and TALK to him about the why's of your parenting decisions. If his parents aren't doing this, he may be honestly curious (I'm sure there is smartypants mixed in) and you can use it as a teachable moment and at the very least show him the why behind the rules.

At the very least, you need to breath about the divorce thing - take some teen parenting classes together. Look into Love and Logic (loveandlogic.com) which is about decisionmaking and natural consequences and responsibility (on the part of the child as well as the adults). My parents divorced when I was 10 - get counseling for the problems you're having because if you want your kid to spin off into a tailspin and REALLY get f-d up, divorce will pretty much set the stage for that.
Good luck.

I'm with your husband. Your son is at the age when he should have a certain amount of freedom, and I think it is great to have an older friend to act as a mentor.

As for "kids being accelerated in life these days", I don't see it at all. In fact most kids today seem quite stunted. Twelve is the new six. When I was a kid we were expected to be able to walk to the store and complete a transaction by ourselves at age six, and today I know plenty of twelve year olds who would be incapable of this task.

You said the boy is a good kid and there's a 6th grader along too so I wouldn't panick. I hung out with some older kids at times... Maybe nothing bad will come of this. What if your son had an older brother? They couldn't hang out? Logically the older brother would be into more advanced things... And if your son is into sport and focuses on school, is there that much time to him to be with these boys? I'd try to compromise with your husband. Make sure your son is playing with kids his own age but the occassional outing with these boys is probably ok. Once he's at school, he can do what he wants...

My kids are grown, but I was the dominant parent and the bad guy (in other words, a good parent), and when it came to safety, at least, I made sure that I ruled.

I don't think you need to worry about the future ("gap getting exponentially wider") right now, just allow your son to do things you would allow a normal 10 year old to do, regardless of who he is doing them with. If you feel comfortable with the other boys' families, it should make you feel better about his riding around with the boys.

Read the responses to the recent question entitled "Disneyland Dad." They are relevant to your question.

If you tell your son to go ask your husband, I hope you mean to follow through with that. If you are comfortable that your son will be safe, then it might be best to dump the decisions in dad's lap, as you have done. But don't make threats you don't follow through on -- if you are going to leave it up to dad, then you have to be okay with dad's decisions, and butt out.

Ultimately, you might have to go to a counselor to come to a compromise with your husband that you both can live with, so that you don't end up hating each other. You need to be unified in front of your son, no matter what you do.

Don't let this continue, or you will be heading down a divorce path. Parenting conflicts are toxic to marital relationships.

If you think the older boy is a bad kid, then don't let your son hang out with him. But if you feel he's a good kid, and your only issue is that he is 2 years older... what are you worried about? One of my daughter's best friends is fully 4 years older than she is (daughter is almost 11, friend just turned 15). This doesn't worry me in the slightest because my daughter is quite mature for her age, and the other girl is a bit immature for her age - I'd say they both act about 12! The friendship works for them.

I guess my thoughts as the mother of an almost-11 year old is that this is the age when they want to be a little bit more independent. They can't drive yet, and they're all still accountable to us as parents... this is the least harmful time in their development to let them spread their wings a little bit, I think. The stakes are really pretty low. Supposing we were to keep telling them who they can and can't be friends with at this age... when do we stop? When they will no longer talk to us when they're 14? (At that age, their older friends can drive... think about that for a minute!) I'd rather let my daughter have experience deciding who is and is not appropriate to hang out with at this age, and standing up to peer pressure when even the "bad" girls aren't doing very bad things. You know? Better now than later when the bad girls are having wild parties, sex, and doing drugs. Right?

I bet it's kind of confusing for your son to see that this kid does whatever he wants. And this child comes from a home that he has very little supervision after school because his Mom probably works long hours. Talk to your son about the reasons why his Mom is not around as much as you are. Explain to him (Simply) that she has to make ends meet and she is working hard to do this.

There could be a big difference bet a 10 and 12 yr old.

Years ago, I would have a friend's child over my house after school and for dinner 3 nights a week. I had her Mom pick up this child at my house on her way home from work (at 6:30). This way, my child got to see this friend and I had rules in place. I would take them swimming, etc...
The other 2 days, my child was involved in activities.

