10 Month Old Won't Sleep in Her Crib for Long

So sorry about the lack of sleep. I am not a "cry it out" mom either and I also understand the need for boundaries at bedtime. First, you might want to read Dr. Sears. He's gentle and uses the "attachment parenting" approach. It was much more my style. I'm not a family bed mom either as I have trouble sleeping with any noise or disturbance in my bed. I am confident you'll find the right solution for your family.

First, decide what it is that you and your husband want as far as the bedtime routine. Really talk about how it should be down to every detail. Write it down if you want. That will help you keep on track. Next, devise a plan keeping the following in mind:

*EVERYONE wakes up throughout the night. We just don't remember because we've learned to get ourselves back to sleep without help.
*I know you like rocking your baby to sleep. We all do! However, when you do that, you are becoming your child's "pillow." Imagine you woke up in the middle of the night and your pillow is just gone. It's not in the bed. Do you fall right back asleep without a care or do do end up out of bed searching for it? When you rock your baby to sleep, that's what you're doing. You are creating an expectation that when she wakes up (normal) in the middle of the night that you'll be there. When you're not, she freaks and cries until she gets her pillow back.

So, here's what I suggest:

*rock your baby until she's sleepy but NOT asleep.
*tell her it's bedtime when she looks drowsy and gently place her in her crib
*give her something that she can have in her crib at bedtime (blanket, pillow, soft toy, etc.
*after she falls asleep on her own and wakes up (probably crying at first), go in and gently tell her it's still night time and it's time to go back to sleep. You may rub her back a few times after positioning her "new pillow" and silently go back out.
*now you might have to use a technique to get her used to you not rocking her back to sleep and going into your room. Here it is:

**tell the child that it is bedtime. Sit near the crib where the child can see you but after you say "night night" do not look at her or react to her.
**after child goes to sleep, go to bed.
**the next night, sit a little further away
**keep it up until you're sitting in the hall where the child can see you
**soon you'll be sleeping in your own bed!

All of this requires CONSISTENCY. It's not easy. Do NOT cave. If your child knows she is not alone and that you are with her, she shouldn't cry for long. She should be fine. She probably isn't old enough to be battling it out with you so I think this process should take no longer than a week.

Sorry about the long e-mail, just wanted you to have a plan that was loving and kind instead of torturous!

Good luck!

S.

2 moms found this helpful

I can just feel how stressed out you are and I'm so sorry. I used the ferber method with both of my kids with great success. There was no screaming for hours... no vomiting... only took a couple of days. I get a little tired of reading all of the responses about how terrible we mothers are who don't "respond to their babies needs". I think SLEEP is a huge need and I think babies (children) do a lot of crying because they are tired and need to sleep and don't know how to get there... and there is a limit to the amount of time one can spend rocking, etc...and still get enough sleep to function themselves (at least for me there was!). I don't have the magic answer for you... but looking at your nightly routine... it comes to mind that according to the method we used, the FIRST thing to do is to get your child to fall asleep on their own at night... i.e. put down to bed awake. After that is mastered you'd move on to the night awakenings. It makes sense... if they can't fall alseep on their own at the beginning of the night, it would be even harder to expect in the middle of the silent, dark night. That's the one thought I had. Maybe you can start with that. I wish you so much luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Having raised four children, I can tell you one thing that is true of all four of them: they are each different. I figured a long time ago that every child is different, no book or advice is a panacea for all problems for all kids, and the best thing you can do as a mother is to go with your motherly instincts. If your instincts tell you that she needs you to sleep in the room with her, then get a cot or a mattress in there and sleep in the room with her until she feels comfortable, if that is what you need to do. They're only little for a short while, and if your motherly instincts tell you that she needs you nearby during the night, then so be it, go with it. You can sneak out at night once she falls sound asleep, and if you need to sleep there all night for now, don't worry about it. This will not last forever. Obviously she is needing comfort during the night, is afraid for some reason, and possibly feels abandoned, like you said, perhaps because she's in daycare during the day and misses you too much, but one thing is for sure: you need sleep, she needs sleep, your husband needs sleep. So do whatever you must do for now to help her learn to sleep all night, and don't worry about what the books say, what the grandparents say, or what anyone else says. Do what is in your gut to do. You're not comfortable allowing her to cry for such a long time, and I don't blame you. I had one who wouldn't sleep at night until she had a sister in the room sleeping with her, so we moved them in together, and problem was solved. Comfort your child. She won't be doing this when she's 18, so do what she needs now. My one advice is do not take her to your bed, but rather you sleep in her room for awhile. I promise you, this will not be forever.....but it could be for a long while. Do what your instincts tell you. Also, I second Susan's methods of getting her to sleep. Very good advice!