I teach parenting and it's not good when the 2 of u are not on the same page! Would your husband see a family counselor? I would hate to see this ruin your marriage. You are not parenting as a team right now. I can see why this is so painful for you. I went through a similiar situation when one of my kids needed intervention. None of the adults in my immediate family saw it, believed it, or would talk to me about it. I am trained and certified in this area. I felt alone and almost gave up. Luckily, I did not. I was right on the money w/ my observations. It sounds like you need to sit w/ a counselor and talk. This is your marriage.

I

i think there's LOTS of room for compromise here. really, i do.
we tend to think that kids should have same-age friends because of the totally unnatural situation we have created with public schools. it's actually very normal and healthy for kids to have friends across the age-spectrum, including senior citizens.
that being said, the concerns about older friends introducing concepts we don't want to younger kids are real and valid. so there needs to be a gentle hand of oversight in place.
the older boy is a good kid, which is a great start. so i'd certainly allow the friendship to continue. and your husband has a point that some freedom to ride bikes and have adventures is appropriate. nothing wrong with 3 good kids who are good friends getting to roam within an agreed-upon parameter and time frame.
that doesn't mean you're throwing all parental cautions to the wind. sit down with your husband over a nice cup of tea when you're NOT angry, and hash out some parameters. there should be a distance guideline, a time guideline, and a ability-to-get-in-touch-with guideline. you should have (non-anxious) ongoing conversations with your son about what activities are fun and healthy, and what are red flags, and how to say no to peer pressure. you need to develop open lines of communication so that when he comes home you can have cheerful honest discussions about what adventures took place, without grilling or interrogating.
it's not a quick or easy fix. but it CAN be done. and there's no need to divorce over it.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

You and your husband need to have more discussions about this and find a compromise. Have you thought about how your sons life would be in a divorce? You would have basically no say over whether your husband let him hang out with the neighborhood boys. Depending on your financial situation you could both be moving to neighborhoods with boys that have bigger issues.

I am a firm believer in GRADUALLY letting out the leash. So yes, I agree with your husband that your son should have some amount of freedom at this age. That doesn't mean he runs around for hours unsupervised, he still needs to check in, let you know where he's going, etc.
With age comes both freedom AND responsibility. Make him responsible for his actions, follow through with appropriate consequences if necessary. If you find that he's up to no good with these boys then he loses the privilege of spending time with them. Make your expectations clear up front.
I'm sorry you and your husband can't agree on this issue but I think there's room for compromise on both sides. Hopefully you can get on the same page because that's really what your son needs right now, a united parental front.

What are you afraid of? At 10, both my sks had older friends. *I* had older friends. Is the issue the older friends or is the issue that you don't trust your son and don't agree with his father?

If a boy riding his bike somewhere is grounds for divorce then there are a lot more issues than your son's friends going on. You should seek out counseling, because even if you do divorce, it won't magically make it easier.

Further, if you were smoking in 4th grade 1. you may have unresolved problems that you have not addressed and 2. you are punishing your son for your own sins. Did HE do anything to warrant your reaction to his wanting a little freedom? Freedom within boundaries is how kids learn to handle things on their own. What is your goal in never letting him stretch his boundaries?

A couple of years isn't a big deal in certain situations, and it is in others.

For example, my daughter has a friend that's 1 year older. They've been friends for a while, and that's fine. Suddenly she went into 7th grade (while my daughter is still in 6th) and now it seems like they are worlds apart! All of a sudden my daughter is doing things and wanting things that she never wanted before, and all because of this influence. This family is also a lot more lenient that we are.

My daughter wants to see rated R movies because this girl tells her how great they are. We don't allow this, and was upset that she watched one at their house. This girl also gets manicures, pedicures and has her hair streaked. We not only can't afford these things, but don't feel they are necessary. What 12 year old needs manicured nails? Especially since my daughter loves to play outside in the dirt! This girl is boy crazy and is getting my daughter to start talking to boys online.