Hi S., I have a 2 yr old and he has recently began to not want to sleep in his bed. He used to get in his crib and tell me "night night" as I walked out the door. I have begun to sit in his rocking chair and wait for him to go to sleep in his bed. This has worked for me. Our agreement is that if he stays in his bed I will stay in the chair. He understands this and is ok with it. Eventually he wears himself out and goes to sleep. Another thing I did was sit beside him in the rocking chair and wait for him to almost go to sleep and place him in his bed. He would be so tired that he would just lay down and go to sleep. I know there is an age differece b/t yours and mine but you could try it. I was at my wits end about your daughters age and you just have to try everything you can. I only used the "cry it out method" for about 1 week and I couldn't take it anymore. I agree with the abandonment issue and don't want my son to think I am not there for him when he needs me.

Just a quick note and then I promise not to mention it again, but the Healthy Sleep Habits method worked for us. Having said that, however, I DO belive that each child benefits from a different method, based on their personality. I also don't think any parent should do something they feel uncomfortable with. Read a few books/methods and pick and choose what will work for your family, even combining them. I suggest Ferber and the no-cry sleep solution. If you do, now, or in the future, use a cry it out approach--be careful not to let YOUR negative feelings show--I think kids sense when you are upset and it scares them. So, I'd only approach it this way if you're really comfortable with the method. In my experience--I tried to avoid it too and tried all the other methods first, but then broke down and used the cry it out approach. To truly be comfortable with it, you have to be at the very end of your rope:) I agree with the other mom who responded that the first thing you need to do is teach her to fall asleep on her own in whatever way you feel comfortable with. Then, when she wakes up during normal sleep patterns, she won't be confused. That alone should help you a lot. If she doesn't have one, might she like to sleep a special animal or blanket? I also saw some products recently that have been very highly rated by parenting organizations for helping young children sleep. I can't remember the website, but google "twilight turtle" and you should find it. Second, I'd rule out any medical isses ie. teething, upset tummy (have you changed any foods recently etc.) that might be causing her to be so upset at night. Her level of crying seems to be extreme, so I'm just wondering if maybe something is bothering her. My daughter (now almost 2) only gets hysterical like that when she's sick or teething. Also, remember that what may not work today, might work in a couple of months, so don't totally pooh-pooh methods that don't work now. I don't know if I'm alone in this thought, but I feel like the sleep issues of little kids/babies are an ongoing and ever changing ordeal. We still have new issues popping up every couple of months. I don't know if this has been helpful or not, but I've been there and I know how hard it is and I can definitly tell you that it WILL get better with age no matter what you do. Best of luck for some restful nights!

I'm sorry you are so stressed. Lack of sleep is probably adding to that, I can imagine. I would suggest starting a routine. Kids work well when they know what to expect. Maybe get some soft music to play and put her down in the crib everynight to sleep, dont take her out, dont rock her to sleep, when you put her down she'll wake up. She will cry a while, but eventually she will get used to sleeping in there if you put her down initially, might take a week or so, crying herself to sleep maybe. You could even caress her while she is in the crib and sing. Its hard as a mother to listen to their cries and not go in there, but you have to be strong, because it is for yourself too, you need sleep. That was hard for me. The couple times I would let mine sleep with me in the bed (if it was thundering or something and she was scared), the next night would be HELL trying to get her to sleep in her own bed. Its like a power struggle and she's kinda winning. So I would say consistency. Our routine is dinner, bath (try that lavendar sleepy time bath), then story time and then down to bed with the music (and paci when she was younger). She's probably used to sleeping with you, so she's fighting for it, thinking you will give in (which you eventally do because you are tired) or rock her all night long (which you can't), she knows your smell and body heat are missing when she wakes up. You and your husband need some down time too. Thats kinda concerning when they get that hysterical to the point of vomiting. She is younger than mine, but be strong, it does work. If she cries so hard she's gasping for air or whatever, go in there and let her know you are still there, but its sleepy time. You could even caress her while she is laying in the bed if you HAVE too, but dont take her out. If you rock her, and then she falls asleep and you go to lay her down in there, she's gonna wake up from that movement, or shortly later when she realizes you arent there. Good luck.

hmm... i've been there and done that! exactly that -- first to bed in crib...rocking...then cosleeping for the remainder of the night! and i can say that at 26 months, my guy is much better at sleeping on his own. i don't have much time, but here are a few suggestions.

1. check for underlying medical problems. our guy improved a ton when discovered he had a UTI (found at his one year well visit, even though he didn't have any real symptoms). also, my guy has severe food allergies and thins improved when i cut his allergens out of his diet (and mine, since i'm breatfeeding).

2. at about 15 months we nightweaned, which did help a lot...i don't know if you're bf'ing?

3. we moved him to a big bed -- queen mattress, even!! he was used to sleeping in a big bed with us and he was very resistant to the crib. he did much better once we switched.

4. as hard as it is, i would keep him in his bed all night. i might sleep with him there, but he didn't come to our bed ever. he got used to that bed and sleeping well there (with me, often) and now he's able to sleep there by himself. i try to always get up and leave him by himself after he has fallen asleep so he isn't too accustomed to me being there all the time.

It's still not perfect. Last night DS slept from 8:30-5:00 and then coslept with daddy (in DS's bed) from 5:00-7:00. He still only sleeps through until morning a few nights a week...but usually we can just go up and pat him a few times at his one wake up and then return to our bed.

Good luck!! I know how hard and tiring it can be!

Hi S.! I understand what you are going through. My husband and I went through the same thing when my oldest daughter was at that age. We still struggle with it. She is now 3. I have learned that she is the type of girl that really needs to be around us at night. I guess the bottom line for us has become this - what is the best way we ALL get a restful night sleep. (We also have a 22 mo old girl and baby boy due 11/2). We do have strange sleeping arrangements because my husband does have to go to work the next day and I stay at home. So, there are times when my husband will sleep with our daughter on the floor in her room and there are sometimes when I will sleep with her on our bed and my husband in another room. Sounds aweful, but we are all more pleasant in the morning. All babies are different and we have found that co-sleeping with our oldest right now is the best for her and us. My youngest has never had a problem sleeping. We only co-slept with her for 3 months, then she was wanting to be on her own. I hope this helps. Letting her cry it out was the worse thing in the world for my daughter and I think it did more harm for her in the long run. She is much happier and we are too!!!

I know lots of people would put me and my husband down for allowing her to sleep with us, but you also have to consider that when all of you are sleep deprived, what kind of parents are you going to be AND the stress that puts on your marriage. When she is ready, she will sleep on her own. She is only 3 and during those 3 years she has gone through stages of being able to sleep on her own and then not being able to. When there have been changes in her life, she was not able to sleep on her own and it was important that she was with us and not alone.

All families are different. Do what is best for your family! I personally wonder if the "experts" who are writing these books have children of their own or if they had children and forget the baby stage or if their children were very compliant. Blessings to you and your family! J.

You're right, they do feel abandoned. Letting babies cry it out is not good for children or parents. It's incredibly stressful for all involved. Here's a little tidbit from Harvard research: "The pair examined childrearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds -- even separate rooms -- and not responding quickly to their cries may lead to incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders when these children reach adulthood."
http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNee...

One of the main reasons I won't do it is because I don't know if something is really wrong or not. If a verbal five year old woke up, I'd attend to her, so why wouldn't I attend to a non-verbal BABY?!?!? It boggles my mind. PLus at this age they are TEETHING and it hurts and makes them unhappy and they're going to need more attention.

We co-sleep/share sleep, whatever you want to call it. And what I've done is add a twin size been next to my queen and pushed it all up against the wall. Then everyone has some space. Or you could just put your mattress on the floor and then you won't have to worry about her rolling off the bed. Now we still wake up to her crying or whimpering from teething, but we all fall back to sleep much easier since we don't have to do a late night shuffle.

Hi S.,
I did the same thing, using the No Cry Sleep Solution, only to have it work for two weeks until she started cutting teeth. Not worth the agony!
I bought a bed guard and put her between me and the bed rail. I didn't have to worry about us rolling over on her and we still got to be next together.
good luck!
B.

Is she hungry? My son required a bedtime snack at about that age. It seems so familiar, to sleep an hour, then wake up. I was going nuts until we figured out that he needed a 'top-off' before bed. Another thing you might try is rocking, but put her to bed not quite asleep. You probably won't be able to do it all at once, but gradually. My son is 3 1/2, I still rock him, but he has learned to fall asleep in his bed, which is healthy. It may just be a growing thing, or a phase, or a habit that needs re-learned. Good luck!

Have you added a food recently: meat, or vegetable? Have you changed the detergent that you wash her clothes in? Have you changed the product that you clean with?
P. S

S.,
It sounds like you guys are experiencing a really tough situation for everyone involved. I was just reading Dr. T. Berry Brazelton's book called Touchpoints. He just spoke about parents who have had their children sleep in bed with them and come to the point where they want to stop, but don't want to have their children cry it out...He recommends putting the crib right up next to your bed. That way, when she wakes up during her light sleep phases of her sleep cycle you can reach over and comfort her. That will get her used to her crib and then slowly move the crib further and further from your bed as your baby gets used to it.
I know everything sounds good on paper, but can be drastically different when you try it out. I do recommend Brazelton's book. He seems to really understand children and parents. It always reassures me to read his words.

Here is something to try. It worked for us and I've heard it has worked for others. We went straight to a toddler bed at 12 months. Yes you read that right! And a full size big bed at 2. My sons have real crib confinement issues. Granted we bought the lowest to the ground toddler bed we could find. I've heard some parents just take the crib mattress out and put in on the floor in their room then gradually moved it to the nursery/child's room. This is want they do in non-western countries where everyone still sleeps in the same room. Anyway it is something to try.