Needless to say, I know that my daughter will be getting into these kinds of things eventually, but it seems like she is being influenced prematurely. This girl has an older sister who is 2 years older, so I can see that SHE is being influenced by her.

We are constantly telling my daughter "no, you can't watch rated R movies, we are not having your hair streaked, you can't have a facebook page, you can't talk to boys you don't know online" etc.

We've combatted this by discouraging this friendship and encouraging my daughter to hang with her other friends who are NOT into any of these things! Yes they think boys are cute, but that's the end of it. They are just getting into light makeup (this other girl wears heavy makeup) and they are not asking to run around the mall by themselves.

I'm with you, I'd discourage this friendship. See if you can have a heart-to-heart with your son. I just told my daughter that I didn't like the person she was when she talked to her older friend and the things she was asking for were out of the question. I found out that my daughter also feels a little uncomfortable at times around this girl. So there you go!

At 10 years old, we were allowed to ride our bikes up to a mile away from home, and had to be back by a certain hour. We had a quarter in our shoe and could call home if needed. I love that your boy wants to be out riding his bike, and not sitting in front of some gaming device.

Give this some thought. Take a deep breath, and work out whether this truely warrants a divorce. If you were to divorce, your child would get unmitigated carte blanche parenting by your hubs during his stays with hubs.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Instead of telling the kid to butt out, maybe take the time to explain it to him. Sometimes the other kids understand. My kids had/have friends of all ages, some much older then them, but not only did/do my kids understand my rules, so do their friends.

As Hell On Heels said, if your only real problem is the age gap, then there really is no problem. If he's a problem child I would limit exposure, but that would be the only reason.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. This is the classic paranoid, over protective behavior a lot of parents exhibit. I am starting to see the effects of this on other teenagers now. My parents never knew where I was when I was out on my bike and I came home for dinner. I am not saying I do not know where my kids are but you need to give them freedom to grow up or they will go wild in college when they do finally have some freedom. Some of my best relationships were with older girls and even some younger ones growing up. You need to relax a bit and seek out counseling for yourself before contemplating divorce.

I think that a 10 and a 12 year old hanging out is fine. But I agree that as this kid ages, he will be more mature than your son. So keep your son on a short leash and set expectations and enforce your rules. It's really all you can do at this point.

Whether they are neighborhood kids, or kids in school that your son is around... there WILL be older kids, around him.

Developmentally, there are age differences.
My daughter is 10. Going to middle school soon, 6th grade.
She knows some 7th & 8th graders. BUT, they are.... developmentally..... very different from her. I know that. SHE knows that. I know that because she TELLS ME. How does she know? Because.... *I* always chat with her about life and this and that and teach her how to make decisions and how to access situations and how to DISCERN others and situations. I have done this since she was much younger. So by now, it is instinctual, in her.
It is also about PREPPING, the child... for the later years.
Doing it, now. If you have not done so.
I am very blunt with my kids about social life/things/and icky things too. So that, they are not clueless. But still have things to learn. Like any kid no matter what age.

So going back, to the 7th & 8th graders that my daughter knows. SHE... can gauge herself and knows herself. THUS, just because they are doing things that is beyond her own development or comfort level... it does not mean she is just a follower and copy-cats them. She can, make deductions about things, per herself and what is appropriate or not, per HER age. And she does not "idolize" them at all. Just because they are older. And she tells me what they do and talk about and what they hide from their parents.

The world is as it is.
So, per "pacing" your child... this means that you have to... teach them things, how to discern things, how to assess things, how to manage and speak up and to KNOW themselves when they are around others. And not just be a follower, etc.

It is not either, or. Per your stances between your Husband and you.
It is not about just LETTING a kid do whatever they want, just in the name of freedom or per their ages. It means, you have to TEACH your child... about things/life/life lessons/how to discern choices and social life and in contrast to what others do or not. And any kid, needs boundaries, TOO. Not just, being off the radar so they can do anything they want whenever and wherever and have total unfettered freedom.
That is also, not the end all solution.

And older kids are NOT always "mentors" in a positive sense.