Some people can handle the sleeping with kids some can't. It's really hard unless you have a king size bed, and then like you said many of us have tossers. Try to find some soothing music that works on your child. I found something called Transistion music at a baby store on discount. It is womb sounds with nature sounds and works like a charm on my child. If it is teething pains waking her up I highly recommend natural teething tablets.

Others will disagree with me, but I recommend Dr. Sears who is totally against letting your baby cry it out. He also advocates bed sharing but admits it is not for everyone. Basically he says to try what I mentioned above or to do what works for mom. What you decide on may not be what others do. Do what works for you and forget the other comments.

HTH
T.

Maybe get a water fountain of some kind maybe the noise from the water will help her rest better.What tv shows does she watch?do you watch?maybe something she saw has scared her.Maybe she can feel your stress something she has never felt before,you know they can feel things when they arent right like if you get upset things like that.Dont fight about what to do that even makes her more stressed just do it mothers dont always get all the sleep they need thats why women are mothers and not fathers get up hug her hold her and rock her back to sleep comfort her her in the way she needs it.Something has scared the child i feel.Try putting a pretty light in her room a soft night light,just keep trying different things till it finally work,i am a mom of 3 grandmother of 15 and raised 4 grand children,you just have to keep trying till you find what works,M.

S.,

I have not been there, but I feel your pain. I have to start by saying that we never put our boys in our bed because of the risk of SIDS (and my husband's distant cousin rolled over on his baby). However, I know plenty of people who do, and unfortunately suffer the same experience (never being able to get it to end). I did have a baby who would not sleep through the night for almost the entire first year, and I would have to get up and nurse him one sometimes two times a night. This got really tiresome, and it was the same thing, we tried letting him cry, and it was ugly. That is very stressful for a couple when both people are tired and one or both have to work the next day.

What ended up working for me (I say me because my husband never got up with the baby since I was nursing, he just yelled at me for letting the baby cry)-- at any rate, what worked for me was letting him "cry it out" during nap time during the day. I was doing home day care at the time and had three one-year-olds in my care including my son. So, when nap time came around, I had to let two cry while I rocked one, and then I moved on to the next one when the first was asleep. Since my son was in his own room and therefore, I felt was more secure than the others, he was always last to be rocked. The sad but fortunate result was that he had usually cried himself to sleep by the time I got to him. The happy result was that he started learning to self-soothe during the day, and it carried over to the night. Yipee, he then put himself to sleep quickly at night. My advice is that since during the day you have more to occupy your time and your mind, turn on some noise and let her put herself to sleep in the safety of her own crib. There are also the techniques used by "Super Nanny" of first sitting in the room in a chair, and gradually moving the chair further from the bed each night and then finally out the door. I don't personally have the patience for that process, but it is what ever you are comfortable with. With the chair method, the child knows you are there (since you think she feels abandoned when you are not there), but then you have to think she is looking at you in the chair and whondering why you are not coming to her. You can sing or talk to her soothingly I suppose.

Well, good luck with your journey. This too shall pass.

Try not using a crib? But letting her sleep alone. My prayers are with you and your family that there will be peace in your household.

No Cry sleep solution by Elizabeth Pantley.

She's a mom of 5, not a Dr.
There are several tips and trick, and routines to help get kids to sleep gently. I refused to let my babies cry, I didnt change anything from one child to the other and one slept through the night at 3 yrs the other just before his first birthday. Kids sleep through the night when they are ready. And some kids dont need as much sleep, My now 6 yr old still gets up sometimes she has nightmares and sometimes she still just needs mommy.

S.,

It sounds like the biggest problems you have right now are stress and guilt. So my suggestion is that you just put the baby to bed with you guys to begin with. Since you're already letting her sleep with you, you may as well put her there to start off. You won't have the guilt from letting her cry for over an hour, your baby won't be distressed, and you won't be so tired from listening to all the crying.

Or perhaps it would be easier if you moved the crib into your room, so your daughter is nearby, but in her own bed. Does she ever sleep in her crib? Is there a favorite blankie or something of yours that you can give her to have in her crib with her as a source of comfort?

Both of my children spent time sleeping in our bed as infants (it was easier when they were nursing through the night), then moved into their own cribs in their room. Once they were out of the crib and in toddler beds, they often snuck back into our bed at night. Neither my husband nor I minded.

When I divorced, they reverted to coming into my bed at night. No big deal. When I became engaged and my fiancee moved in, we explained that they couldn't just come get in bed with me anymore. They would have to knock on the door and get permission before entering the room. They adjusted to that without a problem (they were around ages 5 and 6 then). Even in elementary school, there would be times when one of them didn't feel well or was scared/upset about something and needed extra 'cuddle time' for comfort and they would sleep with us.

Give your baby what she needs.

T.

Dear S., this sounds like a really stressful time to try to take on a battle like this with your daughter-- and it may be that she might be more needy right now because she is picking up on your stress. One idea would be to try a co-sleeper... they are usually little bassinettes or cribs that attach to the side of your bed so that she is sleeping with you and your husband, but still has her own separate space so that you can get some sleep too. That might be something worth trying, especially if you could borrow one or buy one used. Good luck to all three of you!

Hi S. S!

Bless your heart for your struggle. I had an experience with our daughter almost 20 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. One night she started crying shortly after we put her to bed. My husband was in seminary at the time and I worked three jobs to put him through school. It was so hard being away from all family to call on for help. But, I remember checking her completely for any and all causes, just like you, we rocked, walked, fed, changed - anything we could think of. Finally, my husband and I just moved her to her play pen in the living room (we only had a one bedroom, tiny apartment) and went back into our adjoining bedroom, shut the door and cried ourselves! After literally 4 hours went by with her crying, she suddenly stopped. We jumped up and ran in to make sure she was breathing. She had completely worn herself out and slept like a log for 12 hours or so.

We had previously decided to make sleeping in our bed a no-no for our children unless sickness or emergency required it, but that night was the most difficult thing I've had to go through with either of my children as infants. I have no idea if you even want to try this just once, perhaps on a weekend night when you don't have to be at work the next morning, but it did work and we never had to have her in our bed and she never cried like that again! Praise the Lord!

This may be a ridiculous idea for your situation, and I want you to know that I really feel for you. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet!!! I pray that the Lord will send the right answer and soon!

Blessings

H.

Possibly your baby is picking up on your stress levels from losing your job. Did her waking/crying start about the same time as the job loss? Having recently lost my job after seven years, I know the roller coaster of emotions that accompany this experience. Babies/children pick up on every one of these feelings. The routine you had while working has changed, subsequently her daily routine (and Daddy's) has also changed.

If your finances are such that you need to work as soon as possible, then your "job" right now is to find employment. If you maintain a similar schedule of job searching as you did when you were working your daughter may feel more like her old self.

Depending on what type of job you're looking for, I have several web sites that I check daily. Let me know if you're interested.

Good luck.
Dawn

Hello,
I tried the same thing my daughter pediatrician told me to do."Let her cry!". But I have found that does not work and I am not taking the recommendation of someone that is not in our house. It seems like your daughter enjoys sleeping with mommy and daddy. Which I think it great! I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old and we co-slept with both.
Here are a few suggestions:
If the crib is not already in the room I would move it in there. That way your daughter see you and your husband and she may feel more comfortable
Let her start off in your bed, and then transfer her to the crib later in the night.
Sleep with her at night for now, but during the day make sure she sleeps in the crib so she is familiar.
I have tried all of these myself and my daughter(especially the 2 year old) just always come back to our bed. She has never fallen out the bed but sometimes it is uncomfortable. We are still trying to transition her but we are moving at her pace.
Sometimes those books will drive you crazy. Listen to your child, and do what you feel is right. You can never go wrong.

My first baby was like that - cry - vomit - keep you up at night routine. Babies are skilled at this manipulative behavior. The most loving thing you can do is to develop a night - night routine and stick to it. Sing - rock - read a book and then say it is night night time 'mom will sing to you in the morning'. Then put the baby down and leave... Literally leave the house for an hour or so -- let hubby watch his game on TV - loud of course. You come home and go to bed.
Do that a few nights . Believe me it is better for the baby to have the support of knowing that you are in control. Babies are most insecure when they think they are in control. It will not be a pretty picture if you allow this to continue (like I did with the 1st) The challenges will just continue until you gain control of the situation. Look around Wal-Mart at the out of control brats. You don't want to go there.

S.,
I don't know what responses you have gotten so far but I thought I would tell you about an alternative way of dealing with the sleep issue. I don't know if you have ever heard of attachment parenting or if you are already practicing some of the concepts. I don't believe it is good for you or your baby for them to cry for an hour, get sick, etc. There is something that your little one is trying to tell you and it may be that she just needs to be close! Anyway, I have an article on my website that you may want to read and there is plenty of info out on the WWW. You can start here if you are interested...http://www.balterbaby.com/a-articles/attachment-parenting... Also, if you want to email me privately, you can at ____@____.com. I hope this helps!

K.
www.balterbaby.com
www.baltercatalogue.com

There is nothing more special than rocking your baby to sleep. That connection you feel when they drift off to sleep is incredible. I rocked my daughter as long as she would let me and I still rock her for naps (she is almost 3). Not long after Anna turned 1 we transitioned her into her big girl bed. We figured out that she needed more space. She was apparently cramped in her crib even though she is and has always been a small size child. She sleeps much better now. I lay down with her until she falls asleep. Some nights I fall asleep too but others I will go to my own bed and she sleeps great. She has done this from the time we transitioned her. We have one side of her bed pushed against the wall and the other side had a rail on it. Just a thought. I know how much it hurts your heart to CIO. I tried it once and cried as much as she did. After that we decided we needed another solution. Just keep working with her. You will work through it. Remember that most things we experience with our children are short phases. She won't be a baby forever. It will go by way to fast!!!

I have a 4mth old...totally understood your pain. I purchased an ebook The Sleep Sense and downloaded and printed it out. Worked wonders!!! I love the approach. My baby now goes to sleep around 7:30pm and sleeps until 5:30-6:00am. I cannot recommend this enough. The cost was $47.
Best of luck,
A.

Hi S.. Take a deep breath and then quit listening to others--do what works for you and your husband. 10 months is still young--do you not like her to sleep in your bed because she tosses and turns and interrupts your sleep or is it because the "experts" say not to let children sleep in your bed? Mine slept with me on and off for years (they don't any more because they are big strapping 6'5 and 6'4 17 and 18 year olds)--they are fine--emotionally well adjusted--compassionate and they still love their mother even though they are teenagers and some times they still think I make sense (which when you get to teenagerdom you will find out is rare). If your bed is too small or she interrupts your sleep, make her a pallet on the floor next to your bed so that she can reach up and touch you during the night or you can reach down and touch her so that she knows someone is near. I was never in the "let them cry it out" theory--do what's best for you and your husband and most of all, your baby. just my opinion. Mother of two boys, two other 18 and 19 year old boys who would otherwise be homeless "adopted" me and now live with us as well.

My daughter didn't sleep well until after 1 yr old. She would wake up screaming after being asleep for about an hour. She would also do it in the middle of the night. I read everything I could get my hands on as well. It boiled down to do what comes naturally. I felt it was my duty as Mom to comfort her and care for her, when I did that she eventually worked through it and now only occasionally wakes up. I believe that teething caused her to wake up and also being overly tired from a busy day. I couldn't always control either of those, but I could go in and comfort her, give her food or drink, or whatever was needed. We never let her sleep in our bed as a personal preference, so I would put her back in her crib when she relaxed enough to sleep again. At some point they will start manipulating your time, in which case you have to recognize the difference in a real need vs. fake one and once it is fake then I firmly tell her I won't do whatever she is asking (reading a book, food, etc.). Then you might have a temper tantrum, but that should be short lived. Hang in there- You won't have good sleep for a while, but by all means comfort your baby while you can!

Dear S.,
You sound like a great mom. I understand what you're going through,I've already had to do it three times.I never could let mine cry either. I always let mine fall asleep in bed or rock them to sleep whatever it takes. Then when they are asleep I put them in their own bed. If they wake up in the night I let them back in the bed, but when they are asleep enough I take them back to their own bed. It's alot more work but eventually they stay in their own bed. Also when they are old enough to have their own bed then we lay with them in their bed and tell stories or just be there with them. This works for us. I never read any of the books. I found that they were really a waste of time since all children need different things. Good luck. And remember what works in a book isn't always going to for your family. You have to figure out what is going to work the best for them.
Good Luck.

A little About me: I'm a stay at home mother of 4. (5,3,2& 2 months)

Hi S.,

First let me say that I agree with you. Babies are scared when they are left alone at night. And mothers should not be discouraged from rocking their babies to sleep. (Or nursing, or singing, or dancing, or reading....) Whatever works for your family is the right thing no matter what a book or grandma says.

Here's my suggestion:
Rock her to sleep at 8:30 like you've been doing but put her down in your bed. Lay next to her for a while. You can read a book, or watch TV if it doesn't wake her up, or listen to some music. But stay there with her until she falls into a DEEP sleep. Since she has been waking up at 9:30 she will probably keep doing that for a while. But you'll be right there to help her go back to sleep before she wakes up completely. In time just opening her eyes a bit and seeing you there will be enough. Once she is in a deep sleep you can get up and if you want to or just lay down next to her and go to sleep yourself. You can install a bedrail (the kind that are marketed for preschoolers) if you are afraid she will fall out. And you can remove anything dangerous from your nightstands so you won't have to worry that she'll wake up and hurt herself.

Most babies around the world sleep next to their mothers at night (and are carried in slings during the day). And, most mothers around the world have never heard of sleep deprivation!

Good Luck and Good Night!
E.

I agree with you totally. Our little girl is 9 months old and we have been through a similar ordeal, minus the vomit. I believe that it isn't good for all babies to "cry it out". It does not work for everyone. This week, things are much better for us but I still hold my breath every night. Are you giving her a bottle when she wakes? We still do, despite what the Dr. says and she goes back to sleep after. Good luck to you and remember to take lots of deeeeeep breaths!

Try http://momsoncall.com/. We used their in home consultants with both our children and have had relatively happy sleepers (they are 2 and 4 yrs old now). Plus, I also believe in a transitional item for kids...teddy bear, taggy blanket, anything they can use to comfort them at night. Both my boys have something that they rely on other than me. Good luck.

Hi S., so sorry to hear you are having a rough time! I don't know the entire situation with your routine, but I have recently tried giving my son a snack before he naps and he seems to be sleeping longer. What time does she eat dinner? Maybe a snack before she goes to bed? Read a couple of books or watch a favorite show? Calming bath? Try starting a new routine to mix it up. See if that works? Try a "woobie" (blankie) but do a really small one and buy several so you can have a clean one, in the laundry, car bag, etc. I was warned about the bigger blankies. Maybe a new stuffed animal or favorite character. Really hope this helps! Good luck!
Johna

I'm using "The Lull-A-Baby" Sleep Plan by Cathryn Tobin MD and she includes a section on getting the plan to work for older babies. It does take some time commitment from the parent because you stay in the room after you put the baby down but you don't have to let her 'cry it out' for unreasonable amounts of time. I found this after reading an article in one of the parenting magazines about all the different sleep books. This one was a middle of the road option for parents who don't do attached parenting but don't believe in letting the baby lay alone and cry uncontrollably. Good luck with whatever method you choose.

Sleep issues are the hardest thing to deal with, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't believe in the "cry it out" approach either which is exactly why I found Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to be so useful. I know you don't like the book, but I hated for your comments to provide false information for other mothers who may find the book to be helpful. He does not advocate a one size fits all approach - maybe we have two different books, but check out pages 9-11,168-169 and 176 where the book states, "No cry sleep strategies are likely to work well". My advice would be to be knowledgeable about an infant's sleep cycles (the biology behind our sleep patterns), then watch for her signs and put her to bed. And above all know that sleep is just as important as nutrition for having a healthy, happy child. Both of mine sleep 12-13 hours at night and fall asleep on their own with no fussing. My youngest also still takes a great nap each day where again he falls asleep on his own with no fussing. You'll either have to help her learn to put herself to sleep or choose to always be the one who rocks her to sleep. No one can fault you for your choice as long as you are happy and content with that solution. Best of luck!

S.-I can't help too much cuz I went thru the same thing and my daughter, almost 11, still has intermittent sleep issues. But I can sympathize and empathize with you. At the same age as yours, we tried to "Ferberize" her and she cried for 2 hours. I talked with the ped. and he agreed, the method obviously wasn't going to work. I enjoyed rocking my kids to sleep too. My kids slept in the middle of us for quite some time. We never rolled over on them. Just know, this too will pass. Oh, I did detremine that my kids HATED their crib. My son (now 13) got his first full nights sleep at 18 months when I took the mattress out of the crib and put it on the floor! Not suggesting this will work with a 10 mos old, but just letting you know how frustrating it is with our babies when they can't tell us the problem. Take a nap during your lunch hour today and pray she outgrows this.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Listen to your gut instinct - for us, I decided that a couple years of sharing our room were worth a securely attached, yet independent daughter in the long run.

Have you thought about setting up a co-sleeper, or even her crib, in your room? This is our current arrangement (convertible crib set up as a toddler bed and placed next to our bed) and it works well for us. There are times where our son wiggles his way into our bed and if we wake up cramped for space, we just place him back in his own bed, which is attached to ours.

If you use her crib, you can eventually scoot it a little further and a little further away from your bed...eventually out the door and back into her own room when you feel she is ready.

With our first child, we actually took the mattresses off the frame for about a year and lowered the bed, but my husband really didn't like that and so this was my solution for our son.

One more thing - Once I set up my kids' crib like our bed, my daughter slept better in there, and my son has never had a problem. We have an egg crate on our mattress, so I cut one to size for the crib mattress and got a similar mattress pad to ours, figuring that would make the transition less obvious, lol.

She will sleep in her own room one day and it will be fine, but for me it was so much better to have it be a positive transition at a time when my daughter could *talk* and express what was wrong or right in language I could understand. :) Good luck!

i have to agree with all the moms that say go with what works for you and your husband. if the baby sleeping in the bed with you isn't a big deal then put up a bed rail and get some rest. i have 2 little ones and they are complete opposite. my first hated his crib and was in the bed with us until our second one was 6 weeks old and then 2 in the bed was tourture. we transitioned him into his own bed in our room on the floor. my second one on the other hand prefers her crib. i did let her cry but it was never for hours. some babies are just wired differently and need more of the mommy touch than others. hang in there, you will come to find out that everything is just a phase and this too will pass.
S.

S.,

You are so right in following your instincts and not wanting to put your baby through the stress of seperation. Have you considered a cosleeper? They attach to your bed without the baby being right in your bed. like this--
http://www.babybungalow.com/arreaccosvar.html

Or maybe getting a bigger bed (queen or king?) "Those" books infuriate me too, S.. Our babies NEED to be close to us and there's no magic age that they should be expected to sleep on their own. Just as we make exceptions for our kids during the day, we should be doing the same at night. Imagine letting your daughter cry over an hour in the middle of the day because of seperation anxiety? You wouldn't! I can't understand why we are expected to allow our precious bundles to cry through the night. In our house we have a queen bed pushed up against a twin bed where my husband and I sleep with our 2 and 4 yr. olds. (quite happily I might add)

:o)
Love,
C.
www.LostRiverNaturals.com

S.,

I feel you pain and I suggest using the Ferber method outlined in his book, Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems. I used the method on my daughter (who is also 9 months) and now she goes down for the night without a problem. Our nighttime routine is very positive and we still have our rocking/cuddling sessions while I read her a story before putting her in her bed for the night.

Yes, the Ferber method is a CIO method, but it takes a gradual approach that allows you to go in at increasing intervals to reassure the child that you have not abandoned her and reassure yourself that she is ok. When I used it on my daughter, the longest she cried was 30 minutes at a time and that only happened on the first night. Hardly traumatizing. It took her 3 days to learn the new routine now she is a happier baby because she is finally getting the sleep that she needed and I am a happier mommy because I am getting the sleep I needed.

There are some that do not agree with the method, and that's fine, they don't have to use it. Use what works best for you. If co-sleeping works for you, good for you! If not, this is an alternative. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you!

Are you opposed to letting her sleep with you? I know, as couples, we all need time alone in our beds! We are dealing with similar sleep issues with my 1 year old son. I feel your pain. We have tried crying it out- for up to 10 minutes at a time. It worked for about 2 weeks until he got a cold now, we're back at square 1 at crying it out just seems tomkae him more mad and prolong sleep even longer. I, too, am looking for a solution. My daughter slept in the bed with us and still does most nights now at 3 years old. I really want my son to sleep in his bed for most of the night- until at least 5 am. What has worked for us- putting a pack 'n play in our room at the foot of our bed. I pick him up once during ht night to feed him. Then, I put my hand on his back and tell him "night-night". Sometimes I have to stay there for 10-15 minutes but, I do not have to deal with him screaming and it does eventually work. As for it's longterm effect, I do not know but, I feel like I am still nurturing him yet not letting him take control of the night. If you find a good solution please share!

Hi S.,

I struggled as a new mom with sleep issues and what to do in the face of 'expert' advice about how children won't develop properly if they don't learn, early on, to put themselves to sleep, and stay asleep all night long without parental support.

I finally decided to follow my mothering instincts, and continue to parent my baby lovingly through the night too. She had no clue that parents might take some time off from parenting just because it was dark out!

So, after having her sleep in our bed her first year, and then in her crib next to our bed after that, we now have a fully adjusted, pleasant, agreeable 6 year old. No tantrums in Wal-Mart....in fact, she (and her co-sleeping little sister) have been regarded as the best behaved children at our church for quite a while. They're the only ones who can sit through an entire service without incident.

AND, the best part: they're happy, independant, little ones who know that they're not going to be left in a dark room alone. I snuggle them to sleep each night, and find that is the best part of my night; walking away from the bed with two little, happy, angels, having sweet dreams.

We've never had a nightmare issue, and I've gotten a full night's sleep since the little one quit pooping in her diaper as a baby and needed to be changed. She'd roll over to nurse, and fall back asleep. Now, the older child snuggles on our bed to fall asleep, then we move her to her own bed, where she happily sleeps all night long. The little one still stays with us.

As for bed safety, I'm a big fan of making arrangements so babies aren't falling off of beds or getting smothered. Check out www.askdrsears.com for co-sleeping suggestions. One is to have the crib next to your bed. We put the crib there, to keep the baby from falling off the bed, but finally opted to take the matress off the frame, and just sleep like the Japanese for a while! It looked strange, but we slept well knowing that a 'fall' wouldn't cause any injuries. When we put the bed back together, and we only worried about a toddler falling, we just put a bed rail on the side where my husband is(so when he leaves early in the morning, there's something there to catch a falling child).

When we travel, we tuck extra pillows under the fitted sheet to make a barrier so nobody rolls off the bed onto the floor. There are creative ways to keep babies safe while they sleep soundly next to parents.

Never sleep on a sofa with a baby, or on a waterbed. Babies are safest next to mom, who's more aware of the baby. Pillow top matresses aren't a good idea with young infants. We always kept the room at a comfortable temperature, so only a top sheet was neccessary, and no comfortors or blankets could cover the baby's face. I am a fairly light sleeper, so I kept tabs on where pillows were in relation to the baby's face.

If you sleep very heavily, you may want to go with a co-sleeper; baby's close by, but you'll avoid any chance of accidents. Don't drink and co-sleep, or take sleeping aids, etc.

Other than that, rock your baby, and enjoy this short time. Before you know it, the baby's a teen, and wouldn't even consider sleeping next to you!! (But will surely be grateful that there were parents willing to welcome her when she needed it).